To think this is rude of DH

[Iknowwhatitinvolves]

There are numerous issues at the moment and the relationship probably isn’t salvageable in any meaningful sense but am I overreacting to this?

Been on the go all day with two children (3 and 9 months) woken numerous times then woken for the day at half six. DH comes in from work at half seven, the three year old is awake but in bed so goes to say good night to him - lovely. Then gets his laptop out and just sits working all evening. No check in or even ‘sorry, I really have to get this done’ or similar, I wouldn’t have minded that, it just feels like I don’t exist

This isn't a SAHM / WOHM issue. Op doesn't deserve basic manners and acknowledgement because she works. I don't deserve to be ignored by DH because I don't (and he wouldn't).

Op has a 9 month old and a toddler, so even if she's put of work, she's hardly chilling with a marguerita all day.

They're SUPPOSED to be a couple, basic manners should be included

@Iknowwhatitinvolves I would give counselling a go. I say this because communication is an issue and whether you stay together or part, co-parenting without good communication is dire.

I hope it helps you figure out the resolution.

Mine was like this (retired now) he was up at 5am, back home around 7pm, came in greeted the dogs,took off his jacket,went to the toilet,If I said anything,it was "let me get in the door first". So I actually sat by the front door making doggy type noises. I realised he needed to unwind.

I’m not a SAHM, I work 40hrs a week, so this is nothing to do with feeling defensive.

What it is to do with is the direct and indirect belittling of stay at home mothers. A SAHM can be stressed and worried about finances too. Their day job is childcare, it ends as a sole responsibility role when the children’s other parent finishes his day job. If he needs to get his head down he can do that in working hours, and not take advantage of his wife.

Do you talk to him? How does he respond?

Absolutely. It would take very little effort for him to say something to you, but he's choosing not to. Then, when you point this out, he's saying you're silly, so denying your feelings.

It's not good, and you say there are other issues too. Do you think he'd agree to see a marriage counsellor? Have the two of you acknowledged to each other that things aren't going well?

He’d never agree to counselling. I don’t even think he realises how bad things are which probably sounds ridiculous but I am so angry and disappointed with him in some ways.

Re work vs stay at home in fairness I once thought SAHMs were living the dream and I now know how exhausting and stressful being home with little children is. However I am not a SAHM. I am still on maternity leave however.

We do have various financial pressures but given he won’t communicate it’s hard for me to do much or anything about them. And also they are not really of my doing, directly at any rate.

I think you need to communicate to him exactly how bad things are from your side of the relationship.

It sounds like he's not hearing you properly when you talk to him, so personally, I'd write him a letter, or send him a WhatsApp with it in. I'd spell out exactly how I'm feeling, without accusing him of anything, iyswim, make it about you.

So I might say, "when you come home from work and don't speak to me or give me a kiss, I feel insecure about our relationship."

If he responds in a defensive manner, denying your feelings again, then you're in trouble and I would follow up with a message about how if your feelings are not considered important in this relationship then it is quite clearly not a healthy relationship, so where does he want to go from here?

Return the energy.
Stop making any effort for him. Focus on you and your DC.

At some point he’ll notice and there will be a conversation. If not, well you’ve lost nothing, and saved some energy.

That’s what I’m doing @pickledandpuzzled

I don’t think he’s even noticed. In fact it makes life easier for him!

I would greet him and then say I'd love us to spend some time connecting together - what's your workload looking like

She doesn’t HAVE to do anything, but on the whole if you want things to work differently you have to behave differently. Sitting waiting to be noticed is not in anyway taking control of your life. No wonder so many relationships fail if you honestly think making someone a cup of coffee and trying to engage with them is lowering yourself.

Give it a bit longer. See how he is over the bank holiday.
Then email him, saying you appreciate he’s busy and you’ve been trying to talk to him for a while because you are wondering whether it’s worth trying to save your marriage or if not to organise a timeline for divorce.

But be prepared- it may be over.

I waited about 16 years for time for things to be better. Now it’s too late, but we’re happy enough as house mates and family.

No, she can tell her husband his behaviour is upsetting her and expect him to take her seriously and make a change. Not kiss and make drinks for someone who is ignoring you when they get home each evening.

I could have written this OP but it's been going on for 3 years or so. I've tired talking to him about it but it doesn't get better. I don't think he knows how miserable i am and how close to leaving I am. If he does, he doesn't care.

I'm afraid I have no words of wisdom but I understand and hope things work out for you.

The problem is it doesn’t work.

I try to talk to him, or share things. I send photos of the children during the day. He just doesn’t seem interested in me or us.

It could be work but in all the time we’ve been together I’ve never known his work be like this, but it doesn’t mean it isn’t.

Taken in isolation, I really don't think it's a big deal at all. If my partner came in and sat down at the table with his work laptop, I wouldn't need any explanation from him as to what he was doing because it would be pretty obvious?! It would be different if we had plans, but just on a normal evening it wouldn't bother me at all.

However, it's clear from the opening lines of your post that there are many other issues in your relationship, and that things are difficult in a lot of other ways. So this seemingly small thing obviously does have a lot more significance for you, and I completely understand where you're coming from. I'm guessing that it feels like one of many signs that you're living essentially separate lives.

I'm assuming, from what you've said, that you've already spoken to him about how you're feeling in general and that he hasn't been cooperative or sympathetic? I'm really sorry - things must feel pretty bleak right now and to be honest, it sounds like you'd be better off taking the plunge and separating. (I realise it may not be as simple as that, but ultimately I do think you'll be happier without him.)

It may seem like a small pedantic thing @KreedKafer bit he’s not sitting at the table. He’s sitting in the lounge.

It is really uncomfortable sitting in silence in that way.

Again it's the same here, I send updates of the me and children like I always have during the day, he used to reply and we'd have a text chat about our days. Now all i get is an emoji hours later.

I think they've emotionally checked out OP.

I agree that you could do something to try and change it. If I'd done that (possible as I work in the evening often) and DP said something like, "how're you? Lots of work to do today?" I would reply and probably twig that I hadn't spoken to him. If he's focused on work it could easily be thoughtless. If you try to change that dynamic then you'll know if it's stress or a bigger issue.

Also, have you asked him about counselling? Because you don't know what he will say if you haven't.

Rather depends if he’s feeling like he gets in from work, sees to the children and then starts evening work and she doesn’t even say “hello”, though doesn’t it? I suppose they could have a heart to heart about how she feels, and she could listen to how he feels. Personally I’d just move towards how I wanted it to be.

Except that she has brought it up with him and he tells her she's 'being silly' and continues the same behaviour.

Is he working and financially supporting the whole family?
If yes, I don't see a problem in this.

Seriously?

We do have various financial pressures but given he won’t communicate it’s hard for me to do much or anything about them. And also they are not really of my doing

What has he done to put pressure on the finances? Is he making stupid gambles/‘investments’ online on his laptop when he says he’s ‘working’?