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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

His comment about having children in his home country

90 replies

Ana25 · 17/03/2024 14:31

I'm 32 and my newish boyfriend is 31. It's only been 4 months but things are going well so far and he stated on date one he sought a serious relationship.

He's from another European country but his job will keep him here for at least another 2 years.

My cousin had a baby and we were casually discussing maternity rights in the UK. He said he'd want to have kids back in his country which has better maternity rights. I was shocked to hear this and told him as much. We talked a bit more, with him saying he'd 'like' to be closer to his parents in future and asked if I also wanted to stay close to family. Nothing seemed set in stone however.

Long term I'm open minded but would want to have a baby in the UK close to my own parents. I'm reconsidering whether this relationship has a future. Is this relationship ending or do I need to have another conversation?

OP posts:

BoohooWoohoo · 17/03/2024 14:35

If you have a child overseas then the relationship breaks down, you could find yourself stuck in that country because you’d need your ex’s permission to take your child back to the UK. He could legally say no because your child is resident in the other country. (Obviously you can leave whenever but your child can’t)

WhateverMate · 17/03/2024 14:35

I was shocked to hear this and told him as much.

I can't see why it was so shocking considering you'd like children in your home country.

I think you two should probably go your separate ways if it's this important to you both.

Nevermind31 · 17/03/2024 14:39

Do you want to move to his home country? Do you speak the language?
if not, and it is a deal breaker for you I’d end it now.
if you have a child abroad you might not be able to move back to the UK should the relationship break down (the same, of course, applies to him. Once you have a child in a different country, with a citizen of that country, then you are stuck there).

PickledMumion · 17/03/2024 14:39

I'm surprised you find this shocking. I think it's really sensible to be discussing this early on. It would be foolish to blunder on just assuming "everything will work itself out".

Original poster

Ana25 · 17/03/2024 14:39

He has been living and working here for 5 years. So it was definitely shocking because I'm dating him on the basis of living here. He's also been building his career here.

I'm not convinced he's thought it through, as he also talks about buying a home here. It's almost like he's weighing up different options of what he wants.

OP posts:

Herdinggoats · 17/03/2024 14:41

WhateverMate · 17/03/2024 14:35

I was shocked to hear this and told him as much.

I can't see why it was so shocking considering you'd like children in your home country.

I think you two should probably go your separate ways if it's this important to you both.

I think if you meet someone who has moved to a particular country and they state initially or on date one that they are after a serious relationship then I would assume that they plan on being in that country long-term unless they stated otherwise.

I think it’s a bit much to start dating someone with serious intentions, allow them to think it has serious potential but not mention that you plan on moving to other country. What he should’ve said was “I am looking for a serious relationship, but always intend to move back to X, so any potential partner needs to be open to that”

Original poster

Ana25 · 17/03/2024 14:43

@Nevermind31 I like his home country but haven't spent enough time either there or with him yet to know if I'd move there. I wouldn't say no, nor yes either. But I wouldn't have a baby in another country. I'm 32 now.

I think what I'm more fussed about is this: in a relationship, you make decisions together. I don't fancy getting serious with someone whose life I need to along with. He might want to be close to parents but my parents are the same age and will always be getting older.

OP posts:

ColleenDonaghy · 17/03/2024 14:44

I think a lot of people who move away for work when young plan to move home to start a family, so his position isn't unusual or anything.

If you, understandably, don't want to move then I think you should consider calling it a day now rather than running into real problems down the line.

Haydenn · 17/03/2024 14:45

WhateverMate · 17/03/2024 14:35

I was shocked to hear this and told him as much.

I can't see why it was so shocking considering you'd like children in your home country.

I think you two should probably go your separate ways if it's this important to you both.

Because they both live in the UK, they have entered into a relationship with a view to it becoming serious and he has never told her that he plans on leaving the UK at some point. If he truly sees the relationship as serious wouldn’t he sound out if she is prepared to move overseas at some point. 1) it’s a bit of a deal breaker 2) she could waste a lot of time and emotional energy on something doomed from the start

materialgworl · 17/03/2024 14:46

You shouldn't date an immigrant if at the very max, you aren't prepared to live between two countries. This is standard.

SerendipityJane · 17/03/2024 14:48

He said he'd want to have kids back in his country which has better maternity rights.

It might add to the quality of debate if we know what the country is. It's not like the UK is top of the pile to start with.

Original poster

Ana25 · 17/03/2024 14:49

@SerendipityJane he's from Denmark.

OP posts:

CecilyP · 17/03/2024 14:49

I can't see why it was so shocking considering you'd like children in your home country.

Perhaps it is because OP is the one who will be pregnant and giving birth. (Should be obvious after reading all the MIL threads on mumsnet!)

In addition, the boyfriend has already chosen to leave his own country to live in the U.K. OP has not chosen to leave to go to his country, regardless of having children!

AdriftAbroad1 · 17/03/2024 14:51

Do NOT do this.

Live there by all means but give birth in the UK.

Please note my user name.

Original poster

Ana25 · 17/03/2024 14:59

Curious to hear more @AdriftAbroad1 ?!

That's what I'm saying anyway. I'm 32. He's working here for at least another 2 years minimum. I don't want to be having a baby in several years time and I'd 100% want family and NHS support in my own country.

OP posts:

Maryofscots · 17/03/2024 15:03

In the kindest possible way, OP I think you are being unreasonable. You both said exactly the same thing, that you want to raise your children in your country near your families. Why is it ok for you to want this and not him? You're both being open and honest with each other in the early days which is great so if this is a dealbreaker for both of you, it might be a good idea to cut your losses.

Original poster

Ana25 · 17/03/2024 15:09

@Maryofscots for the reasons @Haydenn stated above. It does feel like having something dropped on you when the assumption was he plans to live here.

He speaks English more or less fluently and has been here for 5 years. I can learn his language but that would take time, for a start. We've dated for months without him saying he would want to return home.

At home he has his family and friends. My family and friends are here. I feel I've met someone special, but I need to weigh up what I'd be giving up long term.

OP posts:

TheShellBeach · 17/03/2024 15:09

You'd 100% want NHS support here if you had a baby?

I am a retired community midwife and I can tell you that maternity care here is now very, very poor.

It wouldn't surprise me if Danish health care is superior to that in the UK.

However, that doesn't mean that you should move to Denmark if you stay together and have a baby.

You and your BF are sensibly having this conversation before the relationship gets serious, but it seems to have hit such an impasse that you'd better end it.

HundredMilesAnHour · 17/03/2024 15:15

I think YABU. You made the assumption that because he's working here now, he'll be here forever. That's a bit silly/naive. Lots of people move away from home (either domestically or internationally) but decide to move back when they're ready to settle down / have a family.

Quality of life is much better in Denmark than the UK. It could actually be a great opportunity for you but if your preference is to stay close to your own family in the UK, you're better off ending things now.

Iloveshihtzus · 17/03/2024 15:17

My friend dated a danish guy who she met in university . They lived here for 10 years but he was always sure he wanted to move home to have kids. They moved and she has learned his language and the kids speak English as a second language.

Of their friends, all of the husbands are danish who met their wives abroad (none of the wives are danish) and all wanted to move to Denmark to have kids.

If you want to stay in the UK, you need to understand that he won’t change his mind so keep that in mind.

Original poster

Ana25 · 17/03/2024 15:42

Fair enough @HundredMilesAnHour I suppose that's true.

I am one of those people that moved abroad for years then moved back late 20s. In the back of my mind, I thought about how my grandparents were never that close to my cousins because they lived in another country. I didn't necessarily want that for my parents if I had kids.

On the other hand, I'm not 100% against a move. But I'd want to have a baby here with family support as I said.

He is keen for me go to and visit his family this summer. I probably need to do that before I can consider anything anyway.

OP posts:

Original poster

Ana25 · 17/03/2024 15:42

@Iloveshihtzus how do they like living there overall?

OP posts:

AdriftAbroad1 · 17/03/2024 15:50

You need to look up Danish divorce and residency and how it works there. You need to decide where you will get married.
You will need to decide your "marital regime" and you will need to look closely at your pension and state pension in the UK.

Onceuponatimeiwasahoe · 17/03/2024 15:55

Tbh any kid is better off abroad this country is so ish. Have an open mind

Adhdorlazy · 17/03/2024 15:56

I wouldn’t put much stock on an idle conversation after 4 months of dating about having kids.

It might be his preference- but I also wanted to have my kid in my home country ( didn’t).

real life and practicalities get in the way. I don’t think this is ( or should be) one of life’s non negotiables!

If Europe, I assume that he’s culturally quite similar to you? If you marry a partner from another country, I think you need to accept there be a desire to split time between countries. As you are the mother, I really think it should be your preference since your r ethe one giving birth. You’d also want to be able to speak the language at ante natal clinics etc but

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