His comment about having children in his home country

[Ana25]

I'm 32 and my newish boyfriend is 31. It's only been 4 months but things are going well so far and he stated on date one he sought a serious relationship.

He's from another European country but his job will keep him here for at least another 2 years.

My cousin had a baby and we were casually discussing maternity rights in the UK. He said he'd want to have kids back in his country which has better maternity rights. I was shocked to hear this and told him as much. We talked a bit more, with him saying he'd 'like' to be closer to his parents in future and asked if I also wanted to stay close to family. Nothing seemed set in stone however.

Long term I'm open minded but would want to have a baby in the UK close to my own parents. I'm reconsidering whether this relationship has a future. Is this relationship ending or do I need to have another conversation?

Never gave children abroad to please a man. Never. You’ll never be able to leave.

I do wonder if you are misunderstanding what he means by maternity rights. Certainly the situation in Denmark is in many ways better than the UK. Dependent on where you live in the UK, the quality of NHS could be far below the standards enjoyed in Denmark. In terms of quality of life and happiness, Denmark is ahead of the UK. I suggest you chill out a bit, open your mind, enjoy a summer visit to DK and get better informed and then discuss again.

Exactly this. OP moving on, date Brits who have no intention of ever moving out of uk. Its unreasonable that you find what he wants which is exactly what you want, shocking.

Beware though. Lots of Brits moving to EU these days.

Also, you've only been together 4 months. Good you are discussing this and know his thoughts. But you say yourself you ate years away from kids (I wonder. Will NHS even exist them?).

And just to ask. Why don't you want better maternity care and better maternity rights?

Neither of YABU, but I'd move on from this one. If the relationship goes sour, you don't want to be stuck in an economically precarious position in a country where you don't speak the language and have zero family support because you can't bring your child back to this country.

Don't sleepwalk into a potentially vulnerable position just because you're loved up and think this is "the one". You're right to question it.

I wouldn’t be surprised he feels that way but I also wouldn’t pursue the relationship any further.
I would never live anywhere other than the UK, my family are here and we live close to each other ( walking distance). It wouldn’t even be a consideration for me, so I’d personally end the relationship.

You also need to be prepared for having kids in this country, him deciding to move back home and then you being stuffed trying to get any maintenance out of him. I’d be cutting this one free

All of this. It's not shocking at all. You're just not compatible long-term.

Tbf parents have very good maternity and childcare rights and options here in Denmark.

Maternity rights aren’t really relevant. What’s relevant is where you want to be and if that’s the UK, it’s fine.

A colleague spent 12 years in France but told her French husband she wanted to come back to the UK for the dcs’ secondary education. Luckily, he said yes. If he hadn’t, I don’t know what she would have done.

I don't blame him for wanting to go back to Denmark. I'm not one of these that thinks the UK is the worst place in the world according to common MN lore but I would imagine Denmark is wholly superior in many respects.

It's not like he told you he was moving back to Iran or South Sudan.

If you can't consider having children or living in Denmark then tell him so. You might both be advised to cut your losses now or you start learning the language.

If you think he's someone special, I'd go with it and see how things pan out in a few months / year. No one's going to meet all your desirable criteria. Thinking of all the possible negative outcomes further down the line is just doom mongering.

On the other hand, if you are both 100% sure you won't be able to compromise, you would be better to break up now. And be glad you've already had that discussion before you got more involved.

In surveys - Denmark comes out one of best countries to live in. Your child would be a European citizen too.

YABU. These aren't concrete plans at this stage, they're theoretical considerations. He's 100 percent right that both maternity /paternity rules and childcare - and yes, also the health system - are a million times better in Denmark. Whether that would be something you'd consider as a couple is another matter,.and I assume you'd cross that bridge when it comes to it.

I’d have jumped at the chance at moving to Denmark to raise my family!

I think if you’re in a relationship with someone from another country you should always be aware that they may want to move back at some point unless they’ve repeatedly said that they don’t. I understand why it may seem like he was completely settled in the UK, he may even have felt that way a bit himself. But the stresses of moving country are significant and they can show up, seemingly out of the blue, years into living there. It’s naive to get together with someone from a different country (or any different background) and not expect them to feel the pull of it.

I also don’t think it necessarily means your relationship is over. Like you said - he may be in two minds about what he really wants - but you shouldn’t be shocked that someone feels the call for home when they’re talking about their future. It’s just something you’ll have to navigate together and see if there is a compromise you’re both okay with in the end.

I was pretty much your OH in my relationship - had been living in another country for a long time, could have remained indefinitely but was thinking about moving on. It was probably about 4-6 months in that I started discussing this seriously with my future wife and, in the end, we moved to the UK and started a family here. But only after a lot of soul searching and discussion.

It's not always been easy. Of course, it helps me a lot that I can deal with schools and things in my own language (while I speak her language pretty well and use it extensively in my professional life, there's a big difference between day to day chat and official bureaucracy). But she sometimes feels isolated and, of course, that puts pressure on me to support her with stuff that wouldn't need the same level of support if I was married to a Brit (or possibly a long-term UK resident who was established here before meeting me). OTOH, if we'd stayed in her country that additional support would have to come from her since she had the local knowledge, especially in terms of accessing services, benefits etc.

In the end, it works for us because we make it work and because we want it to work. But that's about us as a couple, not about our respective nationalities nor our current country of residence. Circumstances have also proved me correct about both my father's need for someone close at hand to support him in his later years, and my fears that her country was lurching rapidly down a hugely undesirable and dangerous political course that would leave me vulnerable as a foreigner working there in my industry. But I couldn't have blamed her for saying that she wanted to stay home and remain close to her family, even though I doubt that would have persuaded me to stay with her in her home city.

My best friend is currently going through a messy divorce in a foreign country after she moved there to marry someone born there. She obviously wants to move back home but faces not being able to bring her child with her if she doesn't win custody.

I'd be very wary about having a child with someone in their home country rather than your own.

This...

Or are you of the thinking that he'll change his mind, there's a chance he's giving conflicting info to you inorder for you to keep things as they are.

If it's only been a few months and that's the case I'd bow out now.

@Ana25 I follow a few Mums who moved to Denmark with their husbands, and either had some dc before and some after the move, or had them there. DM me if you want their handles.

I'd say this is always something that has to be worked out as a couple who are not both born/from the same country. Four months is very early days in a relationship but it's probably wise to figure out if either of you have flexibility and what that looks like. One of you has to compromise and it's a big compromise to make.

Maternity care may well be great in Denmark, but the thing that would worry me is if you split up, you wouldn't be able to move back here with the kids (unless he agreed).

I have two friends currently "stuck" living abroad when they would like to come home. In one case she has split up with her partner and isn't allowed to bring the kids home without his permission (which he won't give, as he wants to stay there).

In the other case, they're still together, but the kids are happily settled in schools and speak the language - to them, moving to the UK would be moving to a foreign country, and my friend doesn't want to disrupt their lives.

This. It's not something I'd risk.

I think you should have another conversation and make it clear that you'd never want to move to another country. If he's set on wanting to move back to his country, then the only answer is to call it a day really.

You need to consider how dreadful NHS maternity services are ( through years of tories deliberately running them down). The majority are inadequate- much publicised recently. Denmark and most of the western world generally have far superior ( safer) outcomes.

You've been together for 4 months! Chill.

FWIW I gave birth in my husband's home country (also a European country) as living there at the time and it was a far far better experience then the UK. He moved to the UK and we go between both countries.

Denmark isn't exactly far away!

I love Denmark and was actually googling residency requirements last week after a trip, but there's no way I'd be continuing this relationship. Relationships can and do break down, and there's not a cat in hells chance I'd risk not being able to leave with my children. Or being able to leave but not being able to get maintenance.

I don't think OP needs to chill. She doesn't want to have a baby in another country and if he does what's the point of them wasting more of their time?