To ask him to leave ?

[Lmox]

last night I asked my husband to leave. He was furious and shocked and I don’t know if IBU? What happened was:

• on Saturday he had a lie on (which I never have) while I looked after 9 month old. We had a meal out booked for DH’s friends birthday, so I was also prepping baby’s meals for the day, meds (he has epilepsy) and arranging babysitter. When I pulled him up on not helping me, he lay in bed staring at ceiling for another hour and a half. He has ADHD so I understand he may have been overwhelmed
• He came downstairs whilst I was in middle of looking after baby and doing my make up etc to say that he thought he should go to night out alone as he needs to be around people who ‘build him up’ he sent text to his friends to say I wouldn’t be coming as I was ill. I was upset as I don’t like lying and I had been texting them just an hour before to arrange our arrival times. DH did apologise for this via text later .
• I was up all night with our baby as he had a nasty cough. I slept about two hours. DH came home at 6am. No text to say he would be out all night. I made clear to him on a number of occasions that I don’t like him staying out all night without letting me know. I know he would have been at friends house but it’s the principle.
• He slept until 12pm the next day and only woke up as I woke him as I needed him to help me get our baby into taxi for a medical appointment. He was still drunk and I was angry
• when I came home from appointment with our son he said that he was really ‘put out’ out about how I’ve spoken to him.

he has half heartedly apologised but I don’t feel he means it. This also follows a very turbulent couple of months when we were in hospital with our son and put a lot of strain on our marriage as I didn’t feel he was supportive. I know he has ADHD and struggles with some things but I feel really hurt by his behaviour and he doesn’t seem bothered IMO

Thank you. In fairness, I don’t think he will have thought I’d have been worrying about him. I don’t think he’ll have thought of me at all tbh which is sort of the issue. And as for the drs appt he did offer to come with me when I woke him up but he was still drunk so I said no.

im not defending him in any shape or form I just want to paint an accurate picture of what happened. I wouldn’t class him as manipulative just extremely thoughtless and taking me for granted x

I wouldn’t class him as manipulative just extremely thoughtless and taking me for granted

He honestly is Op - you’re probably so used to it you don’t see it.

Telling you he has taken it upon himself to cancel you going on the night out as you dared to ask him to help you and that he needs to be with people who “lift him up” is 100% manipulative.

He acts like this to “train” you into not asking him to do anything/defy him in the future as this will be your punishment (him forbidding you to go out, staying out all night/in bed the next day/generally making you feel like shit and leaving you to do everything alone.)

This is meant gently OP, but don’t be naive. He knows exactly what he’s doing.

Jesus Christ, you read some stuff on this site but this guy is next level. Fucking prick!

Not up to him , fortunately. He can't just decide he's keeping the house.

What did you say to him when you pulled him up on not helping? It seems like an overreaction from him to say you're not coming out with him. Unless you spoke to him like absolute shit unnecessarily then I can understand him not wanting to spend the evening with you.

I have ADHD, I cant see many reasons why I would go without my DH, unless he spoke to me like shit and I thought fuck you.

@Lmox- look at Wikivorce and educate yourself. Don't let him stitch you up. You have rights

And this.

You are married, he will at best get 50% of the house sale or have to buy you out/sell and split the equity.

It’s bluster designed to again, manipulate and coerce you into being scared to leave as you think you’ll lose everything.

A court won’t make a mother and baby homeless.

Get your free half hour with a solicitor to find out what you’ll be entitled to. Also make copies of all financial information/wages/pensions/mortgage details etc and hide yours and your ds’s passports.

Things like this often go “missing” when they find out you’re serious about divorce.

So controlling and cruel of him to leave you out of the night out.

Completely understand why you're done.

I said that I don’t think it’s fair he was lying in when I never get one and said I was finding the amount I had to do overwhelming at the minute. But my tone was probably harsh

I hope your tone was harsh OP. I hope it was very harsh indeed.

It sounds as though he wants to live the life of a single Jack-the-lad - so let him - but not without your fair share of equity from the house, child support, pension pot etc!

Dear god in heaven what an utter prick. My hubs is on the spectrum and has suffered from depression but even at his lowest he would never have done anything like that when DD was young. As PP have said, he's not only weaponising his ADHD to stop you asking for help, but actively punishing you when you push back.

Get to a solicitor, asap. Find out your rights. He cannot make you leave a home and actively make his child helpless, and I'd pay to see the reaction of a judge when he tried to justify it 'buuuut I have ADHD. I neeeeed my bed. She makes me get out of it to look after my child and isn't happy when I stay out on the piss all night, yr h'nour' probably accompanied by some guff about this also being why he shouldn't pay child maintenance.

Seriously, stick to your guns. Here's a hug to get you through the evening.

It's not right to not let one another have a sleep in, tiredness takes its toll so you both should be getting one, fairly.

He can have ADHD AND be a selfish, useless asshole.

He's a selfish useless asshole.

I'd get rid of him, too.

@Lmox whose house is it? does he work if he can sleep till lunchtime on a weekday? are you on maternity leave? is he happy to see your child without a roof over its head???

YANBU at all!!
My DH used to use his epilepsy as an excuse for being a lazy fucker!! Lying in bed because he needed his sleep.
I felt like a single parent and kicked him out!
It was just the wake up call he needed. I eventually let him come home and I can hand in heart tell you he changed overnight. We’ve been married now for 25 years and he absolutely pulls his weight now.
You may not get the outcome I did but either way he needs to go!

Your tone was harsh? Good. Probably not harsh enough, he sounds thoroughly useless.

You're going to discuss where he stays, I'd suggest the place he stayed until 6am on Sunday morning would be a good start. Get all your financial information in hand and make an appointment with a solicitor, don't agree anything with him regarding future arrangements until you've got all the information at hand about where you stand.

The ADHD is a red herring. He sounds like a useless shit OP.

What a prince! He'd happily throw his wife and child out of the house and keep it to himself! A judge might see otherwise. You may not be able to buy him out but he will be obliged to contribute towards his child's upbringing (since he can't be bothered to do any actual parenting).

Ask yourself "what is the point of him?" (popular MN question).
You can also ask him this!

You'd be better off as a single parent as you could just get on with the parenting undisturbed by a useless twat messing you around.

Sounds as though he has a lot of growing up to do. Follow through and make him go. He can stay gone and do his growing up somewhere else as you already have one child to look after.

He sounds like a complete waste of oxygen. Go it alone and your life will be much easier.

ADHD isn’t your problem.

The problem is your “D”H is a self absorbed prick.

YANBU in kicking him out.

YABU in thinking he gets to keep the house. It's part of the asset pot, including pensions, savings, expensive cars etc. Go speak to a solicitor to find out where you stand, even if you don't go through with it.

YABU in excusing his behaviour as ADHD. I don't see any of that in your examples, only a nasty, manipulative, selfish man.

It's not helping, it's parenting.

Not being mean to you, but he's a total loser.

I’m shocked he said you couldn’t go out with him. That’s really controlling. Maybe he can go and stay with one of the people who ‘build him up’.