To think this is rude of DH

[Iknowwhatitinvolves]

There are numerous issues at the moment and the relationship probably isn’t salvageable in any meaningful sense but am I overreacting to this?

Been on the go all day with two children (3 and 9 months) woken numerous times then woken for the day at half six. DH comes in from work at half seven, the three year old is awake but in bed so goes to say good night to him - lovely. Then gets his laptop out and just sits working all evening. No check in or even ‘sorry, I really have to get this done’ or similar, I wouldn’t have minded that, it just feels like I don’t exist

If you want to leave him, you don't need anyone's permission. Seems you're both checking out anyway.

I've found over my many years here that just completely ignoring the goady posts makes them shut up quicker. It also means you can focus on the helpful suggestions. Just because someone throws a ball, doesn't mean you have to chase it.

I never take my own advice though. Never.

Back to the OP. How long is the financial issue likely to last? You said end of maternity would help. So a few months. Is it more likely he's a dick now, because of the situation, or a dick generally? Young children and money worries make a lot of people really unhappy. And snappy, unpleasant and more difficult to be around. However it sounds as if he really doesn't particularly like you. And I don't think I could come back from that.

No. I don’t want to leave him.

Is your world honestly so small that we have

Problem - Husband ignoring wife

Solution - leave

It may come to that bur unlikely I would say. More likely is I’ll have to continue as I am where I don’t really seem to exist at all.

@MrsTerryPratchett you are right.

The problem is the issues aren’t (as far as I can see) particularly related to finances. We have had a bit more pressure on us but we do have plenty of assets, we’re a long way from the breadline.

I wondered if it was related to intimacy, he normally complain (albeit ‘jokingly’) when he hasn’t had much sex or any. He hasn’t mentioned this for ages.

So I don’t know. I don’t think there’s anyone else but who knows … we are polite enough but increasingly I feel separate to him as if the children and I are lodgers rather than members of the same family.

You said there were several issues, and that he would never go to therapy. And that he ignores you.

That does not seem small issues to me. You asked on a public forum. You'll get opinions. Way to go insulting me and my 'small world' though. Well done for that. I hope you feel better.

No one said they were small issues.

However, leaving - breaking up a family - is a huge, huge thing and even if I was totally sure this was the right course of action (I am not) I could not do so on purely practical grounds.

OP, I can see you don't think there's someone else but that's actually what I've been wondering all along. It seems as though your husband has checked out of the relationship and I'm afraid that is usually because their head has been turned. If he was just coming home fed up of having to work so hard, he'd be far more likely to say something about that. He'd seem more depressed and fed up, rather than just switched off.

Is he definitely working when he's at home? Can you see his screen?

Why would that stop him acknowledging his wife's existence?

And 'fully funding'?

I hate this attitude. Presumably he wanted his children. They're a partnership (supposedly)

Wouldn't matter if you were

OP I hope you know that you do not have to continue as you are, where you say you feel like you don’t seem to exist at all. That is no way to live and if this is truly how you feel in general within your home and relationship then you really need to have a big, ugly, “all cards on the table” conversation about where you are both at and what is going on

I think it’s unlikely because there’s been no secrecy or anything. It is more indifference. That could well be because he’s tied up in work but to not communicate that to me is very frustrating and has started to make me feel I don’t matter and that’s hurtful.

He doesn't 'see to the children'

He goes and says Goodnight

Didn't think she was the least bit defensive or rude. Quite restrained to some, I felt

What do weekends look like? Holidays? (as Easter is just coming up)

At the moment I’m just doing my own thing.

Ignoring the goading, if this was caused by money worries you’d start with talking.

For fuck's sake.

If my partner was unintentionally rude to me (maybe due to being tired or distracted), I would indicate that in some way, that I needed something from him, and I feel secure in the knowledge that he would respond to me. For example, if he came home, sat down, and looked at his phone and I felt ignored, I would call out to him, request a hug or something, and he would respond to me. Gottman calls it a 'bid for attention' https://www.gottman.com/blog/turn-toward-instead-of-away/ couples need to be fluent at making and responding to bids for attention.

What has happened in your relationship. Did he previously respond to bids for attention, but has stopped now, or was he never any good at it? Can you pinpoint when it stopped?

Why?

The only behaviour you can change is your own. Changing your behaviour might help
him to change his. It might not but it’s worth a try.