His comment about having children in his home country

[Ana25]

I'm 32 and my newish boyfriend is 31. It's only been 4 months but things are going well so far and he stated on date one he sought a serious relationship.

He's from another European country but his job will keep him here for at least another 2 years.

My cousin had a baby and we were casually discussing maternity rights in the UK. He said he'd want to have kids back in his country which has better maternity rights. I was shocked to hear this and told him as much. We talked a bit more, with him saying he'd 'like' to be closer to his parents in future and asked if I also wanted to stay close to family. Nothing seemed set in stone however.

Long term I'm open minded but would want to have a baby in the UK close to my own parents. I'm reconsidering whether this relationship has a future. Is this relationship ending or do I need to have another conversation?

Both maternity and paternity arrangements and services in general are likely more generous and together in Denmark if they're anything like those in its northern Scandinavian sibling nations. Childhood is idealised and treasured, as is early parenthood. A wonderful place to raise a family.

But it's not your home.
I'm a Scandi raising children in the UK because I was you and followed DP.
I love being here, but am aware of the many ways in which I am short-changing my DC by bringing them up in the political climate of austerity and conservatism which prevails in Britain, when they could be benefiting from growing up in a society shaped by more centrist, social democratic values and services to match.

I dont quite understand the shock either, most people want to bring up chidlren in their home country, unless there is a significant reason why they wouldnt.

@Ana25 you need to have your children in this country or you might not be allowed to bring them back here if you split up!!

I have a friend who is stuck in the country of her ex partner's because they had a child together in his country.

It's in the EU and it's next door to her country, she speaks the language but dislikes the country and there's nothing she could do about it whilst her dc was young as obviously she didn't want to leave her dc.

She could move back now as her dc is a young adult but she wants to be close to her dc and her dc wouldn't countenance a move to her dm's home country as she doesn't know the country as well as her own.

I'm married to a Dane and living in the UK. We don't have children but we would have definitely moved to Denmark if we'd wanted to start a family.

Had you just assumed that because you met here that this is where you would always live OP, without discussing what he might want? Because if so, you've been very naive. Getting into a relationship with someone from another country and having DC with them is anything but simple and you should never assume that they'll want the same things that you do. Should you reconsider the relationship? Well, the two of you certainly need to start communicating better and discussing what you both want from the relationship, if it gets more serious. And if you don't agree on the basics - number one being which country you will live in - then yes, you should definitely throw this one back.

Firstly, as PP have said, you're only a few months into this relationship. So chill 😁

FWIW, I moved to England with my British husband. We had kids here. We also took them to the US embassy and did the paperwork so that they are dual citizens. It's straightforward but has to be done before 6mos! Although I miss the US, I would not move back there until our DC are adults b/c the DCs' lives are here.

I have seen other posts about UK citizens and having children abroad. Check the rules carefully because birth location can affect UK citizenship. I have a British friend who was married to a Russian but came back here for their DC's birth.

I've never worried about DH refusing to let our DC travel but do look into the rules for Denmark.

sorry But I’d say from how shocked you were that you’re on totally different pages. I think the biggest deal breaker is people wanting to live/raise their child in a different area. I have friends that are so homesick but don’t feel they can leave the countries they’re in because healthcare, job etc etc are so good where they are. The thing is I always think if they’re miserable what is the point?!

To be fair you can't just move to Denmark now anyway...due to brexit you need a visa and these are not so easy to get.

And immigration rules are actually pretty strict in general.

Neither of you is wrong or being unreasonable here in any way, but yes it may be relationship ending. Unfortunately if you both feel like having & raising babies near your families is a priority to you and those families are in separate countries, then you simply may not be compatible. It's good that you're exploring this early.

I think the person actually giving birth should get final say on where that birth takes place.
I would never give birth abroad because I would worry about being trapped in another country if it all goes pear shaped.
My dh is half Danish - their culture seems to be that after mat leave, children go to state subsidised child care and both parents return to work (although work/life balance seems good). Could you work there? Would you want to be a sahp?

You may want to bring it up again and discuss with him. Make your position clear and see where the discussion goes.
as someone who moved away(I didn’t feel strongly one way or another at the time) and gave birth in SO’s country, I underestimated how much I needed to be around familiar people, system etc at that vulnerable time. I believe it was a major contributor to my PPD.
Childcare falls mostly if not entirely on the woman, even more so in the early years, so what you’re comfortable with and your support network is what matters most.

I can see his point. If I happened to get pregnant, I’d consider having the baby in my European country of origin, because healthcare is better there than here in the UK and I prefer the education system.

All great until she wastes a couple of childbearing years on this fellow only for him to decide when push comes to shove to go back home and she is left either trying to start over with the clock ticking or giving up on the principle of “the one giving birth gets final say”

No it won’t affect citizenship for the DC. However if DC’s kids are also born abroad, they wouldn’t be entitled to British citizenship.

There’s also a language issue. Where unless the OP is extraordinarily talented learning a new language to fluency takes years and is incredibly difficult. However great the standard of English is in the general population it is very isolating to have that language barrier and she will need to contend with that. I don’t think it is as simple as some people here seem to suggest.

I hear good things about childcare provision in Denmark. Worth seriously considering.

You both want to have babies in your home countries. That’s not shocking. You are just incompatible. You are right to prefer not to have a baby there, you may not be able to move back with child if you split.

I have lived overseas twice and also worked in multinationals where I have encountered many people that are living away from their home country. A significant number of them decide to move to their home country once they are ready to start a family. So I am very bemused that you or anyone would be shocked by this.

That said, I definitely agree that there could be an issue for you down the line.

If you want to raise a family in the UK and he wants to raise a family in Denmark, then i think you should split up now, rather than dragging it out. This isn't a difference you can overcome.

He's going to struggle finding a partner in this country who would be willing to give up their life here and move to Denmark. Most women have family here, a career, friends etc. Few Brits speak Danish. Tbh, if he's set on raising a family in Denmark, he'd be better off moving home and finding a partner there.
Denmark is a nice place but I don't know many women who would be entirely happy giving birth in a place where their own language skills weren't fluent and where they didn't have their own mums/support system. At least, not women who hadn't actively chose to emigrate.

My mil is Danish. She was living in the UK when she met fil but returned home to give birth.
Not sure if it's changed now but Denmark only used to allow dual citizenship until age 18, then kids had to choose. If they chose Danish, they were eligible for national service.
It's not only about maternity care, you have to consider how you will feel about your dc growing up to be a different nationality to you, possibly giving up their British citizenship or it not bro g meaningful to them in the same way it might be to you. Having and raising a family in a country which isn't yours, is a big thing to consider. I know there were some issues/conflict for my in-laws regarding this.
My brother is raising his dc in America (his wife is American). The kids have a good life out there, but it's a different life to the one my brother had. You would have to be actively willing to embrace that.

Maybe 4 months is too early for these conversations but I would have them sooner rather than later because you wouldn't want to waste childbearing years on someone who will ultimately leave you if he feels very strongly about this.

I agree @paintingvenice - the only people who ever tell you that it's easy to 'pick up another language' have either never done it or have a particular aptitude for languages - which the vast majority of people don't.

It's bloody hard and really socially isolating to move to another country where you don't speak the language! And no, most people don't just 'pick it up' in a few months. It takes years and lots of hard work.

I lived in Denmark for more than a decade and had a child there. I didn't particularly enjoy it, particularly the weather! It's a very difficult country to integrate into, but there were definitely good parts and I made some good friends.

The Scandi model is probably better than many, but it comes with a lot of hidden difficulties for outsiders, and there's a lot of racism and far right nationalism. There's a reason for such a high number of Danes being on anti depressants.

What I would say though is that Danes almost universally insist on going home and staying there once they're thinking about having children. It's a running joke among most of the couples I know where one of them is Danish and one of them is not. It has led to many of them splitting or being unhappy that their Danish partner simply will not budge.