To think that he should pay more rent?

[FairPlayer]

Hi all, my partner and I are planning to move in together soon. (Currently living at my parents together until we've found somewhere) Currently I pay rent to my parents so he Is effectively living rent free whilst he sorts out his finances. I'm okay with this for now. What I'm concerned about is that he has 3 children so obviously we would need to find a 2 or even 3 bedroom house so that they can stay as both him and his ex wife want it to be 50/50 custody.
I'm more than happy for this to be the case but don't feel that it's fair that we split the rent equally between us. If he didn't have children we would be looking at getting a 1 bedroom flat and it would cost 300 less a month.

He earns 10k a year more than I do but has a lot more financial commitments than me. Child maintenance (private arrangement and not through cms) being the biggest chunk leaving his account every month. (Ex wife unwilling for this to be reduced even when children are with us 50/50 which I guess is another issue)

I don't have children so I'm not sure if I'm being reasonable in my thinking and want some opinions please.

Ivcould move in with someone and have children with them, without proof that they could finance themselves independently.

If he can't manage to do that, where will you end up when you're on maternity leave?

You will carry all financial responsibility.

You are ignoring the warning signs.

I’d be tempted to tell him living with your parents isn’t working. Let him be independent and stand on his own two feet and get set up for him and his kids. Without you supporting him see if he sticks around? My suspicion would be that he will start looking around quickly for someone else - and whilst that might hurt it will show you exactly what you are to this man.

You have a joint savings account with this person ? That needs to stop right now. Keep your money separate. Think twice , or maybe even 3 times about moving in with him

OP. Don’t move in with this guy. Big mistake. Huge.

No.

That's it

No

The op does not like the excellent advice she has been given on here.

I believe she will go full steam ahead now against the advice of everybody on this forum, and will then name change and come back in a few weeks asking us for advice on how to get herself out of the huge hole she has dug for herself.

It's not just the financial arrangement but the wifework I would be concerned with. You are going to be caring for 3 children which will not be a walk in the park! Is dp going to expect you to be the main carer? Cooking, cleaning, laundry for everyone? What about school runs, taking time off when they're sick, school holidays, etc. That's without thinking about having your own baby.

You are 1 person. They are 4 people. They will take up 2 1/2 rooms and you will share a room. While it's nice to be a partner I think 50:50 is taking advantage. I reckon 30:70 is more than fair.

He needs to go through CMS. If he has kids half the time he should not have to pay any maintenance to his ex because he should then provide clothes and food, utilities for DC when they are with him. He should go halves with ex to pay for their school uniforms, shoes, trainers and pay for school lunches and activities on days he has DC. What his ex expects is not necessarily what she should get.

So you will have the dc the same amount of time as their mother does. You will be expected to pay towards housing them even though they are not your responsibility whilst their Mother receives maintenance. I would not be agreeing to this and I would only move in if the maintenance stops and that money is used to pay the extra rent for the dc's rooms.

How can he have the cheek to not give your parents anything as I would be mortified if I was in his shoes. If he has the kids equal time in the future then the money he gives her should be reduced.
If I were you I would get your own place until he is financially a bit more secure and it will be a big shock to have 3 children half the time.
The romance will soon go when there is money issues and children half the week and have you talked about who is going to be looking after them. Take your time and do not rush into this as so expensive and money is tight.

'Ex wife unwilling for it to be reduced' does she have a legal way to enforce that? And why is that your problem? You don't need to make up the 'extras' money he's agreed to give her

@missmollygreen single mums don't often move into their boyfriends parents homes rent free and expect their boyfriend who earns less than them to split a house to fit their kids half half

So your parents have you and him living with them full time, and his 3 children 50% of the time? They are living saints not to have kicked you both out.

Why doesn't he split your rent that you pay to your parents with you, if he expects you to split the rent on the house for his kids with him?

If you want to move into his house for his kids then I'd say 'you lived with me for six months free I'll try living here for six months free and see how it goes then we'll decide what to do

Who is putting what into the joint "savings".
I hope you have access to the savings account.
Don't think we will the the OP again.

I agree with pp who said let him sort his loving arrangements himself.

This is a bad situation for you and also not great for his kids - they need their dad to be able to afford a place on his own and not he dependent on his latest partner.

It sounds like he may he using you. This is partly why I don’t date men with kids.

Good god.

Run for the hills.

What do your parents think about their daughter throwing her lot in with this prize of a man?

This relationship isn't in your best interests. Run run run.

Don't move in with him. You cannot subsidise his children. If he wants bedrooms for them he pays for them. Does he expect you to pay the rent 50/50??

Absolutely. OP, I know it’s hard to hear and you don’t see him as a leech, but from what you’ve said it sounds like your partner can’t afford to pay his bills - maintenance and debts etc - without this period of living rent free and without living with you ? Therefore he financially can’t afford to not have you in his life.

It’s not great when a man stays because he is heavily relying on your financial support to provide for his children from another woman.

I’m wondering why you have tolerated this and your parents haven’t called it out either? We live in a society that teaches woman we must put up anything to keep a man and I fear this is the result.

I agree. I can see she isn’t open minded to the idea he may be using her which he clearly is. But I think it may take a matter of months or years before the penny drops.

I can sniff men like that out a mile away. I was talking to a man once when I was single, he said he liked “ambitious” women. Something told me that by ambitious he meant women who are willing to be a workhorse for his benefit . I asked him if he had any dependents.

It turned out he sent money home to his family in another country AND had a 5 year old child whose mother didn’t work. So yeah that’s why he wanted an “ambitious” woman.

I said to him do you realise if we had shared finances I’d be effectively working to subsidise your family to the detriment of my own finances/savings while your own ex doesn’t work ? Why would I sign up to that?

He grudgingly agreed I was right lol he couldn’t even justify it himself. These men know it’s not a good deal but they’re happy to try their luck because there’s always someone desperate enough to sign up to it.

If it was 50/50 he wouldn't have to pay any maintenance. We'd all like free money of course she will ask that it carries on. He'd be a mug to agree to just handing her free money every month for no reason at all.

First part is let him clear his pre existing debt, move in as a fresh together if this is what you want. Secondly if they both want 50/50 go online and do a calculation at what his maintenance should be if he had a 50/50 split. Ex cannot have her cake and eat it. I’d do a calculation based on the circumstances now too as this private arrangement may mean he is paying a lot more than he should - this is something he might be happy with and if so so long as he can afford it and afford your joint responsibilities let it continue. I think there’s a bit of “mess” to clean up first. I personally would insist he cleans up his past before entering into a new exciting future 😊

If he’s having the kids 50% of the time then he doesn’t need to pay any maintenance. What his ex wife wants is irrelevant.

i think you’d be mad to live with him tbh and he definitely be paying a higher percentage of the rent and bills for a start.

Is he a lot older than you?

God, sounds like a right catch. Not.

There's no way I'd move in with a guy who has 3 children to support financially.