How to deal with someone who seems to dislike you?

[Theponytales]

One of the school mums , my son is in the same class as her son and as far as I know they’re friends. They’re both 6 years old.

At first, during reception, there wasn’t a problem, we chatted on and off and she said it was nice our boys were playing together at school. I even messaged her during school holidays to meet up but she was on holiday. We talked at parties and gatherings, never best mates, but we were fine together.

Over the last few months, probably since Christmas, she looks at me like I’m a piece of trash/something on the bottom of her shoe.
I have repeatedly tried starting conversion with her and it’s immediately shut down , she’ll say hi, bye (if I say it first) and she will answer my questions giving one word answers and looking like she can’t wait for me to go away - no smile or anything.
Just a look of disdain.
I even messaged her and asked if her son wanted to come for a play date - she said yes he’d love to and she’d get back to me…she never did. I brought it up in person and she pretty much shut it down, just saying she hadn’t had time to sort anything yet. So I’ve given up, we’re now a couple of months on from that.

I’ve tried my best - I don’t know what else I can do. It’s making me feel really uncomfortable and I’m getting to the point where I don’t want to go to parties or anything where I know she will be as I know she’ll make it awkward for me. So I’ve been sending my DH instead.

The only possible thing I can think of is that my son had currently undiagnosed, but possible autism/adhd. We are on the waiting list for assessment, he does come across as ‘different’ but he’s not aggressive or anything like that. He just has peculiar tendencies and interests, but nothing too extreme. He can get a bit hyper at times and needs to work on his impulsivity. But it’s never in a nasty form. Just silliness.

Can anyone offer any advice? It’s really getting me down and causing me all sorts of anxiety.

Just as a side note, pretty much all the other mums (and dads) of kids in my son’s class are perfectly fine with me, I’m even friends with one of them and we meet for coffee sometimes. The all chat to me and I’ve never had an issue with them as far as I know.

@ConsuelaHammock nailed it

OP, you can choose to be upset by this, or choose to shrug it off. The kids can play together at school

I would just leave it, it could be something or nothing don't message her or try and arrange play dates let the boys play at school that's maybe enough for them.

Just think of it as her problem. You've done nothing wrong. Treat her the same. Don't waste emotional energy on her. clearly she's a bitch

I do sympathise OP, it's a horrible feeling. I've had this happen to me before and as someone pointed out upthread, I had a fawn response where I tried so hard to be nice and gain their approval, even though they were vile to me. If this were to happen again ( most probably, because horrible people are part of life) , I'd like to think I wouldn't give them a second thought and blank them in return. They're clearly never going to like you even though you haven't " done anything " to warrant such a reaction, so don't give them the satisfaction of letting them know you're rattled or worse, try to get on their good side. It won't work and will make your shaky self worth even lower.

Nobody has to like you though I'm not trying to be mean or anything, sometimes personalities don't mix well, she is being pleasant and civil but she doesn't have to be.friends with you, the boys as far as you know play fine at school that really Is enough, don't fixate on this woman.

I half wondered if this was about me or if i was you posting for a second. There is a school mum ive slightly distanced myself from because she is quite a serious person who is also quite critical whereas im quite jokey and she comes across like she doesnt like me because she has turned down my offers to pick up her child (on the class whatsapp) and her child is pretty mean to mine.
I have to keep reminding myself they aren't friends (yet) we are just mums whose kids are in the same class, although as a group we are all friendly and helpful to each other.
just breezily say hello/goodbye and go on your way.

Does the woman know about the suspected autism? Do you think she could have a problem with it? My DS has autism and in reception , year1 all ok with school mums, but by year 2 the difference with DS and his peers was far more noticeable. By year 3 the invites dried up.

I think it may be the autism and although you may think everything is lovely between your son and his friend... it may not actually be the case. My son has ASD and he could be a bit overbearing with his friends. I didn't know until the teacher told me.

Some parents are more relaxed about a school friend having Asd. Some aren't and don't view the friendship positively- and to be fair, it can put a lot of pressure on the kids.

I would give up with this mum, and try to cultivate wider friendships for him.

@Theponytales

You need to stop caring 🙄 about whether she likes you or not

Just be polite indifference when you see out and about in children's parties 🥳 or elsewhere,
Treat her like a random acquaintance that you just happen to come across occasionally,
The end of the day,
before you know it your child will make other friend too or just grow up and you will wonder why you give this person headspace at all,

Treat her as if she is insignificant to you,
which she should be and will be sooner or later in the future,

Fake it until you really feel that way,

That’s super shitty of those parents.

Typo omission i ment to say friends *

Is she on your socials?

Learning not to give a fuck transformed my life after spending most of it miserable due to my difficulty with others and the way I attracted bullying everywhere I went.

It got easier once I was diagnosed as being autistic and realised it wasn't just down to me being a piece of shit.

I now have a zero-tolerance approach to wankers and it's very freeing.

(X)df has started giving me one word answers and turning her back on me. Have decided its her problem not mine and I won't be giving her any more opportunities to be rude

She's probably worried about the autism/adhd and only wanting her son to befriend the neurotypical children. She doesn't sound good friend material - I'd give her a wide berth and continue being friendly with the nice mums.

I bet you wish you could tell your son that you’ve asked his mum and she hasn’t given you an answer. “What does Ben say about it, Sweetie?” (Don’t do this… you don’t want “Ben” actually enlightening him…”

Maybe she's a working mum, or got lots of other things on her plate and doesn't want to get on the merry go round of play dates.
I'm a working mum and doing play dates for other people's children to return the favour, was a real chore. Thankfully that's a while ago for me now.

@Theponytales

People can act a bit weird standoffish for all sorts of reasons,
It could be that there is something about yourself that ,
remind's her of someone she has a difficult problematic relationship with or friendship in the past or present,

It could be cause she is feeling insecurities about herself, such as she percieves you as being socially more accomplished achieved more in life than herself or you are more acctractive or interesting or intelligent to know
than herself feels threatened by you,
It could be mental health issues she suffers with,😕
It could be cause she is snobbery type of person and thinks she is better than you etc ect,

People can be weird at times,
i think 🤔 this is susprisly common thing to come across in life,

It could be the local gossip, has said something mean about you ,
made up lies and she believes them,

Ask her?. You don't have to he confrontational. Just maybe say ' have I done something to upset you' ? If you don't ask you will never know OP.

Couldn't you just more or less ignore her, as she does you? Say hi, / bye if necessary and not make any further effort or give it unnecessary headspace.

Not everyone has to like us. Not everyone has to like our children. However lovely we may be.

We won’t always know why.

It’s just life. We have to let it go.

But her son isn't obliged to be close friends with your son if he doesn't want to.

My guess is that her son just doesn't really click with your son beyond sometimes playing together at school. And that is fine. I appreciate that your son feels they're friends, but ultimately, not everyone in the class is going to be his best pal. Perhaps the other boy has told his mum he doesn't really want your son to come over and play, and the mum just feels awkward about that. Or perhaps what you see as 'silliness and impulsivity' might be seen by this other mum/her son as bad behaviour, or exhausting/stressful to be around. Again, that's fine - we're all different and we all respond differently to people, behaviours and situations. Maybe when she didn't get back to you about a possible playdate, she was hoping you'd take that as a hint and then felt a bit cornered when you asked her why she hadn't been in touch?

Just because two kids are in the same class (or two women have kids the same age) that doesn't automatically mean they'll have much in common or that their personalities will gel. I think you're overthinking this a bit. As you say, you get on fine with other people, so I doubt it's anything in particular you've done. There's no need to feel awkward - just stick to saying a polite 'Hi' rather than instigating chats.

Does your son have other friends at school? Does he play OK with other kids in general? If he seems happy generally, I don't think you need to worry about this one kid and his mum.

All of this sadly comes with the territory of having primary school aged children. I’ve had it with a few where our respective children have genuinely been matey and wanting play dates but the mum has blocked it for whatever reason. It’s annoying and can hurt your feelings a bit, but there’s not much to do but shrug it off for your child and yourself. It’s sometimes hard to do but you just have to try and not take it personally and just get on with your life and remain friendly at the school gates and on the party circuit! I do wonder how some of these mums will be when their kids get to secondary and they can’t control who they see out of school!

This is really sensible advice, but sadly in the real world it never works. No one will ever own up to having a problem with you, at best they'll brush it off and deny anything is wrong or at worst, you'll be denoted as a weakling who is easy to upset. Believe me, as adults, we should be able to have these types of conversation but ime it only makes things worse.

Have you considered that the issue is about your own neurodivergence? You’re having an extreme reaction because you haven’t clicked with a mum. It classic rejection sensitivity dysphoria, which is an often a key part of having ADHD.