To have been angry at this question from a stranger

[Whowhatwherewhenwhy1]

Was in a shop buying shoes with youngest child when a random lady came over and said how pretty dd was and what lovely shoes she had chosen. She then said “Is she your only child? To which I said no actually we have six children. She asked what age and I said she was the youngest at 7 and the oldest child is now 30. The lady then said “Oh my you have been busy. Do they all have the same father?”
Was aibu to think this was a bloody rude question to ask a total stranger? (The answer is yes they do all have the same father).

I wasn't suggesting it was offensive. I said it was intrusive.
I didn't suggest that the person might be curious about OP's other children. I have a friend who has a significant age gap between her children. When I was getting to know her I didn't ask her whether they had the same father. That's up to her to tell me if she wants to.

I also didn't suggest that the question was insulting.

I suggested that it was not a complete stranger's business. On a first encounter with anyone, in any situation it is unnecessary to ask. Even if curiosity is burning within you.

I maintain that it's perfectly easy to make conversation or small talk without delving into personal questions. I've managed perfectly well to do so for my entire life.

Generally what I do when I'm out and about is mind my own business other than to perhaps tell someone that I like their shoes/hair that their child is behaving beautifully, etc.

It's just downright rude to ask such a personal question to a stranger (or anyone)!

@Devonshiregal

But so many people have kids by more than one person. Is it offensive to be thought of as one of these people? Surely it would be rude, also, to assume the kids all had the same dad as that’s making that “default” option.

She didn't say it was offensive.

She said it was 'rude / intrusive / unnecessary'.

Do you not think it was rude, intrusive and unnecessary to ask a complete stranger who fathered their children? Let alone in front of the children?

Yes, it was very rude but it doesn't sound like she meant it to be - just has poor social skills and boundaries. Probably pisses off several people a day...

I wouldn't have given her all the information you did as the warning signs were there before she even asked you that question.

I wouldn't have given so much detail to her in the first place -! Is she your only child? No she's got siblings.

That's it.

I probably would think wow if I had the info that one 'child' was 30 and another 7. Maybe she had ADHD and literally couldn't help herself asking!! Don't be so quick to give out information that's against the norm and then you might not get rude questions by people blurting shit out!

I would not ask someone this and agree it feels intrusive. But objectively it shouldn’t be maybe? If you think about it, if it isn’t a ‘problem’, why would it matter? Iyswim

It's a "problem" because it's a complete stranger. It's a "problem" because it's a personal question.

I wouldn't go up to someone in the street who was carrying a bag of shopping and start asking them what they were having for their tea, who was coming to tea, and how old they were.
I wouldn't go up to someone with a baby and ask them if it was a boy or a girl and then ask if they were still with the other parent.
I wouldn't go up to someone randomly and ask them what brand of toothpaste or sanitary towels they used.
All personal questions.

I'd happily talk to someone about their coat, or the weather, or what was on TV last night, or that patch of flowers over there, or any one of a hundred other things that are a perfectly easy conversation topic with a stranger.

Of course it’s bloody rude !

@Devonshiregal

I would not ask someone this and agree it feels intrusive. But objectively it shouldn’t be maybe? If you think about it, if it isn’t a ‘problem’, why would it matter? Iyswim

... because it's intrusive.

That's objectively reason enough not to ask 🤷🏻‍♀️

I'm adopted. I attach no negative feelings to being adopted. I still found it rude and annoying as a child when people who knew I was adopted would say to my mum (in front of me) 'ooh she still looks like you though, doesn't she!' not because I have negative feelings about being adopted but because it feels uncomfortable when people overstep boundaries and say intrusive, inappropriate things.

Wanting to know of the OP has multiple children with different men is not just making conversation.

I think some people just dont have a filter TBH.Its well cheeky .

I know it's a "rude" question, but somehow, I just don't think I would have been offended, or angry if asked this. She sounds a bit lonely.

Same. Why engage with random personal questions? Especially if you find them rude.

Yeah, that's bloody rude. How about her saying, "Gosh, how lovely to have a big family". (Although, she could have topped it up with "Are you on benefits?" 🙄)

I've got 5 children. When I tell people that, and how old they are, I mostly get a surprised 'You look too young/slim' (the implication being that, if you've had 5 or more children, you must be in a right state)!

Rarely, I get a negative comment (usually from a man) implying that I must have been having sex non-stop in my life.

It's a weird thing to ask a stranger and weirder still to ask it in front of your daughter. It's basically saying "how many people have you shagged?" and nobody wants to hear their parent answering that question!

I'm one of 5 and have had this asked to me from time to time throughout my life. It is rude. Especially when it's an adult asking a child this question.
A teacher once told me that adopted or step siblings "didn't count." Which would have been bloody awful if any of us were actually adopted or had different fathers.

She was just making conversation .
I had 3 in 3 years and was asked the same question more than once

Why does the conversation need to be made? Why interrupt a mother and daughter who are quite happily choosing shoes together in the first place?

People often assume my oldest son is my youngest sons dad (he's only 12 years older than him). Also People assume my oldest has a different dad to my youngest because he looks about 25 and my youngest is 5. Silly really

One to keep for next time:

Nope, like a mantis I kill and eat males after mating.

Honestly? It’s weird to get “angry” at this. In fact I think there is some internalised misogyny going on at the idea that having more than one father for your children is something to be ashamed of in the first place.
When a stranger starts a conversation with you it becomes a transaction, which you can opt out of if you want. Or have no obligation to enter into or indeed answer honestly. So if someone starts asking personal questions you can choose not to respond or to change the subject or whatever. But some people are just interested and the offence taken says more about your own insecurities and biases than anything else.

Unless it’s an out and out racist or offensive comment…

I would have found a stranger asking me whether my children had the same father, especially in front of my child, very offensive. I don't mind polite chit chat, there are a lot of lonely people out there and it costs nothing to be friendly, but she deserved to have been told that it was none of her business.

Love this!

That is brilliant! He thought it was a one night stand after the Christmas party, then?!

Get a quick answer back - no they all have different dads, get more maintenance that way- then smile and walk off