To say DH needs to step in and have a chat with DS

[thatsnotmyswan]

DS1 is 18, in sixth form. He was in a long term relationship of over a year which ended in January. He struggled with this massively, was depressed and very upset. It was a bit messy from what I can tell as she stayed a night in February, but we haven't seen her since.

Today a friend who's DD goes to school with DS informed me about some rumours going about in regards to DS behaviour. Apparently he is harassing his ex, calling her on no caller ID, hanging around outside her classes, shouting at her on her walk home from school saying she's slept with another guy in earshot of everyone. My friend thought it's better we know and talk to him.

I mentioned it to DS tonight, he told me it's not true and people are stirring it and he only wants to talk to her. I told him he's not entitled to talk to her if they have ended the relationship. DS2 stepped in (he's the year below) and told me that he's made fake instagrams to watch her stories without her knowing and checks it loads every day. In DS2s words "he's obsessed and creepy".
DS1 maintained this isn't true and everything's fine.

I've told DH about it and suggested he has a man to man talk, but DH says If DS says it's not true we need to believe him and have his back, even if it was true he's 18 it's not our business. AIBU thinking this isn't good enough and he should step up and have a chat? I'm ashamed of DS if he really is harassing this poor girl and not respecting boundaries.

Oh God- this is awful 😢. Let him know how disgusted you are.

It’s good your husband has now had a word, but they’re still minimising.

Keep on him until he lays off her and has some therapy to sort out his anger and lack of control.

I’m with the other posters. My kids are mid twenties yet would still discuss damaging behaviour with them-yes I leave them alone to get on with their lives but stepping in when you see something is wrong is to show love and care. He does need talking to-rationally and calmly and you and dh need to be united on this. Focus on how damaging this could be to him-it’ll turn his friends against him, possibly involve the police and destroy any chance of a friendship with this girl. I know men sometimes don’t want to get involved in what they see as emotional matters but your dh is letting his son down.

Oh gosh, sorry, read your update-yes this is serious. He needs some way of controlling his actions when upset as he has treated her appallingly. Yes, I would be looking at therapy.

Losing your first love hurts. And sometimes, you do feel as though you are going crazy.

I was ex DH first proper love. When we split up, he went on a campaign of harassment and stalking, which resulted in him getting arrested.

You need to try and understand his emotions also. He was given a bit of "false hope" by this girl, but yet it doesnt excuse the behaviour and he needs to learn to control his emotions a lot better.

They only broke up recently, so it is still likely quite raw.

Can you all as a family try to keep him busy? Organise some family days out? Have his dad take him out for the day? If money allows, maybe go away for a few days on a short holiday?

I would also be sitting him down as a woman and explaining to him how his actions and behaviour can affect women. You will know this better than your husband.

This may not be the last break up he has and he needs to learn how to handle his emotions correctly otherwise as time passes, he will become more and more dangerous.

Make sure he has the girl blocked and deleted off all SM and her number deleted, as well as off his call logs, texts etc. He needs to go NC for a while so he can heal.

Your DH sounds like a boys will be boys minimiser, perhaps therapy for him would be helpful too.

At this stage all you can do is clearly spell out the consequences for your DS if the girlfriend goes to the police as whatever he has admitted is probably much worse in reality.

I can appreciate it's hard for you to accept that your DS is behaving in this manner, so well done you for continuing to make the point to your DH and DS about just how wrong it is.

You need to nip this in the bud before it escalates.
My daughters ex was arrested for this type of behaviour after it got out of hand and he simply refused to accept that she no longer wanted to be with him.
Behaving like this is not going to make her want to be with him - it will have totally the opposite effect and if the girl decides she can no longer cope with what he is doing it could end very badly for him.

@thatsnotmyswan At least you now know it's true and your friend did you an enormous favour.

As others have said your son sounds like he needs some therapy to help him manage his emotions and his temper. Can't imagine how frightened that poor girl must have been when he physically assaulted her and not letting her out of the room.

You must be equally appalled. I hope you can get him some help as soon as possible, but he needs to understand that asking the girl not to report him to the police will only make things worse. He did assault her and giving excuses why something happened, means he is not really owning what he did.

You need to get your DH on side too as he sounds like he was trying to minimise the situation. Is this a case of like Father like son? Does your DH get physical on occasion too, if he's angry/upset? If he doesn't, you need to spell it out to your DH too, exactly how any woman would feel in that situation, because he clearly doesn't understand how bad your son's behaviour actually was/is

This is appalling and you should both be coming down on him hard. He assaulted that poor girl and verbally abused her. Get him talking, get him in therapy and teach him that women are human beings who deserve to be treated with respect for fucks sake.

He may legally be an adult but at 18 his brain is still developing and he's living at home. I see no reason why you why if you have some red flags you can't discuss it with him. I mean if you see your children at any age with red flags - is it not our role as parents to sound things out with them? Sorry but I think your hubby is being weak - its not the easy route to talk to your son about this - you have your other son contracting his story - but its the right one. I think the most important is to not accuse him or judge him - come in more as one of concern for him.

You need to be very clear with your son that there will be serious consequences if he continues with this behaviour. DS2 did something similar when he was away at university so we knew nothing about it.

The police had a chat with him but when he continued they went to arrest him and the first we heard about it he had been sectioned. He was very, very lucky that he was not charged.

Your DH needs to step up here. You don't need to accuse your son of anything..but it needs to be made clear to him that it's unacceptable to treat anyone/woman like this and not only that it could lead him in serious trouble and he should thank his lucky stars he hasn't been reported already.

He needs to be mad aware that it's wrong so he doesn't carry on or do this to another woman in the future. He's obviously upset and hurt and needs to talk to someone about it too. It's his first heart break.

Show him some love and guidance.

Definitely sounds true doesn’t it - especially with DS2s comments. I think you need to sit down with him but agree with other posters that your DH needs to step up and be involved in that conversation too. He needs to know in no uncertain terms that his behaviour is unacceptable and if he continues the girl would have every right to go to the police for harassment. He’s 18 so it’s tricky with regards to social media as he should be mature enough to use it sensibly by now but I would be letting him know that I would only be sharing my house with males that are respectful to women.

This is such an awful situation, OP you really need to get your husband on board here. It’s really quite terrifying that he, as a grown adult man with TWO sons, is minimising this as “first love can be difficult”.

I worry often about the kind of boyfriends my daughter could encounter as she grows up and I tend to think that attitudes are changing now, boys are being taught better now, but then I see posts like this and think it’s no the wonder boys are the way they are when they can lay hands on their girlfriends and their own fathers brush it off. Disgusting.

Sounds like dh can't be bothered with it .why would son2 lie?.son 1 needs to back off and leave the girl alone.

Maybe this makes me a terribly disloyal parent - but I think I’d call and speak to the school safeguarding lead and say exactly what you have said here. That you have heard second hand that your son is harassing his ex girlfriend, that you are concerned that it doesn’t escalate. They will have a code of conduct somewhere that he has probably agreed too.

If you son is struggling might he be open to a couple of counselling sessions?

behaviour like this is absolutely worth cracking down on. It’s hard to be a heartbroken teenager. It’s absolutely not ok to harass or scare people because of that.

So he's assaulted her and now is stalking her so she doesn't report it.

You need to have a serious word with the boy and tell him what he is doing is not on.

Might be better if she actually went to the police as getting a visit from them might make him change his toxic behaviours.

He REALLY needs to speak to him, how can your husband think its even acceptable. Especially saying not his business, disgusting and definitely not a good role model

He needs to leave her alone. His stalking her, shouting across to her all after he grabbed her so hard he left marks and then maybe pushed her.

This is a he learns now or he is that man who’s abusive to all his partners when they don’t act or do what he wants.

If she was my daughter we would already of created a log to hand over to the police.

This is great advice from @mumonthehill .

Your husband is right, he might need some therapy but most of all he needs to leave this girl alone in care she does report him for further harassment

He behaved badly but he was hurt, now he needs to move on ( steer well clear of the girl) and possibly get some therapy, please do not make a huge issue of this, he is aware that he did wrong

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He is your child, your responsibility. Yes he's 18 but why would you push him away when he so badly needs help, for his sake and for those he may have future relationships with.

He's owned up, yes he has given an excuse as well but that's often human nature. He's reflective and has been honest so he can be helped, please don't push him away when he so badly needs you. Also shame is not a good teacher, he knows how wrong he's being so don't beat him with that stick.

I do feel for Your ds. He’s at that age where it’s awkward and he doesn’t really understand boundaries. Tv and movies don’t help as they teach men to persist even if there’s a no.

However, he is 18 and can held legally responsible. You both as parents need to step up immediately. His ex has clearly communicated a boundary. The relationship is over. Everything else can now be considered harrasment.

i think it’s interesting hubby wants to down play and sweep under the carpet but you as a woman are livid. Think that’s speaks volumes for the world we live in. Me being me, I’d be torn whether to reach out to the girl explaining you know the disgusting behaviour your son has shown and you are beyond angry at him. I would also tell her no man should treat her this way and you are so incredibly sorry your son has.

In regards to your son, if you are paying his phone contract I’d have the phone off him. He would be expected home on the dot to the amount of time it takes to reach home. I’d look for some counselling and I’d make it clear this is not how women should be treated. I think as mum you are better dealing with his than dad who sounds like he will pat him on the back and say it’s done now. Let’s forget about it.

if this behaviour goes unchallenged you don’t need anyone to tell you the danger your son poses to women

The best solution is to present a untied front

I think you need to take the supportive approach talk it rashnally through with him
go at the angle of the trouble he will land himself in
also digital footprint and witness
not helpfully but people especially kids love a drama so I think the truth will be somewhere in the middle from his version and you have been told