Exhausted, broke UK parents of small kids

[RiverLake]

NC for this. Well, please tell me you don't all spend each Saturday or Sunday (or both) watching your kids (aged 5 and above) play sports/activities etc?

And then when they are pre-teens and teens, you are facilitating sleep-overs by chauffeuring them to/from cinemas/parties/friends, including night time pick-ups, etc

Well, if the above is CORRECT, NO WONDER the UK parents are beyond exhausted!!! And in most cases also broke!

What happened to staying home at weekends baking, reading and playing games as a family with occasional walk to the parks?
I lived in London next to a family with 10 and 12 yo kids, and could never FATHOM why 1) they never liked being in their flat, as every Saturday and Sunday around 12 noon, they are loading their car and didn't return until 6 or 7 or 8pm. They walked past my windows.

Only to read on MN that parents seem to attend after school clubs at weekends too- I did all my after school activities, well, after school. Not take up my/family weekend unless it is one of those events schools playing against another school.

This particular family always looked stressed and my flatmate said they were constantly shouting and screaming at each other almost daily about domestic stuff (had cleaner and child minder too). I am not surprised as they had full time jobs and seem out all weekend. When do parents REST?

So, it is 18 years of existing for a child. Other countries do not parent like this. These countries have happy, relaxed families.

I sort of understood childcare stuff for under 3 or under 4 and not sleeping properly and those costs; but this being out all weekend is unsustainable. No wonder UK adults are sick and cannot function properly in work!

Honestly I do feel some jealousy for my grandparents generation. They were "allowed" to just send their kids out to play so they could get on with stuff around the house. If their kids wanted to do hobbies they were expected to walk or cycle themselves. I know a few of my own peers parents struggled with having kids and not being able to parent this way.

I'm not saying that there weren't other challenges of that era but I think we're on a hiding to nothing to increase the birth rate with the sheer amount of facilitating that parents are expected to do for longer and longer.

From age 11 my dd cycled herself to activities and to see friends most of the time. So very little ferrying around involved.
Very few sleepovers as my dd didn't enjoy them and nobody ever slept anyhow.

When she was younger there would often be a kids party one day at the weekend and the other we might see family or go to the park. Some parents did an activity both mornings and afternoons, especially the sporty ones.

I definitely found it tiring having a young child and a job. I think you do usually want to get out of the house every day with kids.

It's working Mon to Fri while kids are at school that exhausts me. At home. I love getting out and about at the weekends watching their activities and not being on the computer all day. And the kids (7 and 9) are away from screens getting exercise. If we spent all weekend in the house I'm fairly sure it would be spent with kids bickering not baking.

Also, how long does baking take? An hour, maximum. Still leaves a lot of the weekend to do other stuff.

You make some great points op.

You are right.

I think the weather in the UK doesn't help. Life is much nicer and easier in the summer when you have kids. Because it is so often dreary and raining, you have to spend time and money ferrying them to indoor activities. Also parents don't want their kids going out on their own, so you are constantly accompanying them.

We kind of have the worst of both worlds. In the US people have bigger homes generally and lots live in suburbs with loads of space. In the UK, we are crammed in a bit like other European countries but we don't have the lovely culture and weather like other places in Europe.

I have a teen and don't chauffeur him anywhere. He's got legs and we've got great public transport. Obviously if you live rural you have no choice but otherwise they can learn some independence by getting themselves around.

I never really understand why some parents martyr themselves so much personally.

I think a lot of teens are being ferried around by parents because the whole culture has changed. Because they are so placated by screens at home, teens nowadays really don't socialise as much as previous generations did. Therefore parents feel more pressure to facilitate them in getting out and about.

Some ridiculous judgements and generalisations on this thread.

The advantage of living rurally though is that you can chuck your kids out to play from a relatively young age. My ds has been playing out in the field behind our houses and the park at the top of the road since he was 6. He's 8 now and this spring will be allowed a bit further (if it ever stops raining). This is definitely the sweet spot: old enough to be happy playing out all day without me, young enough to stay within a small radius.

We still do sport on Sundays though, and I bake bread midweek.

I kind of know where you are coming from, OP.

I have two children who are now 19/15 and at most I have ferried to/from peoples houses on the weekend, or perhaps to the cinema or into a nearby city.

They both did the same activity on a Sunday, which was within walking distance, so they walked. My 15 year old now does one activity two nights a week, and I have to drive her there.

I do know a family who have the whole weekend jam packed and the mum seems very very stressed and frankly unwell. I couldn’t personally live like that, and I know that she hates it but doesn’t feel she can step down because the kids have rugby/ballet/horse riding and piano.

my own kids also learned piano and they still play, so I guess that was at least a skill for life, and the other activity is drama based, so it has given them a great deal of confidence. I think it’s a shame when weekends are jam packed with stuff just for the sake of it, but I suppose most parents are just trying to give their children skills or experiences for life.

I'll admit I never signed any of mine up to weekend activities until they were old enough to take themselves there and back because I hated the idea of the whole family being constrained by it. Not a matter of tiredness, but a matter of wanting some choice over how to spend our days.

Oldest is now in an amazing youth choir and I feel a little guilty when I speak to parents whose kids have been in it for years and years, but their rehearsals do take up almost of all a Sunday afternoon and there was no way I was having to spend every term time Sunday at home for most of my kids' childhood because of rehearsal pick ups.

Yeah, that's the flip side I guess. We live in a large town and while it means that DS can get around himself on public transport, "playing out" was never a thing as it's just a lot of busy roads and the local park is a spot for drunks so I never felt comfortable with him going there until he was a lot older.

This is going to blow your mind, OP: mine are teenagers and can take themselves to activities, but I still like to take them at the weekends and watch them play football and rugby.

If it helps OP I’m in France and my kids (and all the other kids) do all their sports on non-school days. So yes I spend my Saturdays and Wednesdays watching kids sports (and I love it).

One of the exhausting things about being a parent is the continuous judgement of others OP. Consider that

It's normal to be on sports teams, do activities etc. mine are adults now but weekends were busy, went to work for a rest!

Seriously, if you think sports are crazy commitments, try being a chorister, 2 x in week and twice on a Sunday, we won't even discuss the sunrise service on Easter Day!

My DS is awake for 13 hours on a Saturday and Sunday. I don't know how much of that time you think reading, baking and playing games takes up when you have one very active 5 year old, but without a bit of structure we all go stir crazy. Rugby on a Sunday morning is one of my favourite hours of the week because we get to sit on a bench with a coffee!

I'm not really sure where this idea that everyone used to chill as a family comes from. I'm an 80s child. Saturday was a hellish supermarket shop and the rest of the time was usually my dad watching sport/mowing the lawn/washing the car and my mum cleaning.

Why are you spending time watching every move of a family just to be exhausted by them?

Why are you saying UK when you mean London?

Why don't you understand that sports matches are played at weekends?

Why, in the name of all that is holy, do you think baking with kids is relaxing?

What have benefits got to do with anything?

I read this as if it was written by a government think tank which is nudging parents into abandoning extra curricular activities in order to hide the real reason that the cost of living is pricing us out the capacity to afford them.

I don't really understand this.

DH and I worked M-F.

Yes, we spent weekends watching our children in sports matches, or taking them to activities. We did this because we love our children, enjoyed spending time with them and took pleasure in being part of their world.

We were neither broke nor exhausted. Just a happy close family who took pleasure in spending time together.

Surely most parents enjoy spending time with their children, and don't consider it a chore?

Honestly your post doesn't resonate with me at all. I have 3 boys who play loads of sport. They love it and to be honest I really enjoy the social side of having a coffee on the sidelines with the other parents. If it was at home at the weekend I would just be cleaning or diying.

I generally think my three thrive when doing loads of exercise , they're less moody. Fight less and sleep better. Baking indoors for the weekend absolutely wouldn't cut it for my three!

Yes I 100 percent agree with you. This used to be me with our first child, swimming, gymnastics clubs and continual play dates. I felt tired all of the time. Obviously lock down impacted these clubs. We never went back again! It's great! We have a lovely time at the weekends baking, walking, chatting, making things, having their friends over. I no longer have to rush around for clubs and activities.

And that works for your family, so that’s fab! I enjoy taking my children to activities at the weekends. I don’t feel ‘rushed’, and I like watching them play their sports. We have the odd weekend where we stay at home and chill but I wouldn’t want to do it every weekend.
All families are different, all children are different. We’re all happier out and about, some people prefer pottering at home.

I love getting out of the house with my child on the weekend. Whether that's taking her to a birthday party, for lunch with friends, local events/activities or off to a National Trust place or for a long walk in the country. She has a swimming lesson too. I don't see how this is overscheduling at all? I enjoy getting to do the stuff we don't have time for during the week. I want to make the most of our days together.

Sometimes we choose to stay in and bake or read or watch a film. That's fine too but it's not necessarily more relaxing for me. I recharge just as well if we are getting out doing something.

I'm knackered because my 17 month old is a sleep thief!

I know this might come as a massive shock, but some of us enjoy taking our children to sport and other activities and get something valuable from watching their enjoyment, achievements etc.