How to deal with someone who seems to dislike you?

[Theponytales]

One of the school mums , my son is in the same class as her son and as far as I know they’re friends. They’re both 6 years old.

At first, during reception, there wasn’t a problem, we chatted on and off and she said it was nice our boys were playing together at school. I even messaged her during school holidays to meet up but she was on holiday. We talked at parties and gatherings, never best mates, but we were fine together.

Over the last few months, probably since Christmas, she looks at me like I’m a piece of trash/something on the bottom of her shoe.
I have repeatedly tried starting conversion with her and it’s immediately shut down , she’ll say hi, bye (if I say it first) and she will answer my questions giving one word answers and looking like she can’t wait for me to go away - no smile or anything.
Just a look of disdain.
I even messaged her and asked if her son wanted to come for a play date - she said yes he’d love to and she’d get back to me…she never did. I brought it up in person and she pretty much shut it down, just saying she hadn’t had time to sort anything yet. So I’ve given up, we’re now a couple of months on from that.

I’ve tried my best - I don’t know what else I can do. It’s making me feel really uncomfortable and I’m getting to the point where I don’t want to go to parties or anything where I know she will be as I know she’ll make it awkward for me. So I’ve been sending my DH instead.

The only possible thing I can think of is that my son had currently undiagnosed, but possible autism/adhd. We are on the waiting list for assessment, he does come across as ‘different’ but he’s not aggressive or anything like that. He just has peculiar tendencies and interests, but nothing too extreme. He can get a bit hyper at times and needs to work on his impulsivity. But it’s never in a nasty form. Just silliness.

Can anyone offer any advice? It’s really getting me down and causing me all sorts of anxiety.

Just as a side note, pretty much all the other mums (and dads) of kids in my son’s class are perfectly fine with me, I’m even friends with one of them and we meet for coffee sometimes. The all chat to me and I’ve never had an issue with them as far as I know.

Sorry OP I suspect her son has told her that he doesn't want to be friends with your DC, so she is trying to keep her distance and not get into an awkward situation where you keep asking her for play dates.

She sounds rather inadequate socially, so don't worry about her. Many people seem to have no basic manners, their loss. Feel sorry for her if she doesn't know how to behave like an adult.

You could have one last try along the lines of "Hi, my son asks me fairly often about your son coming to our house to play date which is why I contact you. Would you mind just clarifying if you don't want us to invite him any more? I will then explain to my son if it's a no. Atm we don't know where we stand with this."

Or maybe there's more to it and there's a reason why she's cooling the contact? People rarely just stop talking to someone for no reason whatsoever when they have previously been friendly. There's 2 sides to every story.

Why are you bothered? Who is she really? Why are you bothered if she likes you or not?
Stop making an effort. Is she says hi say hi but leave it.
If you know you've never been rude to her or anything then just accept that she just probably doesn't like you.
Lots of people don't like me but those people don't get a second thought in my head. And she shouldn't in yours

"Or maybe there's more to it and there's a reason why she's cooling the contact? People rarely just stop talking to someone for no reason whatsoever when they have previously been friendly. There's 2 sides to every story."

Well yes but we can only comment on what OP has told us, there is no other side in this OP. If we behave as if otherwise we make Mumsnet an unpleasant forum where embittered posters bust a gut to read between the lines, extrapolate in a negative way, or just plain pile on to someone for no apparent reason. Oh, wait ...

Discrimination is a huge thing. Yes she could be depressed / ND / have things going on. But sadly its more likely that she is a cowbag who doesn't want her son becoming close friends with someone 'different',, and his different traits have become more obvious to her as he has got older, so she is avoiding him. Unfortunately she is unlikely to be the last person to do this. So stop trying to get her to like you, and be glad you don't have to spend any more time with a judgemental bitch, and organise some other playdates for your son

I’m still dealing with this and it’s making me feel so down 😭

Her son and my son are definitely friends and he always calls out to my DS before school. And I know they play together as I see them.

You need to organise play dates with other children and gently steer him towards friendships with these other children.

It's would be very painful for your DS to try to have a friendship with a child whose parents don't want it to happen, he will be excluded from too many things.

You can't do anything about it though. Keep things light, so if she is going through some sort of an issue, the door is still open. But ultimately, she can take against you because she she doesn't like your politics or the colour of your shoes. Nothing you can do about it

This is very good advice, in my opinion.
I hope you find some kinder mum friends.

The problem is it’s a very small class and the boys are all good friends. So steering him on the direction of other children doesn’t really work. Plus she’s the ‘admin’ on the class WhatsApp group and posts regular reminders, updates etc for people. So no way to avoid.

As long as you're being included in the class group she's not necessarily doing anything wrong. It's strange and annoying for you to be sure, but she doesn't owe you playdates or friendliness.

There's a lady at work who doesn't like me. I am polite, I join in conversations but I also avoid her if I can. She doesn't have to like me but she was verging on bullying last year which was unnecessary

I would not try to seek her out anymore. Just smile and nod but don’t engage or try and win her around.
Leave the boys to manage their own friendship.
In time she may realise that she has misjudged the situation in some way.
I would try not to dwell on the situation with this other mum, you are going to make yourself very miserable. It’s a situation over which you have no control.
Try not to pass your worries about this woman on to your son.
If he asks for play dates just tell him the other boy’s mum is too busy.
I hope things work out for you.

I don’t “deal” with people who don’t like me, I ignore them and crack on. As for your son’s play dates, “Sorry sweetheart, I’ve tried to organise for your friend to come over a few times but his mum isn’t responding. I guess he’s not allowed. Is there another friend you’d like to invite?”

To be perfectly honest she is probably feeling you are being too intense like you are coming across

Just leave her alone, coming up with lots of 'yeah but this and that' is not healthy just leave her alone

So you’ll have minimal contact with her for reminders and updates. It’s great that the boys are all good friends, that means he has a few choices of others to invite over whose parents will likely to happy to arrange with you 👍🏻

Is there a reason that you can't just tackle this politely?

"Hey Sheryl, do you have a moment? Oh good, thanks. I know I've already before about organising a play date for the boys and Son is keeping at me for one! I may well be wrong, but when I asked in the past I've gotten the feeling you might not be keen. I was wondering if perhaps I've accidentally done something to upset you, as there doesn't seem to be any issue between the boys? I'd hate to think I'd inadvertently done something to get in the way of their friendship."

Be civil to her, your son can still hang out with his friend at school

Not everyone's going to like you or him and that's OK - you can be the juiciest sweetest peach in the world but some people just don't like peaches

As a mum of autistic kids…..some parents just don’t want their kids playing with yours.

They behave as though the autism might be contagious.

i’ve actually caught one mum (who was friendly to us before she knew) saying that she doesn’t want her kid “picking up those behaviours” from my eldest. The behaviours are things like spinning on the spot when he’s excited, nothing dangerous, just makes him look “different”.

It sucks. But it is what it is, and you won’t change her. Are you in any SEN parenting support groups? That can be a lifeline.

My first thought was that as your son sounds so very fond of her son, maybe he's being a bit clingy with him, trying to play with him all the time and her son has said he doesn't like it. Possibly the way he has described it to his mum makes it sound more malicious or extreme than it actually is. I used to be a teaching assistant and I have seen this situation arise a few times - a child in tears saying something like "Olivia wants to play with me all the time, she won't let me play with anyone else!" They sometimes describe it as bullying. It's not a form of bullying, usually the "Olivia" in the situation is either on the spectrum, a bit immature for their age or has had a difficult life and just doesn't understand how the other person feels.

But if this is the issue, the mum has handled it in a very peculiar and unhelpful way. She could have come to you and explained what the problem seemed to be so that you could work together to help your son understand.

I would try talking to her, but start with something like "can I talk to you please?" so she knows you have something specific to discuss and it's not just a polite hello - it will then be more difficult for her to ignore you, especially if there are others around. Do you think one of the parents you do get on with would stay with you for moral support?

It's true that not everyone has to like you, but this is not really about you if it's affecting your son's happiness too, when he's too young and/or autistic to really understand.

The boys don’t have to play after school to be friends.

maybe her son has lots of activities after school cubs, swimming etc or simply doesn’t feel the need to see your son even more. If he does he’ll invite him and she’ll probably go along with it.

not everyone at school has to be besties all hanging out and that includes the parents - focus on the parents who do enjoy your company

OP isn’t wanting to be friends with her for her own sake, their kids are friends and she would like that friendship to continue so you need the other Mum on side.

As crap as it is OP, I would just leave her to it. It’s rubbish about not being able to organise play dates if she’s ignoring you etc… but sadly it’s one of those things. It will be crap for her own DS too as he’s missing out.

People are strange. My DS best friends Mum is lovely but she’s so flakey that I literally don’t ever ask her to meet anymore, because she’ll be full of yeah let’s bla bla but then cancel and it’s not fair on the kids so I don’t ask now. I feel a bit sad the boys haven’t been able to see each other more out of school but some people don’t seem to view it as important.

Great post. OP, what would be a positive outcome for you? If it's that you want this woman to like you, then that isn't something you can control. Stop fixating on her. You've said your son is friends with hers. That's nice. That should be enough for you. Just make sure that you help your son make lots of different friends at school. You don't need this woman in your life, and your kids can still be friends without having play dates after school.