Advice please. Not coping with high pressure job and small children

[Spaggybollynese]

Name changed, long time MNer.

I am very fortunate to have a great, well paid job which I (mostly) enjoy and two beautiful children. I am however absolutely falling to pieces trying to do it all. DH also has a very full on job with no option of changing it (own business). I honestly feel like I’m going insane trying to keep up with it all. My chest is permanently tight. I’m forgetful and making mistakes. Can’t think properly. I’m so tired.

I’m trying to problem solve, approach it logically and list things I could do to make things better, but am hitting a block with each idea. I’m hoping to get advice or words of wisdom from people who have come out the other side

E.G. I could

• Get up early to exercise more: I benefit in the morning and in general mental health, but then pay for it later in the day and am wiped out by late afternoon (about 70-80% of the time we are still woken in the night on and off) DCs also now started waking very early which ruins any chance I had of some peace!
• Pay for more help: I keep revisiting this but it seems we can’t afford it - we have childcare for school and nursery pick up and in the evening up to bedtime a few days a week. We have a cleaner/housekeeper 12 hours a week. Send ironing out. Gardener March - December. DH says he has no more slack in his finances to pay for more and I certainly don’t
• Try to reduce my workload/hours: this doesn’t seem to be popular in my organisation, but am going to flag to my manager that I’m struggling and see what is said. Feel chances are slim of anything significant coming from it. Also see above re paid help, which I need to keep earning to pay for!!

Sure you get the picture- any advice is greatly appreciated

I would absolutely reduce my hours if I were you. Can you do 4 days a week?

Yes I think compressed hours of 4 days as pp said would help you. You should still earn around the same .

I don’t have any particular advice just to say I feel the same. I spoke to my manager today about 4 days per week - also work in an environment where this is not popular. Hope you are able to receive some helpful advice 🤞🏼

I suggest you start by thinking about sleep training for the children, including bringing in help if that feels unachievable. I think things would feel much better if you could sleep solidly.

After that I would consider fitting some mindfulness practice or meditation into your day. Quicker than exercise and well evidenced for wellbeing improvement.

No advice but I am in the same boat. I keep missing appointments and forgetting things. I'm in a rubbish cycle of not getting enough done in the day as I'm so tired ans having to catch up after kids bedtime.

I'm planning to take a couple days holiday just for me, I literally have never done this as want to spend all my time off with the kids. And set aside Saturday mornings to work while the kids are at activities to try and catch up on work, instead of evenings. I feel I'm about to burn out. Hoping it will seem a bit easier in the summer

Would a 9 day fortnight be possible? What about taking unpaid parental leave to gift yourself a few weeks extra annual leave a year? This has the advantage that your employer doesn't have to agree, you just have a right to take it. https://www.gov.uk/parental-leave

Speaking from experience - suggest booking a week or two’s leave. Keep all the childcare and use it to mainly sleep. Get yourself in shape where you can think:
-could you get more childcare to help? Maybe cull garden costs or others to help, I reckon childcare has biggest impact
-best way to reduce work. Is it compressed hours? Is it extra annual leave? Is it Wfh 2 days. Etc. there are options but what works best will depend on job and life.
-could you simplify anything else? Eg are you over complicating parties or kids activities or anything like that. Strip back as much as you can!

Ditch the gardener and make that your exercise

If you can get 4 days, you might find you lose less income than you expect because of tax. Clearly something has to give. Outside help sounds great, but seems stressful to manage the architecture tbh.

How old are the DC? Definitely knock the night waking on the head and teach them to stay quietly in their rooms if they wake early. You need your sleep as much as they do!

What job do you do? Are you able to work from home a couple of days a week? You would still be working the same number of hours, but save time on a commute and can use your lunch break to put a wash on or change the bedding or do a work out or take a nap or whatever.

Are you able to change your working hours? Maybe work an extra hour Mon-Thurs and have Friday afternoon off. I work longer hours on Tuesdays and Thursdays and have Wednesday afternoons off. I work with people in multiple timezones, so my employer was glad to approve the change as it benefitted the business.

Also, if you need a break, you are entitled to parental leave. It is unpaid, but if you feel you are burning out, it might be worth booking a week and recharging.

Also, take a multivitamin and iron tablet as this may help give you more energy.

Do you feel the situation is likely to improve as the children get older? If not, then maybe you need to carefully consider your job. There is an enormous middle-ground between SAHM and very high pressure jobs.

What's causing the actual stress? Looks like you already buy in a lot of help which is sensible.

When you say high pressure job, in what way - always on? High consequences if something goes wrong? Would fewer hours help or would you just end up trying to do more in the hours you have?

Are you WFH or in the office?

One day less at work would cover the garden and the house over time (not immediately but you could reduce standards for six months whilst you work out efficiencies /cut out unnecessary tasks, get used to being sloppier, having dirtier house etc, relaxing re mess)
That's also one day less childcare costs on wrap around/bedtime.
Stop sending out ironing...wear things that don't need ironing.
Don't, whatever you do, give up sleep to exercise
Exercise will be covered by housework, errands, garden, picking up kids.
Prioritize your sleep over tidy house and efficient systems at this point
You need a break such as unpaid parental leaveto think all this through, I really felt concerned reading as you obviously feel this is all your responsibility to "fix".
It's not, both you and your DH will have to take responsibility for changing the set up whether by lowering standards, reducing outgoings, rethinking this particularly stressful stage in parenthood.

The children will also be waking to get your full attention. This is definitely "a thing". It will pass but then they start refusing to go to bed when you want...that's the next stage (5 to 9).
They will need that attention, you can't train children not to need endless input, it's hardwired 😥

It's like the fairy tale about the man who trained his horse to eat less and less straw and then the horse dropped dead.
You are the horse...you are working incredibly hard to make everything "run", regardless of paid help (that comes at a pressure to organise too, not just financial)but it doesn't solve the fact that you are ending up with no time or sleep and feel you are responsible for keeping show on the road always

Go to bed earlier

Forgot exercising on your own... Exercise with the kids at weekend I.e. parks, bike rides, general running around.

Prioritize sleep above everything else.

Get your dc sleeping through reliably and get yourself to bed by 9.30pm every night (allows for half an hour to fall asleep). Everything is more manageable if you are well rested

Is it a shared problem? There's something about your post that makes it seem like you are the one managing house stuff/stress, not your husband.
What's your c leaner/housekeeper doing ? 12 hours is good help. Are you using them most efficient way for your needs? How old are children? How old a re you ? Is there other stuff going on, otger concerns or other history?

There are simply too many men opting out of doing the hard parts of childcare because of "work". Where there is a will, there's a way. It sounds like your husband lacks the will? He needs to step up more so that you don't have a nervous breakdown or give up your career.

I used to work as an EA for 5 C-suite execs and the amount of absolute bullshit they fed their wives was unbelievable. You'd think they were working their fingers to the bone, the way they were going on, only to stay at work and avoid family dinner and bed time etc etc. It's disgusting and I don't believe any work is so critical that you can happily let your partner flounder.

I think you need to work out exactly what causes you stress - normally its having to do housework or no flexible childcare - but you have this. 12 hours housekeeping seems huge!
Is it life admin? guilt? cooking/shopping?
if you cut down your hours you'd presumably then have to do the work that the paid help is now doing- does that feel less stressful?

Can't you go to the gym during work times- then it doens't impinge on your sleep and gives you a break

I really don't understand where this obsession with going to the gym comes from.
More expense, more demands, more being told how to "perfect yourself".
OP needs sleep and to stop having to think about other people all the time.
A brisk walk in the sunshine is exercise and headspace...it's always available.

It’s a general overwhelming feeling. But can you be more specific about the things you feel you are ‘failing’ at, which is probably causing you stress.

I felt the same way and cut off a chunk of my work, just so I felt more present for the kids with capacity to help with homework or whatever. That’s what I felt I was failing at, because before they were just staring at tv whilst I was catching up with work on the laptop. If you can identify the issue more clearly it might point towards a solution.

Suspect you have a "DH problem"? He says he doesn't have enough slack in his finances for more paid help. How much do you know about his finances? Appreciate it's harder with the self-employed.

Is he pulling his weight with night-wakings? Food-supply? Tidying?

Are both kids nursery age? I agree with the posters suggesting a week's holiday for sleep and thought.

This is also me. No advice as I have no idea how to fix it but solidarity!

I work 4 days compressed hours so get paid thr same but have a day off, though it's with my kids. You could do this but have a day off proper.

This OP.