How to deal with someone who seems to dislike you?

[Theponytales]

One of the school mums , my son is in the same class as her son and as far as I know they’re friends. They’re both 6 years old.

At first, during reception, there wasn’t a problem, we chatted on and off and she said it was nice our boys were playing together at school. I even messaged her during school holidays to meet up but she was on holiday. We talked at parties and gatherings, never best mates, but we were fine together.

Over the last few months, probably since Christmas, she looks at me like I’m a piece of trash/something on the bottom of her shoe.
I have repeatedly tried starting conversion with her and it’s immediately shut down , she’ll say hi, bye (if I say it first) and she will answer my questions giving one word answers and looking like she can’t wait for me to go away - no smile or anything.
Just a look of disdain.
I even messaged her and asked if her son wanted to come for a play date - she said yes he’d love to and she’d get back to me…she never did. I brought it up in person and she pretty much shut it down, just saying she hadn’t had time to sort anything yet. So I’ve given up, we’re now a couple of months on from that.

I’ve tried my best - I don’t know what else I can do. It’s making me feel really uncomfortable and I’m getting to the point where I don’t want to go to parties or anything where I know she will be as I know she’ll make it awkward for me. So I’ve been sending my DH instead.

The only possible thing I can think of is that my son had currently undiagnosed, but possible autism/adhd. We are on the waiting list for assessment, he does come across as ‘different’ but he’s not aggressive or anything like that. He just has peculiar tendencies and interests, but nothing too extreme. He can get a bit hyper at times and needs to work on his impulsivity. But it’s never in a nasty form. Just silliness.

Can anyone offer any advice? It’s really getting me down and causing me all sorts of anxiety.

Just as a side note, pretty much all the other mums (and dads) of kids in my son’s class are perfectly fine with me, I’m even friends with one of them and we meet for coffee sometimes. The all chat to me and I’ve never had an issue with them as far as I know.

I suppose you could try asking her outright if something you have said has upset her in some way, but I'm not sure I could be bothered really. I'd just downgrade the relationship to someone who you smile or nod at if you happen to walk passed them, but otherwise largely ignore. Just find other people to chat to at the school gate and birthday parties.

Not everyone has to like you.

If she's decided that she doesn't like you then there's nothing you can do. Stop trying. Just be polite when you do have to spend time together.

I do understand that but my worry is for my son and the relationship he wants to have with her son and others in the class.

She is withdrawing i would just smile and nod maybe the kids have had a fall out or something. Let it go I mean you could ask her outright would you feel comfortable doing that?

Does the mum seem fine with the other parents, or is she "off" with them, too?
Maybe she is going through some personal stuff?

Honestly just stop bothering. I'm approaching 60 years of age and I have never been able to persuade someone who doesn't like me to like me. It's on them not you.

Fucking do the same back to her.

Yours sons can still be friends in school. The only thing I would say is that - I had a very difficult daughter - when parents suddenly blanked me, I knew that our kids had fallen out.

I would just accept it and stop trying. The is a parent at my children’s school who used to be friendly but now blanks my husband and me. We just joke about it amongst ourselves now.

My father once said that around 10% of people will probably really really like you, 80% won’t have strong views other way, and 10% will dislike you for now apparent reason and due to no fault of your own. That advice has helped me.

Could she be depressed?

No, she’s fine with the other parents.
That’s the thing.

I don’t think they’ve had a falling out as they are fine together in the playground.

Stop trying. You can’t make her be friendly with you or her son play with your son.

No need to avoid social events at all. Just smile & nod and don’t engage.

😂Or maybe she's on the spectrum.

I’m not too sure why you’re quite so desperate to be friends with her really? It doesn’t matter why she’s giving you the cold shoulder but she is and you should probably just take the hint.

Why do you think it's making you so anxious? It's probably worth playing this out in your head so you can tackle the anxieties. Are you worried about being ostracised at the school gates by other parents? That's not happening so that's unfounded. Are you worried about your child being bullied? Again, that doesn't seem to be happening.

No one likes being disliked. Humans like to feel connected and liked. But we're all different and we all like/dislike others for our own personal reasons. A healthy response is maybe a bit of sad puzzlement but to jot give it headspace. It's easier said than done because humans have a hard time dealing with rejection. This is where it can be helpful to really work on why it matters if this person likes you or not. Once you realise it doesn't matter, the sting is lessened and causes less anxiety.

By far the most likely explanation though is not that she doesn't like you but that she's shutting down your attempts to build connections because right now she's not in the right place for a connection with anyone. When others seem 'off' with us, it's usually about what's going on in their own life.

Because my son keeps asking to have his friend round to play and I have no idea what to say to him.

Someone once told me that as long as I was behaving appropriately what others thought of me was none of my business. You are certain you've done nothing wrong, you can't make her like you. By the sounds of things she is polite when she needs to be, but doesn't engage. So do the same.

Also op, I’d try and toughen up a bit tbh.

Children - and sometimes parents - falling out is common in primary school. it’s unpleasant but just how it is. It’s not personal to you and you’ve no reason to feel awkward at all.

Well unless you speak to her you won't know. Maybe even if you speak to her she will just fob you off and shut down the conversation again. Carry on inviting other friends for playdates and if your son gets hung up on this boy, you will just have to tell him that you have asked and are waiting for his Mum to get back to you. They are only 6 anyway, they can still be friends in schools and in the coming years can have more influence themselves over who they see as they gain more independence.

I guess I’m sad for my son and if she’s putting a wedge between his friendship with her son. Making him an issue or problem in a way.

Also I’ve got to continue to see her for at least 5
more years , maybe longer if they end up at secondary together.

The best way of dealing with this is to first of all get your head straight that you aren't bothered about a friendship with her.

Then, every time you see her, you smile warmly, do the "hello! How are you!" loudly and with warmth BUT without breaking stride.

Always talk to her in a friendly manner but don't actually allow for any conversation.

You will look lovely to anyone watching and she will look a bitch. And you can say if anyone asks "I don't know, she just doesn't seem to like me" with a puzzled look.

Take it from me, it works brilliantly.

That’s a shame for your son but dealing with rejection is part of life for children too sadly.

I think you can say the friend is not free at the moment and focus on the children who do want to play with your DS. We can’t make friendships and relationships work by chasing people.

There’s nothing quite like school gates to make a parent feel anxious:-) Even the ones who seem really socially confident won’t necessarily be so.

The only thing you can do is to stop giving this parent headspace. As you say, the other parents are fine with you. It’s something to do with her not you so don’t feel obliged to be the one to fix this.

If possible, just be breezy but stop trying to engage her in conversation. Do the same at parties, just move on and chat to someone else. I know it’s easier said than done (never been a fan of school gates etiquette) but at the moment you might be investing more power in her than she has in reality. The truth is she’s just not that important so try to shrug her off.

Stop overthinking it! Whatever reason she has for not wanting to be friendly is her perogative. Smile, say hi and walk on!
Just tell your son that you asked but he can’t come.

And cruel as it sounds if she doesn’t want her son to play with your son that is her choice. They can play at school.
My son had a best friend in reception and p1. He wasn’t a particularly nice child ( he attempted to kick me once as I got him out of my car), perhaps your child has done something similar and she doesn’t want to tell you. I never told the mum but did stop inviting said child out

I had one a bit like this. DC got on fine at school. She wasn't the most outgoing person but used to stop and chat.
Tried to attend a playdate and got and airy "I'll have to check"
Then she started avoiding me. I'd always smile and say hello but there were times when she'd pretty much cross the road and blank me.
I gave up asking for playdates after chasing it up twice.
DC drifted apart.
I heard from another friend that she and her DC got the same treatment.
The woman's child did go on other playdates, so it wasn't a case of not being allowed.

I still see her from time to time. Last time she stopped and spoke to me (DCs now at different schools).
Never did find out what the problem was.

Why on earth would you need to see her when they are in secondary school