Advice please. Not coping with high pressure job and small children

[Spaggybollynese]

Name changed, long time MNer.

I am very fortunate to have a great, well paid job which I (mostly) enjoy and two beautiful children. I am however absolutely falling to pieces trying to do it all. DH also has a very full on job with no option of changing it (own business). I honestly feel like I’m going insane trying to keep up with it all. My chest is permanently tight. I’m forgetful and making mistakes. Can’t think properly. I’m so tired.

I’m trying to problem solve, approach it logically and list things I could do to make things better, but am hitting a block with each idea. I’m hoping to get advice or words of wisdom from people who have come out the other side

E.G. I could

• Get up early to exercise more: I benefit in the morning and in general mental health, but then pay for it later in the day and am wiped out by late afternoon (about 70-80% of the time we are still woken in the night on and off) DCs also now started waking very early which ruins any chance I had of some peace!
• Pay for more help: I keep revisiting this but it seems we can’t afford it - we have childcare for school and nursery pick up and in the evening up to bedtime a few days a week. We have a cleaner/housekeeper 12 hours a week. Send ironing out. Gardener March - December. DH says he has no more slack in his finances to pay for more and I certainly don’t
• Try to reduce my workload/hours: this doesn’t seem to be popular in my organisation, but am going to flag to my manager that I’m struggling and see what is said. Feel chances are slim of anything significant coming from it. Also see above re paid help, which I need to keep earning to pay for!!

Sure you get the picture- any advice is greatly appreciated

I'd say that the big old house that needs a twelve hours a week paid housekeeper might be impressive and fit with a 'lifestyle" on paper, but is an albatross around your neck.

Reduce your outgoings, reduce the pressure on yourself to perform, split the work equally between you and your DH. Get to a point where you are present enough to live your one short life with the people that you love, because at the end of the day, that is all there is.

following up on the thread, I went to the GP to check out my symptoms, as it seems I need to do this to then be referred to a menopause specialist. They were dismissive and said I need to have blood tests and only if they come back with anything they will refer me. I am 40. This is with private healthcare.

When you say to see a meno expert, are you aware of there is a way to do this direct?

This. It’s very exhausting and frustrating to always be trying to do several things at once. If this could be the issue, focus on how to improve this so you can feel fully present with DCs or with work at least some of the time.

Could you work 9 day fortnights and have every other Friday off?

Consider swapping the current childcare and cleaner/housekeeper for a nanny housekeeper. Possibly the gardener too to make up more financial shortfall if needed. A nanny housekeeper for say 20hrs a week will achieve far more for you.

@JussathoB it is this a lot of the time. I’m constantly running around in semi chaos doing several things at once - badly.

it’s actually got a lot worse over the past couple of weeks as both mine and DH work has got super busy, and it’s school holidays. And I had some work travel. I honestly feel like I’m close to a breakdown. I feel like I’m not ‘in’ my body, it’s a very strange feeling. I keep crying uncontrollably- DH has stepped in on a lot as I feel like I am cracking up 😔

Sounds like burn out. Would suggest you see your GP and get signed off with stress. Then talk to your employer about what the options might be for changing your hours or reducing your workload.

Absolutely second this

Feeling like you are not 'in' your body is called depersonalisation and can be related to stress (among other things). It can get better but needs time and rest and gentle exercise, not zoom calls and computer screens and mental stress.

Blood tests are important. It could be all sorts of things not just peri menopause. I think your GP is right. Then you can be given the right specialist if necessary
I for example at 44 found I had hypothyroidism and vit D deficiency not peri menopause at all. So I was treated for right problem (referred to thyroid specialist)
I really feel for you OP, hope things get better soon.

No advice but I'm in the same boat! Have you asked work about WFH? Personally I find it much easier to WFH and juggle it, but I need to be in the office four days. After my second mat leave I'm planning to request more WFH days

Actually, I do have some advice. Have you tried doing less? Delegate at work. Book a holiday but keep childcare in place so you can just relax for a week or so.

Exercise less. There's actually an interesting study where they took very busy people in high pressure jobs at risk of a heart attack and told them to regularly exercise.

Those told to regularly exercise were SIGNIFICANTLY more likely to have a heart attack, because the pressure of adding more tasks to their busy workload caused them significant stress.

You definitely don't need to do more exercise, or to do MORE things. You're burning out. You need to sit in your pyjamas and watch box sets for a week to recharge. Your body will thank you for it

This is nonsense. You can’t test for the perimenopause with a blood test. Diagnosis is based on symptoms since hormone levels vary to wildly throughout the day anyway. You need to see a different doctor.

Havjng said that, you may be years off the perimenopause. I believe the average age is 45. It sounds like you Or your husband just need to reduce your hours or pay for more help.

Do you feel that it's reasonable to keep on adding in pressure to a human and never expect them to reach the limits of what they're able to do? Or do you feel there's a point at which the way you are living and the choices that you're making are no longer working for you?

The tears and feeling like you're "cracking up" and out of body, is you clearly telling yourself, that you're beyond the limit of what is possible for you right now. You need to listen. There's not a secret that you're missing that will enable you to cope ad infinitum.

Your lifestyle isn't sustainable and something will have to give, preferably not you. Your children need you in one healthy happy piece, not rocking in a corner of your huge beautiful house because of stress due to life choices. What are you trying to achieve in your time on this earth? Seriously, have a think about what's important and what you want to show your children about what is important? Would you want them tying themselves into similar knots at age 40? If not, why not?

It may be perimenopause, it may not, but either way things aren't going to get a hell of a lot easier on that score in the next decade more than likely, so you need to throw off some of your pressure to enable you to cope in the medium and longer term, not sit in your pyjamas eating crisps for a week. Although to be fair, that doesn't sound awful, but it won't help you in any significant lasting way.

What are you actually running round doing? Surely there can't be much left after 12 hours of cleaning. Most people that have cleaners have them for 2 hours every other week!

I suggest stop doing everything except cooking and washing up and laundry and looking after the children. Do a little basic tidying once a week for an hour. Eat freezer food with salads.

But other than that reassess your lifestyle, cut costs, cut your hours. Life is too short. You are obviously loaded - you don't need to be rich to be happy. Is your husband on board? Or is he part of the problem?

Reduce your workload - no-one can do 2 jobs and do both properly. It is simply not feasible. The only reason for doing this would be poverty. If you can afford it, then do it.

THIS 100%

@Spaggybollynese
I hope you are ok. This thread popped up again after someone awoke the zombie and I just wanted to check in with you.
I'm gong to suggest that you compress your hours into 9 days in every 2 weeks and take time for yourself and getting a handle on the organisation tasks in peace.
You and your DH both have big and demanding jobs and if he doesn't have the resilience to share the load then he needs to support you to do the additional load.
If 1 day in every 2 weeks for you can't be managed then one of you (don't make me suggest him!) needs to take 3 days a month all at once to organically de the big things.
Good luck x