How to deal with someone who seems to dislike you?

[Theponytales]

One of the school mums , my son is in the same class as her son and as far as I know they’re friends. They’re both 6 years old.

At first, during reception, there wasn’t a problem, we chatted on and off and she said it was nice our boys were playing together at school. I even messaged her during school holidays to meet up but she was on holiday. We talked at parties and gatherings, never best mates, but we were fine together.

Over the last few months, probably since Christmas, she looks at me like I’m a piece of trash/something on the bottom of her shoe.
I have repeatedly tried starting conversion with her and it’s immediately shut down , she’ll say hi, bye (if I say it first) and she will answer my questions giving one word answers and looking like she can’t wait for me to go away - no smile or anything.
Just a look of disdain.
I even messaged her and asked if her son wanted to come for a play date - she said yes he’d love to and she’d get back to me…she never did. I brought it up in person and she pretty much shut it down, just saying she hadn’t had time to sort anything yet. So I’ve given up, we’re now a couple of months on from that.

I’ve tried my best - I don’t know what else I can do. It’s making me feel really uncomfortable and I’m getting to the point where I don’t want to go to parties or anything where I know she will be as I know she’ll make it awkward for me. So I’ve been sending my DH instead.

The only possible thing I can think of is that my son had currently undiagnosed, but possible autism/adhd. We are on the waiting list for assessment, he does come across as ‘different’ but he’s not aggressive or anything like that. He just has peculiar tendencies and interests, but nothing too extreme. He can get a bit hyper at times and needs to work on his impulsivity. But it’s never in a nasty form. Just silliness.

Can anyone offer any advice? It’s really getting me down and causing me all sorts of anxiety.

Just as a side note, pretty much all the other mums (and dads) of kids in my son’s class are perfectly fine with me, I’m even friends with one of them and we meet for coffee sometimes. The all chat to me and I’ve never had an issue with them as far as I know.

I suppose I feel offended like it’s something I’ve done or that my son’s done which makes me feel really sad for him. As he isn’t a nasty child and I know every parent would say that but he really isn’t.

Some people just aren't into playdates - the kids are at school together 5 days a week, and at aged 6 a lot of school time is still play-based, so there isn't really a need to have playdates to help your DS maintain his friendships.

Maybe the other mother doesn't want to get caught up in the reciprocity of a playdate situation; and perhaps she feels you've asked one too many times without taking her hints, so she has now filed you under too needy, and must avoid.

I've been in this situation op and tried everything to get a group of mums to accept me but I've come to learn after a lot of soul searching, (yoga teaching and psychology course) that my need to be accepted came from a lack of self worth. I mean this in the kindest and gentlest of ways but these attempts to be nice and kind to this woman and offering play dates etc, even though she isn't treating you well, is known as fawning. This can be a trauma response- shes making you feel uncomfortable and unaccepted so you are trying to win her affection with kindness to ease this feeling and keep yourself feeling safe. You don't want to be friends with this person really. Why do you want to be friends with someone who happily treats you like this? You sound like a wonderful and lovely person. Keep your head up high and try not to avoid the places she will be at anymore. Keep being you and the people that are worth it and aligned to your values will find you. It really is her loss, not yours.

I think I would be direct - but I’m an Aussie, not English. I would say something like “Look… Our kids are friends and want to hang out. I don’t care if you don’t like me, but I want our kids to be happy. Are we going to have a play date or shall I tell them the truth?”

I think you’re right, a lot of it comes from self worth, I hate the thought that I’m disliked even though I shouldn’t necessarily care. It’s think it makes me feel worse that my son is involved too. I don’t like the idea that he’s disliked by anyone, particularly an adult.

It just hurts as she’s not being like this with anybody else, just me, as far as I can tell. Our sons were at nursery together too, so I’ve known her for a while and my son has always talked of hers fondly.

@Fraaahnces I wish I could be like that, but alas, I never will be that person sadly.

@Theponytales I had this with my child's best friends parent.
I just tell my child the sort of truth that's their mum hasn't given any days or dates we could make it work.
I could not care less why they have an issue with me.
They spend all day together and it makes my life easier not to have awkward play dates.

I think this is a situation you won’t be able to resolve. She doesn’t want to host your son (or you to host hers), and you are if no use to her as a mum friend as she likely doesn’t view her son’s friendship with your son as a good thing.
Just pursue play dates with other mums, ignore her (don’t try with her any more) and accept that the boys will be friends in school only.
It’s sad that life is like this for neurodiverse children and their parents. Just do your best to nurture relationships with kind children and sympathetic parents.

Just ignore her and leave it. You could ask her what the problem is but that might be awkward and she might say something you don't want to hear. My experience of the school run is that people can be flaky and friendships can be circumstantial ( kids are friends, in same class etc) and short lived. On the other side of it, I've drifted from a school mum friend and have cooled the friendship for various reasons that she may or may not be aware of. There's nothing you can do when someone isn't interested in being friendly anymore.

Happens to me a lot. I used to care, it used to really hurt.

Now I don’t give a shit. I have zero time for anyone who makes me feel even a tiny bit uncomfortable and i certainly have learnt it’s not worth wasting any energy on someone like that.

Sounds odd. It’s probably something in her life and has absolutely nothing to do with you. It can feel unsettling when people just drop you out of the blue but it happens sometimes and we just have to move on. It shouldn’t cause great anxiety.

You haven't really any need to see her except in passing. You've done nothing wrong. If your child was bullying hers or others surely it would be picked up in school? If you're concerned about how's he interacts with other kids in general you could speak to the teacher.
If your child still asks for a playdate with hers, just say lets go to the park directly after school for an hour? Or offer to take them both to the park as she might have untold other issues you don't know about. I wouldn't lament the loss of her as a friend as she never was one.

Zero mention of bullying or anything like it at parents evening recently. I’m assuming it would have come up it something serious?

I've experienced this once or twice. Its an awful feeling. Designed to unsettle you i think. Somebody just seems to dislike you for no reason, it makes you wither and withdraw, and they feel more charismatic in contrast.

Im sure there have been numerous people who aren't bowled over by me, but what is strange when people cannot hide it!! There's a woman at work who has been like ice to me! What gets into people I wonder 🤔😐

I've had this as I don't wear designer clothes and don't fit the image a few of the mums want.. normal primary school. I gone for limited polite hello of I pass them and found my own tribe to stand with. .working so far...I'm there to pick up dd not make life long friends

I had a very similar situation a few years ago. It really upset me at the time but when I really thought about it she was/is a bully. Once I came to this realisation I stopped trying and felt better.

Thankfully my DD and hers are heading to secondary so I'll never have to encounter her again. I was just polite to her but kept it bright and breezy and invited her DD to my DDs parties but didn't bother with the playdates. There were plenty of other classmates that had nice mothers so I concentrated on them.

This. It's really not that deep.

@Fraaahnces English people can't speak like that 😂

Perhaps her son doesn't like yours or doesn't like play dates. She may feel awkward herself and knows that you're going to bring up the play date so she is abrupt to avoid that.

I've had situations where my son has been invited to a child's house and he categorically does not want to go (no real reason, just doesn't gel with the kid). I've had to find ways to avoid going that will not hurt the child's feelings.

You may be thinking too much into this.

If it is the worst case scenario that she doesn't like you then there isn't much you can do about that. You will have to tell your ds that they are too busy to do a playdate or some other excuse.

@Theponytales Could you emphasise to her that your son really would like to spend time with his friend? Try once more but if she has decided for whatever reason that she doesn't want her DC mixing with your DC then there's nothing else you can do. Some parents make these sort of decisions based on their own prejudices and with little thought to the potential consequences.

I have told my son they’re too busy but he’s noticed that said boy has been to another child’s house for a play date and why he can’t come to ours. It’s really tricky and I don’t know how to approach it without upsetting him.

I really do think it’s because of the suspected autism , I can’t think of anything else.

PS I've had similar before with a friend who I lost touch with then she started blanking me. I eventually texted her and asked outright if I had done something wrong, and if I had I was sorry. She replied to say that no I hadn't and we should get together soon. She then kept avoiding me every time I saw her so I just thought fuck this and I've never seen her again. (I did move away though which helped!)

Just tell your kid the truth - you've asked the mum and she's not replied 🤷‍♀️
Yes he will struggle with this but there's not much more you can do - you and he will both have to accept that this is the way it is.

Encourage friendships with other children.

I had this to the point where she blanked me when I said hi… it was utterly strange, I wasn’t trying really hard to speak to her, just a cheery hello I give to all the parents. I blank her now.

I’m sorry but if she’s like that theres no way you can foster the relationship, if they are mates they will continue to get on with each other at school.