To say DH needs to step in and have a chat with DS

[thatsnotmyswan]

DS1 is 18, in sixth form. He was in a long term relationship of over a year which ended in January. He struggled with this massively, was depressed and very upset. It was a bit messy from what I can tell as she stayed a night in February, but we haven't seen her since.

Today a friend who's DD goes to school with DS informed me about some rumours going about in regards to DS behaviour. Apparently he is harassing his ex, calling her on no caller ID, hanging around outside her classes, shouting at her on her walk home from school saying she's slept with another guy in earshot of everyone. My friend thought it's better we know and talk to him.

I mentioned it to DS tonight, he told me it's not true and people are stirring it and he only wants to talk to her. I told him he's not entitled to talk to her if they have ended the relationship. DS2 stepped in (he's the year below) and told me that he's made fake instagrams to watch her stories without her knowing and checks it loads every day. In DS2s words "he's obsessed and creepy".
DS1 maintained this isn't true and everything's fine.

I've told DH about it and suggested he has a man to man talk, but DH says If DS says it's not true we need to believe him and have his back, even if it was true he's 18 it's not our business. AIBU thinking this isn't good enough and he should step up and have a chat? I'm ashamed of DS if he really is harassing this poor girl and not respecting boundaries.

I am sorry to say but somebody is the parents to the horrible men in the world and it does sound like you could be? Why would your husband believe DS1 but not DS2, DS2 is trying to help.

I don’t know that a word from you or your DH will help, but please try. And my only concern is for her btw.

I'm with your hubby
DS could be telling the truth or not. Just tell DS you believe him but if he is doing as you have heard, could land him trouble with the cops.

If our children told us something was not true, we'd believe them

@DistinguishedSocialCommentator DS2 has told her it is true- why is their word worth less than DS1 who has every reason to lie?
DS1 has admitted ‘he only wants to talk to her’ which indicates he is doing something to try and achieve that.
He is not entitled to her time or attention and needs to take no for an answer.

@thatsnotmyswan You’re not at all unreasonable to think DH should speak to his son but it seems like you’re going to have to continue to address his behaviour.

My apologies I mis-read the OP

Therefore, just warn him about the serious consequences of police action, criminal record and a good possibility of a thrashing by the girls family/friends etc

Re hubby, poss he trusts one more than the other

This is awful and your husbands attitude is shameful- op you are right, your son needs to be challenged.

He needs to understand boundaries and consent. He is not entitled to a female's attention or time.

Whatever the reality of the situation your DH needs to speak to him.

I'd be really disappointed if I was married to someone who took your husband's stance. In your shoes I'd talk with DS1 myself and spell it out to him very clearly that the way he is behaving is wrong and needs to stop. Saying "I just want to talk to her" somewhat gives the game away because it indicates that he is taking some kind of action with that aim in mind.

The only right thing for him to do is to respectfully leave her alone. That means no following her, no starting conversations with her, no talking about her to other people at college, no staring at her, no looking at her online profiles. If it's true that he's been shouting comments about her sleeping with other people in public then that's really disgusting. He just needs to completely leave her alone. Obviously I'd be clear with him that it's normal to grieve a lost relationship and that it's totally normal and understandable that he is still sad about it. It's his choice to harass this girl that's wrong, not his emotions about the breakup.

Your son is an 18 year old still on college. Effectively he is still a child but with the legal responsibility of an adult. It is really, really important that he receives good guidance on how to navigate this hugely formative experience in his life.

At barely just 18 he can be easily forgiven for getting it wrong as long as he accepts and understands why it is wrong and learns a healthier strategy. That's where you as parents come in, although could be another trusted person (ideally male), but he needs that someone.

Opening up communication is the first step - he's more likely to engage if he feels his pain is understood than if he feels under attack. The opening conversation doesn't have to accuse him of wrongdoing or lying and shouldn't do either. But brushing it under the carpet, minimising and hoping for the best is a stupid option that could ultimately see him with a criminal record if not with this ex then with the next.

Remind your DH and DS that they talk or it’s the police , as if it was my daughter that would be my next call . Why should she be subjected to this harassment, she has exams coming up . What are the school doing to protect her ? Poor DS2 ! In effect being called a liar . I totally agree with you , a parent needs to step in and say stop . No good can come if this . If he’s expelled for harassment, he will screw his exams .

This is just as much your responsibility as your husband's- it isn't a 'man to man' thing. If he's being crap, which he is, then you have to step up and be the parent.

This. Yes I'd be a bit disappointed in your DH, but there's absolutely no reason why you can't have a serious chat with DS yourself. Make it clear that what he's doing is illegal and reprehensible. If he continues to deny it, just say OK, I don't need to know exactly what's going on, but if he is trying to contact her in any way at all then he must stop immediately.

I'm with others - he needs a rocket up his arse pronto. Does he know what toxic masculinity is, what abusive relationships look like, what stalking is, how frightening being a woman on the other end is? Given that your dh is part of the problem - it'll have to be up to you.

I thought fathers were supposed to teach their sons how to become men. Aren’t we always told that a son needs a male role model? I’d suggest to your DH that he’s not being much of one.

I'd be saying you will be sharing the ip addresses of al tech in your home to the ex to clear his name, his reaction should tell the truth.

I would come down on him like a ton of bricks if I had confirmation of the harassment how dare be terrorise a woman for ending a relationship.

That’s a lot or ‘rumours’ , there is probably some truth in it, I think your husband needs to have a word with him,

Heartbreak is painfull so I feel for him but he can’t grow up thinking it is acceptable to behave this way

Maybe the girl wasn’t particularly nice to him at the end but still he needs to rise above it and move on

I would tell him exactly what would he think of a boy was doing this to his sister.

You have another parent who thinks it's so bad that they needed to let you know.

You have another DS who confirmed that it is.

You also have the DS involved claiming "he only wants to talk to her".

It is serious and it appears to be stalking which he could be prosecuted for.

If DH won't do it, you have to. This needs intervention for that grl's sake but also for your son. He needs to learn better ways of handling rejection.

He needs to be helped with better ways to handle his emotions. He needs to know that he will get over this and move on and look back and wonder what he was thinking. He needs to know it's not acceptable and won't help him in anyway to behave like this. He's trying to navigate his first broken heart and he needs some help with it.

He needs educating and supporting and not just telling that he's doing something illegal and is a bad person.

Men need to call out this behaviour, if DS1 doesn’t think what he is doing is inappropriate probably not going to listen to his mum (and she has already talked to him about it).

This. I see it all the time through my work unfortunately.

Somebody needs to talk to him, but I'm also not sure why it has to be your DH?

YANBU. It sounds like there is some truth to it if DS is saying "he only wants to talk to her" he's at the very least pressuring her for that. It is very important that young men hear that this is wrong from other men, not just women.

I believe ds2 and the friend as well as the “I just want to talk to her” comment. Your h’s attitude is very disappointing (why doesn’t he believe ds2?) but I also think it’s not an issue that only a man could handle.
Breakups are hard but watching her social media isn’t going to help him move on (voice of experience) . He needs to stop stalking her online and in real life because his behaviour is creepy and worthy of reporting to the police. If a girl was doing it to him, wouldn’t you report her so she stops ?

Because men need to be calling other men out for this behaviour.