To say DH needs to step in and have a chat with DS

[thatsnotmyswan]

DS1 is 18, in sixth form. He was in a long term relationship of over a year which ended in January. He struggled with this massively, was depressed and very upset. It was a bit messy from what I can tell as she stayed a night in February, but we haven't seen her since.

Today a friend who's DD goes to school with DS informed me about some rumours going about in regards to DS behaviour. Apparently he is harassing his ex, calling her on no caller ID, hanging around outside her classes, shouting at her on her walk home from school saying she's slept with another guy in earshot of everyone. My friend thought it's better we know and talk to him.

I mentioned it to DS tonight, he told me it's not true and people are stirring it and he only wants to talk to her. I told him he's not entitled to talk to her if they have ended the relationship. DS2 stepped in (he's the year below) and told me that he's made fake instagrams to watch her stories without her knowing and checks it loads every day. In DS2s words "he's obsessed and creepy".
DS1 maintained this isn't true and everything's fine.

I've told DH about it and suggested he has a man to man talk, but DH says If DS says it's not true we need to believe him and have his back, even if it was true he's 18 it's not our business. AIBU thinking this isn't good enough and he should step up and have a chat? I'm ashamed of DS if he really is harassing this poor girl and not respecting boundaries.

I think he needs some absolute ground rules and tell him if he doesn't commit to them you will contact the police yourself.

1. He doesn't go anywhere near this girl
2. Avoid her friends or doesn't discuss anything further with or about her
3. He deletes her number immediately & blocks all contact
4. Removes Facebook, Instagram etc
5. He seeks a counsellor immediately

He really does need to understand the gravity of what he has done. He s very luck not to be up on assault, harassment & stalking charges.

Part of me hopes she does report him.as I don't think he realises how serious this actually is.

He is behaving like this because he is not handling the break up well. He needs support with this such as counselling and distraction. He also needs to be aware that plenty of people are gossiping about him and if he doesn’t accept help he will embarrass himself further and also risk being in trouble with the police.

I'd be disappointed in DH too for not stepping up. As he won't, you need to tell your DS very firmly that his harassment of his ex girlfriend stops now - tell him if he doesn't stop he's going to end up with a criminal record. Make it very clear to him that she doesn't have to speak to him and he must leave her alone. Hopefully you can get through to him.

This. I'd be investigating this and sitting Ds1 down for a serious chat myself. Why would you leave it to DH as he obviously sees stalking ex girlfriends as acceptable?

Thank goodness for your ds2 being there as a moral compass. Your dh needs to pull his fingers out of his ears and admit your ds1’s behaviour is worrying. I’m glad your kids have got such a good mum. I’d also be tempted to reach out to the girl and find out if she’s ok, tell her you’re aware of the situation and are continuing to address it.

he has confided in you.
the last thing he needs is to be thrown out the house.
give yourself some time to process what he’s said.
he needs some therapy

I have 2 words for you... ALICE RUGGLES. I work for the police and your DS behaviour sounds extremely worrying. Your husband is being an ostrich which is not going to help. At 18 DS is an adult and can be arrested, charged and incarcerated as an adult and police take stalking very seriously these days..

Disgusting entitled toxic male behaviour. I hope she reports him to the police

He sounds hideous. He grabbed her so hard she has a bruise, he’s then proceeded to push her and block her from making a safe exit.

Then he’s justifying it and stalking/harassing her.

I feel sorry for whoever he will get with in the future... Was it a fist, foot or a door when she gets a smack for stepping out of line.

Not sure what you can do for someone like that long term. At 18 he’s an adult, not a 13 year old boy. I’d be furious if my DD ever come home with bruises because someone can’t control their temper.

He wouldn't have slept with her had he known she'd been with someone else as a single woman? I'm guessing his "unkind" words were of the slut-shaming variety. What a misogynistic piece of shit he's growing up to be. I'd be very ashamed of him too. I hope the girl does report him. Maybe he'll learn about boundaries then.

This !

OP, I can understand your anger, but it is good that he has now opened up and is being honest about it - much better than when he was denying everything. Now you can talk it through with him properly, talk about what he should have done and a way forward. He needs to stop all contact with her and if she does report to the police he needs to cooperate. But in reality she probably won't if she hasn't at this point. He may want to apologise but she probably just wants him to leave her alone.

What your son has done is very wrong

And if, as it appears, his biggest worry now is that his ex will report him to the police.....that does add to the picture of him being a piece of shit

However he's your son and this is , as far as you've told us, the first time he has shown himself to be a piece of shit

He needs help, therapy, lots of help and more therapy

He needs support to turn himself and his life around

And you and DH should help him do this

My 15 year old says that when her friends end relationships with same age boys they turn aggressive and nasty. Every single one except one boy from a different culture. The girls never do this - they just cry and complain to their friends but the boys - immediate anger and lashing out with misogynistic words.

Something has gone very very wrong in the way we are bringing up boys.

And the parents are in utter ignorance. Dd got cornered by the mother of a boy she knew who was twittering away about how handsome he was and how she bet all the girls liked him? Dd had to bite her tongue to not say no actually he is a misogynistic twat. Absolutely clueless.

Does his sixth form have a school police officer connected who can informally chat to your son regarding this? He needs to see that what he is doing could really land him in trouble and most importantly he’s really hurting his ex with his behaviour.

@thatsnotmyswan I am sorry you are faced with this. I really would be heartbroken. He is 18 an adult yes a young adult but there is no excuse under the sun for his behaviour.

I don't think I would ever look at him the same after his behaviour.

Awful as it is for the girl and her family think I would be even more devastated if a son I raised did this.

Only do this if you feel this should be dealt with by the police.

While schools have some discretion about whether to report criminal offences which take place on school property, with the OP's son being a legal adult and it falling under the VAWG strategy, this would almost certainly end up being officially recorded. As it's also a domestic, the police do not need the victim to support a complaint to proceed with an investigation. Even if no action is taken, it will be a matter of record and may have long term implications. Not saying you shouldn't do this, only that you need to be aware of what might happen . This cannot be just a 'chat' as the officer would be in breach of standards if s/he did not record and follow up once reported to.

The campaigner for women's rights part of me thinks you should address this robustly. The mother in me recognises that at 18 he is barely adult and has made a mistake but isn't beyond redemption. And he is your child and you will love him regardless.

You need to ask yourself whether this is something out of character and this is an opportunity to shape how he deals with rejection so he becomes a better man. If that's so, do that but mean it. You will only have one chance to turn this around.

If this is symptomatic of wider behaviour that needs a short sharp shock to the system before he goes on to seriously hurt another woman, report him. Sometimes tough love is the only way.

He is definitely stalking her. You've been told by two different sourcesand he's not going to admit it.
I would believe them if I were you.
One of you needs to talk to him, whether he will listen or not is a different matter but you got to try.

informed me about some rumours going about in regards to DS behaviour

Are they rumours or true? I know everyone is coming down on your DS but I know some girls who are not above stirring a bit of 'drama'. I would want to collect all the facts before going after him.