Advice please. Not coping with high pressure job and small children

[Spaggybollynese]

Name changed, long time MNer.

I am very fortunate to have a great, well paid job which I (mostly) enjoy and two beautiful children. I am however absolutely falling to pieces trying to do it all. DH also has a very full on job with no option of changing it (own business). I honestly feel like I’m going insane trying to keep up with it all. My chest is permanently tight. I’m forgetful and making mistakes. Can’t think properly. I’m so tired.

I’m trying to problem solve, approach it logically and list things I could do to make things better, but am hitting a block with each idea. I’m hoping to get advice or words of wisdom from people who have come out the other side

E.G. I could

• Get up early to exercise more: I benefit in the morning and in general mental health, but then pay for it later in the day and am wiped out by late afternoon (about 70-80% of the time we are still woken in the night on and off) DCs also now started waking very early which ruins any chance I had of some peace!
• Pay for more help: I keep revisiting this but it seems we can’t afford it - we have childcare for school and nursery pick up and in the evening up to bedtime a few days a week. We have a cleaner/housekeeper 12 hours a week. Send ironing out. Gardener March - December. DH says he has no more slack in his finances to pay for more and I certainly don’t
• Try to reduce my workload/hours: this doesn’t seem to be popular in my organisation, but am going to flag to my manager that I’m struggling and see what is said. Feel chances are slim of anything significant coming from it. Also see above re paid help, which I need to keep earning to pay for!!

Sure you get the picture- any advice is greatly appreciated

You don't need a gardener. Do it yourself; exercise and mental calm. Get the kids their own growing patch
Or get a different job

I would try to step back and look at it clinically as a family.

I didn't like the bit where your DH couldn't pay for any more help. How much money is his business making? If you earn more, it makes more sense for him to cut his hours.

Have you sat down and written a list of which things you are struggling with, and what sort of things you are forgetting? Maybe keeping track for a week or so and then reviewing might help you work out where the problem is?

Given the amount of physical help you have, I wonder if it's the organisational / mental load side? Which of you and you DH does all the school stuff, e.g. homework support, reading, keeping track of the endless emails with ad-hoc requests? Who works out the kids need new clothes and sorts them? Who organises kids activities / social lives?

I think there is a certain degree of small children are exhausting and accepting life IS hard for a few years. But your DH needs to be doing his fair share. I know you said he has a stressful job but you said you do too. Exercise I do once DC are in bed but also accept it is not always possible and make peace with that. Also making peace with the house not being quite as immaculate and tiny as I'd like all of the time. What are you struggling with most?

Do not cancel the gardener and use that as your exercise. It will just add to your stress.

Do not reduce your hours and use that time to “get on top of the house”. False economy.

Personally I would take a couple of weeks annual leave, sleep train the kids, and work out what you want to do. Don’t put pressure on yourself to achieve anything.

I’ve been through this and I did find the early morning gym thing helpful. I go to DL 4x a week at 6 or 7am and just do what I fancy, even if it’s just a short swim and a sauna. It has helped me cope with everything else.

I agree with pp to take some annual leave and recoup, sleep train children

sound like after school cleaning and gardening are sorted
is you do doing his 50% or are you picking up his slack?

Your husband doesn’t get a pass from the home dress because of work. You need to work through this together.
Lack of sleep is a killer - how old are the children?

I don't know about the sleep training if they are not waking constantly. If they're already in full time nursery it may be connection that they are looking for. A gro clock could help early waking though.

I’m not familiar with the tale but this is a brilliant analogy. No one can do it all, it’s a lie.

If you can drop a day at work you might find you’re more effective at work than you are now. At the moment, no one is getting what they need from you-especially you!

It seems to me like you already outsource a lot so I would take a punt and say it’s emotionally too much for you ? Rather than actually physically?

I was in your position ( minus the housekeeper and outsourcing of ironing etc) I’m not sure chucking money at more STUFF will help, rather invest it in yourself.

I would focus on YOU try yoga or meditation or a calm app. It only needs to be 10 mins. Get a life coach maybe ?

and yes. Sleep train.

On paper it looks like you have enough support. Provided your dh picks up his share. A man who keeps his finances to himself might be guarding his own time too.
Anyway, some of the symptoms you describe could be linked to perimenopause. Before you detonate your career do get it checked out - by menopause experts not your GP.

I feel you are blaming yourself for this situation...you start the post by talking about how fortunate you are to have a good enjoyable job and beautiful children. As if it's your fault you havent thought of a logical solution to your "falling apart".
Perhaps this is a perfect valid response to an impossible overload of mind and body.
Maybe change jobs, or sit down with your husband and say there have to be some changes to present set up with his work.

There is nothing in this world that isn't negotiable. If you resigned and lost all those earnings but ditched all the help what would be the financial differential?
Could that be a short term fix just to see how that feels?
The other thing people make the mistake of doing is imaging that if they power through things will get better..it's not true. Children get older but there is always some new challenge or crisis. You have to leave some slack somewhere.

How old are kids - if school/pre school age they def need to be sleep trained

What time do they wake in am

Plus you said in the night

Is it habit they wake ? What do you do to get back to sleep

School age is old enough that if wakes early can read a book quietly in bed till 7

Sleep is important so crack that that on the head and you should hopefully feel mentally and physically a bit better with more sleep each night

Many suggest compressing hours - not sure if this is possible

Is dh business successful ? Can he take on extra work for more money

could have written this myself.
i work four days over five (so I have two afternoons off to pick up from school). In resort it means I work a full time job in reduced pay, but the flexibility it gives me is worth it. But I still don’t have any time to myself….

A word of warning on requesting compressed hours.

Our large financial firm got rid of these for everyone last year - except in some very specific circumstances- with no warning and the mood music was that you were a selfish loafer to have had them in the first place. I'd imagine other companies will follow suit.

No offense OP, but you are not actually describing what it is you are struggling with. Is it finding time for exercise? Struggling to keep up with work? House stuff (12h of help is already a lot, what is causing you problem with the rest?).

Anyhow I do relate, and if your work allows I would say that condensed hours could be a good thing to try, it means less of a drop of salary. That's what I do and an extra day off each week definitely compensate for having to fit an extra couple of hours the rest of the week. You don't have to do 100% as well, you could find a compromise with your employer for something between 80-100% on 4 days.

For the house work etc, lowering your standards if a good place to start. Our house is a mess 4 days out of 7, but it's clean and we do tidy when the cleaner comes each week. We've accepted it lol.

For food we split with my husband because I lost it at some point last year trying to do everything on my own. He is responsible for 3 evening meals, he found that box delivery worked better for him so he deals with that, recipes are usually 30-45 min for 4 and he doesn't need to really think about it beyond placing the order. I get the groceries delivered on my day off and prep the other meals.

Can you detail where exactly you think the stress is coming from? With that much paid help, is it from home responsibilities or work?

If work, then cutting hours is the solution on the face of it. But beware those going down to 4 days in most jobs simply have to carry 5 days of workload in a shorter space, which isn’t fair. Compressed hours is fairer for your pay if you can hack the hours and the extra pressure of squeezing it in.

are you being a perfectionist?

you don't need to iron things / arrange ironing
you don't need to go to the gym
you don't need to spend time meditating
you don't need to cook fancy dinners
you don't need to arrange all sorts of things for the kids - chilled out play at home is good for them.

if at the end of the day, everyone in the house is fed and healthy, you are doing a great job as a parent and you don't need to do more.

It sounds like it’s work rather than home/children as you have what sounds like full time childcare, and the housekeeper?

have things changed at work - different projects, different responsibilities? How long have you been back from maternity leave?

Struggling to see why your husband isn’t helping more. The whole point of running your own business is that he’s his own boss. You might get sacked if you perform poorly, he cannot be. If your salaries can’t support the lifestyle you want (that really is a lot of help you have in the house) then something needs to give. I have the same set up as you - very highly paid job but the difference is my DH takes the flexibility from being his own boss to be a very present father.

Id also echo annual leave and sleep training.

I think it's the DH with his "full on" job that could be the issue. Even with all that paid support if OP is the one doing all the night and early wakings, drop offs and pickups and organisation of everything including gardener, then she is spinning all the plates.

I'd see if a fairer split of responsibilities can be made e.g.anything to do with garden DH sorts it out, he does early mornings with DCs half the week.

Could you cut down to work from home a day a week or go down to 4.5 days to buy you some room?

Op - I work in a sector which can be very high pressured - and I will tell you this - I do not regret de-prioritising my career and working part time - I have achieved a lot still - I've had to drop days but - in the long run I have still managed to do important (to me) work - it has just taken longer ! I've moved slower but I've still had a career that matters to me.

I've kept going in the right direction and once my kids are older teens (they are tweens at moment) -I will accelerate again!

Life is short - it's okay to admit you cannot do TWO important jobs fulltime - parenting and the paid job.

Why not take the day off a week and then use that to potter about at home, relax get shit done /life admin/ have a coffee with friends - pick the kids up, organise playdates - the years go fast.

my son is now through the whole playdate thing - he is at secondary and I no longer need to collect him etc. It does pass.

I am so glad i allowed a bit of time in my life to actually LIVE

and - if you met me you would consider me to have a good job/ career/ achieve interesting things - but - there have been many many days I've been at home/ collecting kids while life has gone on and I've felt very left out of the work vibe.

Also. hard agree your Dh should also be dropping time at work - this is family life.

Make sure you and dh have equal amounts of leisure and brain strain.

Minimize work required - buy clothes that don't need ironing, get garden made to be low maintenance, do easy cooking. If DC are at private school, move them to state school and use the money to free yourselves up.

I often think of these common deathbed regrets - wishing you'd worked less and spent more time with family is a common one. https://metro.co.uk/2024/03/12/5-common-deathbed-regrets-according-a-nurse-20447590/ I know it's not that easy when you have financial commitments etc. But kids are only little for a short while and if you work yourselves into a nervous breakdown or heart attack, something will have to give anyway.

I think you really need to sit with pen and paper and see what you want to focus of your life to be, you sound like you feel out of control and too thinly spread. What's important and what can be dropped?