To ask him to leave ?

[Lmox]

last night I asked my husband to leave. He was furious and shocked and I don’t know if IBU? What happened was:

• on Saturday he had a lie on (which I never have) while I looked after 9 month old. We had a meal out booked for DH’s friends birthday, so I was also prepping baby’s meals for the day, meds (he has epilepsy) and arranging babysitter. When I pulled him up on not helping me, he lay in bed staring at ceiling for another hour and a half. He has ADHD so I understand he may have been overwhelmed
• He came downstairs whilst I was in middle of looking after baby and doing my make up etc to say that he thought he should go to night out alone as he needs to be around people who ‘build him up’ he sent text to his friends to say I wouldn’t be coming as I was ill. I was upset as I don’t like lying and I had been texting them just an hour before to arrange our arrival times. DH did apologise for this via text later .
• I was up all night with our baby as he had a nasty cough. I slept about two hours. DH came home at 6am. No text to say he would be out all night. I made clear to him on a number of occasions that I don’t like him staying out all night without letting me know. I know he would have been at friends house but it’s the principle.
• He slept until 12pm the next day and only woke up as I woke him as I needed him to help me get our baby into taxi for a medical appointment. He was still drunk and I was angry
• when I came home from appointment with our son he said that he was really ‘put out’ out about how I’ve spoken to him.

he has half heartedly apologised but I don’t feel he means it. This also follows a very turbulent couple of months when we were in hospital with our son and put a lot of strain on our marriage as I didn’t feel he was supportive. I know he has ADHD and struggles with some things but I feel really hurt by his behaviour and he doesn’t seem bothered IMO

This also follows a very turbulent couple of months when we were in hospital with our son and put a lot of strain on our marriage as I didn’t feel he was supportive. I know he has ADHD and struggles with some things but I feel really hurt by his behaviour and he doesn’t seem bothered IMO

He is taking the piss OP. You are right, he doesn't seem bothered. You tried to talk to him and he's still not helping. It's up to you what to do about it. ADHD does not make people useless partners and it is not an excuse to be unsupportive.

YANBU
Things would have to hugely change for me to be tempted to let him stay at all! He’s a lazy CF wanting you to do it all and respect him too! He certainly needs a wake up and reset and if he doesn’t realise how useless, unsupportive, idle and entitled he is very quickly then you’re on to a loser.

ADHD or not - he's a parent who isn't doing much parenting, or anything else

. YADNBU

YANBU he sounds useless.

If he was going on a fun trip with friends and had a flight to get on would he be capable of setting an alarm and getting the flight?

If the answer is "yes" then he is choosing not to help in the morning or give you a lie in. Because if he can physically manage to do it for something fun, then it shows he can do it when it's important to him.

I couldn't imagine being married to such a lazy, useless moron.

Has he left?

YANBU oooooo if my husband had uninvited me from a planned night out like that, especially while I was in the middle of getting ready, he'd have come home at 6am to a locked door and his shit on the doorstep. I'm fuming for you (for that and obviously for him being an unsupportive waste of carbon).

Definitely get rid, you and your little one will have an easier time without him around.

And no ADHD is not an excuse for being a prick.

YANBU.

YANBU. Why are you being left to manage everything alone?

The text to his friends saying you were ill and not coming would have been enough for me, without all the other shit.

He isn't a dad at all. No decent bloke would stay out all night long anyway, but then to leave you to deal with the baby and everything whilst he dosses in bed until lunchtime with a hangover is really not on. He's crap now, he'll always be useless. Having ADHD is not an excuse for any of that. Get as much support as you can, from family and friends - and turf the idle twat out.

Pathetic manchild who uses ADHD as his cover for being pathetic manchild

Bin, bin, bin, bin, bin.

And then bin.

Sounds like he’s weaponising his ADHD to enable him to do exactly what he wants. You’ve done the right thing. He sounds utterly useless.

Thanks everyone. we’re to discuss where he is going to go tonight. I suppose I’m just worried logistically as I can’t afford the mortgage and childcare costs alone. We did discuss separating once in the past and he made clear that he’d want the house as I couldn’t afford to buy him out.

Almost any of those events would be enough justification to kick him out. And this is just the list from a few days. You are making the right decision.

He has to keep you in the home until the divorce and financial settlement are made. Usually the property is split to allow the DC to have similar living circumstances in both homes. You may be entitled to more than 50%. Don't share custody with him he is useless - keep all of the messages as evidence.

Sounds like a nightmare x

Put your earnings etc into entiltledto.... see if you're eligible for universal credit.

I did and I've got lots of help.

Leave him now. I wasted years on a very similar man. It didn't get better.

You deserve better and he might want to give it to you, but he probably can't.

My ex and son both have adhd and it is tough.

This. He sounds like a lazy twat. So what if he’s got ADHD. Both my husband and l are neurodivergent but magically we both need to parent our twins

Sounds like a dick. I am not sure why people keep trotting out ADHD as an excuse for crap behaviours. If he manages to maintain a full time job and a social life then ADHD can’t be a real issue and is irrelevant.

Even with your child left homeless? As that's what he'd be doing, as he's clearly no help and couldn't look after him. And is damn well make sure everyone knew. Did you tell anyone that you were to go out with what he did? I think he's trying to push you to finish it for him

He said that we could stay until we find somewhere else but that he’d want to keep house.

i didn’t tell them as they’re his friends, not mine x

Gaahhhh I accidentally clicked YABU and meant to click YANBU!
Sorry!

I just got the rage on your behalf reading that OP.

So basically - you had to ask him to “help” (to look after his OWN CHILD ffs!) so he punished you by:

Taking it upon himself to disinvite you from the planned night out

Tell you he needs to be with people who “build him up” ie. not people like you, who ask him to you know, be an adult and look after his own child. Total manipulation.

Deliberately stayed out all night and probably loved the fact you will have been worrying about him

Stays in bed again the next day despite knowing you have a doctors appointment for your LO

Gaslights and victim blames you for being upset about his absolutely disgusting and selfish behaviour

All thus in 24hours? I’d be interested to know what other abuse he subjects you to and blames on his ADHD?

He is a childish, peevish, manipulative piece of shit and I hope you have the strength to not let him come home.

C’mon OP - you know this isn’t right and won’t get any better.

Can he give you at least 50% of the equity to buy you out if not no he can’t stay in the house. Get some legal advice now and don’t leave the house

Absolutely not BU

With regards to the house etc the courts will want to see your child housed so don't let this be a barrier to him leaving.