To think this is rude of DH

[Iknowwhatitinvolves]

There are numerous issues at the moment and the relationship probably isn’t salvageable in any meaningful sense but am I overreacting to this?

Been on the go all day with two children (3 and 9 months) woken numerous times then woken for the day at half six. DH comes in from work at half seven, the three year old is awake but in bed so goes to say good night to him - lovely. Then gets his laptop out and just sits working all evening. No check in or even ‘sorry, I really have to get this done’ or similar, I wouldn’t have minded that, it just feels like I don’t exist

They are BOTH supporting the family.

And no, a man who doesn't greet his wife, even after she raised it, isn't being reasonable.

Why people have such low standards is beyond me. DH and I aren't perfect but we always kiss, hug, ask how each others' days were. Every day. If you're working for the family, make sure you still have a family to work for.

The amount of posters who despise SAHM and post gobshite like this, essentially saying abusive behaviours are justified because one works and the other doesn’t (even though the OP does and is in mat leave) is fucking bleak.

Lol as I work as well.

So one has to do nothing but work and support the family and the other has to do that and all the other stuff and yet it’s reasonable if you have a penis.

what nonsense

I wish people wouldn’t post things ‘like this’. If he had a gambling problem is would be a massive dripfeed.

I am on maternity leave

A member of my family has put financial strain on us

He has made some bad decisions

All combined mean we are £££ down but we are far from destitute and it will all revert back when I go back to work anyway.

@Iknowwhatitinvolves you know your husband. Is he ashamed of choices? Is he hurt by the cause or source of this issue? Is he head in sand type?

Is he preforming? As in I am working so hard to punish himself, while actually impacting on you more?

It isn't fair but depending on your opinion it might help you identify the next steps.__

So because I don't work and dh does, n it's acceptable for him to ignore me and minimise my feelings etc because I'm not as important as him?

This is sensible, grown-up advice. With my ex-DH I learned to be really explicit about problems as he just didn't hear stuff unless it was really direct. For example, he was depressed and taking it out on me and the kids. For a long time I assumed he knew it was a problem and he really didn't - he was absolutely gobsmacked when I said 'we can't go on like this, we're all unhappy and something has to change. I'll support you as much as you need if you agree to do something proactive about how you're feeling, but if you won't then I've reached the end of our relationship'.

I think you also need to explicitly ask the question about counselling - if he really won't, and you've made it clear that unless things improve you've reached the end of the line, then I'm afraid you have very few options other than to end it.

FWIW you have my sympathy - it sounds awful, and if he won't engage it sounds like your relationship is over - but if you take these steps first you can be confident you did what you could to save it.

I don’t think he’s ashamed. I think he has some regrets but we aren’t talking about anything terrible here just spending a bit too much at a time when money isn’t plentiful. I honestly think he just doesn’t love me any more. He’s indifferent to me I would say.

Given some of your replies on here I think your a bit of a drama queen.
one poster only asked a question and you jumped with guns blasting.
I was a SAHM for a few years so it has nothing to do with that its just the way you come across on here.

No she doesn't sound like a drama queen, not one bit. The poster that you are referring to implied that he's entitled to treat her like crap because she's a SAHP...even though she's not.

Why don't you and the other men posters defending him on here go away unless you've got something sensible to say

First im not a man im not defending anyone.
I have an opinion like everyone else.
No need to be rude.

I’m so not a drama queen 😂

But that post was an awful one. It said Is he fully funding you staying at home

There was nothing in my post suggesting I was a SAHM. I am actually part time and have Mondays and Tuesdays off as as standard. Equally I could be a nurse or midwife or doctor working four long days. Or a hairdresser or retail worker who works weekends or hundreds of possibilities really.

But even if I was a SAHM, this would have been a decision jointly made because it worked best for the family.

No one should be treated like shit because someone is feeling the pressure.

You know what they say about opinions.

I don’t think (I hope not anyway) that what that poster was implying was that he’s entitled to treat her badly because she’s a SAHP, I think the question was more because if he is the sole earner supporting a household/family then that does inevitably put a lot of pressure financially on his shoulders and so if he is coming home from work and immediately logging on to do more work then that could be because of that pressure, the stress of being financially responsible for the whole house and family is a big thing and so it’s possible that if he’s stressed about that & about needing to work hard etc then I can see where he might just genuinely not have even thought about OP if he was totally engrossed in work. I work from home 2 days a week and I have to admit when I’m really focused coming up to a deadline my husband can literally be stood right behind me talking at me and I don’t even hear him, an hour could easily pass before I’d even think twice.

Also, although OP jumped immediately on that poster with the “well I’m not a SAHM so there”, actually the reality is that she’s on maternity leave and judging by the further replies that financial issues “will be fine once I’m back to work”, it does seem like at the moment he IS fully financially responsible for the family/house, that pressure is entirely on his shoulders.

I would hope nobody is saying or arguing that it’s okay to treat someone badly because they are a SAHM, BUT the reality that can’t be ignored is that being the sole earner of the house & family is a lot of pressure and stress, I can see where that might lead to putting yourself under pressure to perform at work (to ensure you keep your job or maybe get a promotion), and if you’re really tunnel vision focused on work then I can see where you just almost can’t see past work and HAVE to “get it done”. So maybe he just doesn’t realise he us behaving in this way or the way it makes OP feel.

Communication is the way forward here, as I say I can see where when working you almost just zone everything else out, but you also need to carve out time to be a couple, to chat etc

You don't see a problem with a grown ass man walking in his front door and literally, NOT SPEAKING A WORD TO HIS WIFE or engaging with her in anyway for the rest of the evening????

FML some people have rock bottom standards.

he is coming home from work and immediately logging on to do more work then that could be because of that pressure

I might be wrong, but I don't think the OPs has an issue with him working.

The issue is HE IS BLANKING HER !!!

That's totally unacceptable behaviour.

I'm sorry OP but this sounds like the beginning of the end. Have you actually asked him about marriage counselling or just assumed he wouldn't? If he says no, ask him where he thinks this marriage is heading and whether he is happy with it now. That might give you some answers.

Be prepared for single parenting though either way and decide what you would prefer. Divorced, separate house, happier or married, same house, depressed, angry and resentful.

Yes everyone as one.

This is exactly what I meant so thank you. But as ever, the nasties jump on without thinking. No one implied AT ALL that if she stayed at home he could treat her badly. But the state of everyone’s finances is shitty. So I just thought maybe he’s really feeling it and didn’t want to let her down. But I gave up as no one on the thread could be reasonable until you!

Seriously. Being the sole earner in any house right now would push most people over the edge. Your response was ridiculous. Maybe take a step back and THINK. Your immediate response was defensive and a bit rude, is that how you come across to him too.?

No, that PP was PA and nasty. It was done in a way so that the poster could have plausible deniability but it was obvious. OP reacted appropriately.

Everyone hates those PA little digs about men 'funding' things. They aren't management and women aren't staff just because of paid employment.

I wasn’t. I asked an entirely relevant question in the state of affairs these days where we are all feeling the pinch. but everyone got their knickers immediately in a twist. Ridiculous.

Are you just waiting for someone to say LTB?

Ok if you say so.

I don’t disagree that blanking her is unacceptable, but the point is IF he is under a lot of pressure & stress at work it is so so easy to become almost tunnel vision on it and just cannot see past getting it done. As I say I’ve definitely done it before during busy deadline times, come home from work and gone straight up to my home office to finish off xyz without even looking at my husband, and he has on occasion done the same if dealing with a particularly difficult client that requires something done ASAP for example. Sometimes you do just get so overwhelmed by work & stress that you can’t see past it!

The problem comes where this happens ALL the time, or where communication in general has broken down. Neither myself or my husband is upset or angry when we have one of those rare days where we just have to rush to finish work at night but that’s because we, in general, have really strong communication and a healthy happy relationship typically. So if he came home tonight and went straight upstairs to finish off calls/meetings/emails I wouldn’t be upset about it because I would know he must have had a horrendously busy day and it rarely happens, so it is what it is. It sounds like that’s not the case for OP and that communication etc is the bigger issue.

I think your right.