Advice please. Not coping with high pressure job and small children

[Spaggybollynese]

Name changed, long time MNer.

I am very fortunate to have a great, well paid job which I (mostly) enjoy and two beautiful children. I am however absolutely falling to pieces trying to do it all. DH also has a very full on job with no option of changing it (own business). I honestly feel like I’m going insane trying to keep up with it all. My chest is permanently tight. I’m forgetful and making mistakes. Can’t think properly. I’m so tired.

I’m trying to problem solve, approach it logically and list things I could do to make things better, but am hitting a block with each idea. I’m hoping to get advice or words of wisdom from people who have come out the other side

E.G. I could

• Get up early to exercise more: I benefit in the morning and in general mental health, but then pay for it later in the day and am wiped out by late afternoon (about 70-80% of the time we are still woken in the night on and off) DCs also now started waking very early which ruins any chance I had of some peace!
• Pay for more help: I keep revisiting this but it seems we can’t afford it - we have childcare for school and nursery pick up and in the evening up to bedtime a few days a week. We have a cleaner/housekeeper 12 hours a week. Send ironing out. Gardener March - December. DH says he has no more slack in his finances to pay for more and I certainly don’t
• Try to reduce my workload/hours: this doesn’t seem to be popular in my organisation, but am going to flag to my manager that I’m struggling and see what is said. Feel chances are slim of anything significant coming from it. Also see above re paid help, which I need to keep earning to pay for!!

Sure you get the picture- any advice is greatly appreciated

I just wrote a very long and thoughtful reply and it’s gone, typical. Thank you for all the replies it’s really appreciated, will try again later. FFS.

Agree. The problem with being self employed (and a contractor to some extent) is that you expand and fill the time with as much work as you find. The work becomes the fixed parameter rather than the time available.
It’s also hard to turn down work and contracts some you can take too much on at once.

It’s expected at the beginning of a new business that you have to put in a ridiculous amount of hours, but once it’s set up then that’s unsustainable. You have to be very disciplined to manage your time and get a better work life balance.

I would access some CBT therapy for managing stress/anxiety. Or hypnotherapy. Try meditation or yoga. Exercise could h help but maybe 2-3 times a week.

Also the 4 days is a good idea.

I don't know why so many posters are telling OP to ditch the exercise when she states it benefits her MH?

My daily morning run is crucial to my mental health so it would be among the last things to go tbh.

I agree with other posters OP - reduce your hours or see if you can WFH two days a week.

4 days is a bargain for a lot of businesses as they get to pay you 4 days salary but get more than 4 days work out of you invariably. Despite that was still a godsend for me when the kids were small.

Why do you need childcare up until bedtime? Are you and your DH working evenings too?

DH and I both have full on financial services jobs so I feel you.

Having a mothers help- nanny and cleaner combo works well for us as she can be flexible about emptying the washing machine during nanny time etc. Works better than a cleaner just for cleaning. What does yours do for 12 hours?

We batch cook at the weekend (cooking is a hobby rather than a chore for me at the weekend). Big use of COOK meals, and very easy things like rotisserie chicken with jacket potatoes and microwave green veg.

But both of us pull our weight. DH sees our child and house as equally his responsibility.

On paper you've got loads of help. I suspect your DH is not pulling his weight, using the Big Important Job card.

Guess what, your job is big and important too. The default response should not be for you to make things work, it's to identify where the stress points are and what you as a family do about them. If your DH won't engage with doing things differently, there's your answer.

This is me (except I have 3 kids) I ended up feeling like I was at burn out. I went to see a therapist and I eventually ended up getting diagnosed with ADHD. It explains so much.

In terms of practical tips, I outsource as much as I can (gardener, cleaner, laundry guy) and the big one - we have a nanny who looks after me as much as she does the kids.

Also, without sounding massively patronising, DH and I set aside one evening in the week to go out for dinner without the kids (nanny babysits) We start the evening by running through what is coming in the week ahead, agreeing on decisions that need making (anything from where shall we go on holiday this summer to should we get the living room cleaned?), and assigning things (I'll phone the rug cleaning guy, you shortlist three hotels for the summer holiday)

A cleaner 12 hours a week and a gardener really struck me. You must have a big house! Could you reduce the cleaner to 4 hours a week and cut the gardener's hours, which might give you a chance to work one day less a week or even go part time? In your shoes, I'd ditch the gardener, which is a luxury when you're running yourself into the ground.

Don't ditch the exercise.

Do ditch the ironing!

It’s really hard when they are small and still waking multiple times at night, you have my sympathy 💐
sounds like you never get to ‘switch off’ mentally, you’re either flat out thinking about work or flat out thinking about the family?
my advice is to be more selfish! No one is going to willingly give you that time, you need to claim it back which if you are a giver/people pleaser will be a mental hurdle to get over but you can do it!
my DC is older now but during those years, on my days in the office I literally got up and walked out of the house, leaving DH to do everything and it worked because he had no alternative than to make it work. I also went to an exercise class once a week straight after work so he had to run the whole show that evening as well. He also worked full time in a demanding role.
Having wfh days absolutely helps so see if that is possible, we do opposite days so someone is always at home but we aren’t getting in each other’s way and whoever is home does a couple of lunchtime admin tasks when needed (car insurance, builders quotes, booking classes and activities etc)
also we have a massive family planner calendar on the kitchen wall and everything goes on there - childcare, appointments, classes, PE kit needed etc. We literally sit down on a Sunday after dinner and plan the week as a family which means nothing is in anyone’s head and we all know who is meant to be where with what on which day. It’s a game changer.

A different perspective to those saying to reduce the 12 hours housekeeping/cleaning: we have a nanny housekeeper who does 9 hours while the kids are at school. As well as doing kids laundry she irons, deals with the grocery delivery and keeps the house organised and tidy which, when you both work long hours, is invaluable. I ask her to do ad hoc household tasks as well. It relieves a huge burden and means that, when we finish work, the house is tidy and ordered.

I would revisit what is done in the 12 hours and reprioritise what is most important or helpful for you.

I am going to repeat my advice from another thread. How old are you?
I became a mother at 42. High pressure career, main wage earner, large house and garden etc etc. Then COVID. Slowly boiled like a frog until I couldn't sleep, couldn't focus, couldn't manage and was in constant state of anxiety and panic. Dropping balls and thinking I had lost the plot and would have to stop working. I thought it was stress/life/situation but, of course, it was entirely hormone related. GP initially gave me sertraline which reduced the panic and I went to a specialist menopause clinic for HRT. I am 100% back to my capable and ambitious self and am back gliding through life at 51. Worth considering.

Quickly for the 12 hours housekeeping- it’s a big old house and also the business HQ for DH, so it’s not as mad as it’s sounds! Back to the next meeting…

@Bohemond23 I am 40. I hadn’t thought about peri/ hormones. Maybe will get that checked out.

Re-reading the OP it looks like you have childcare upto bedtime several days a week as well. When do your DC actually spend time with you? If the only time they get your attention is during the night and by waking early, then that's what they are going to do. How much of your time does this big important job actually take/need?

Having been there, although without the big house or housekeeper, I would strongly suggest dropping a day at work. I went down to 4.5 days in 4 and now I have 4 days work, 3 days weekend so am much less stressed, and I actually get to see my kids.

With reference to your high pressure job OP, this is what I had to do when my children were younger - my employer understood once I showed them how much they were expecting me to achieve - they told me what could go in the dump it box. Its the 4 Ds managing your time technique. https://www.forbes.com/sites/bryancollinseurope/2018/06/14/effective-time-management/?sh=3fbf5da81938

I use it for home and work - my guess is you put too much in the Do It pile, hence your feeling of overwhelm.

Honestly? Women in the 1960s were sold a lie. You can't have it all. Well paid jobs tend to come with high expectations. Long hours mean less time to do life things.

I was in your position years ago. I tried going 4 days a week but realistically had largely the same workload so it didn't help. I even took a step down, but again there was a big workload all needing to be done.

We did the maths and I packed it in. DH's salary could cover mortgage, bills and essentials if we were frugal so I resigned and became an SAHM. Best decision for us. No more stress for either of us as I took responsibility for home life and DH could go to all the meetings and evenings out he needed. Camping hols only and no eating out or takeaways etc but we managed. And all is well now, nearly 20 years later.

I worked around DC for a few years but never went back to my old career. Big difference between you and me is that I never actually enjoyed my career. Too much travel.

Ask the question about reducing hours temporarily. I wouldn't compress them though, you'll work 4 long days and then be wiped out on the non working day. Can finances stretch to you doing this?

Definitely do. It hadn’t occurred to me either as I didn’t have any of the hot flushes etc. And, stupidly, it was only when I got what I thought were stress related physical symptoms - palpitations and tinnitus - that I went to the GP. Don’t leave it as long as I did.

And I will add that my career is very important to me. It defines me and I am that first, mother and partner second, and it gives us the life we have. Not that I wouldn’t chuck it all in in extremis, but it would be a big decision. May be the same for you.

Compressed hours might be just what you need. Full time hours over 4 or even 4.5 days, as you already have childcare in place.
Having one day a week when you can schedule appointments, go for a run, catch up on personal correspondence, home management and have the opportunity to decompress might give you back enough mental space to push through.

It will get better when DC all sleep through but for now you need to put as much effort into your wellbeing as you do into your family's.

DO NOT REDUCE YOUR HOURS.

Sorry, but I think that's a terrible idea as it's clear that your career is important to you and you're already struggling. Doing fewer hours makes your career suffer and you're left doing yet more of the domestic load.

You haven't really said what it is you're struggling with in terms of what is stressing you out/what mistakes you're making. But looking at your list of help you'r buying in, I think the problem might be that you're not getting the right help in the right way. Obviously, I'm not sure how many hours you have childcare but I'm guessing it's at least 15 hours a week plus a further 12 hours a week of cleaning/housekeeping. I suspect this is where you can make the most change. What is it that these people are doing, and how can it be adapted to suit you better? eg, do you find the chores of cooking and tidying up a challenge? Can you nanny cook enough for you and DH on the days she's cooking for the children? Or can the housekeeper do it (you may need a different housekeeper). Is it appointments and organisation you're struggling with? Again, if it's the children's stuff, can the nanny take that on - my sister's nanny did everything from booking dentist appointments to clothes shopping for example. Is the ironing just another chore on your list - so again, can you create a better system where clothes that need ironing are in a pile in a certain place, and the housekeeper hands them off to your ironing service then collects/brings them in and puts them away on return?

If you do want to consider changes at work, I'd be looking at options like working from home a few days a week - that is often a better way to squeeze in some exercise by using commuting time for exercise. It also often reduces your overall tiredness and stress.