His comment about having children in his home country

[Ana25]

I'm 32 and my newish boyfriend is 31. It's only been 4 months but things are going well so far and he stated on date one he sought a serious relationship.

He's from another European country but his job will keep him here for at least another 2 years.

My cousin had a baby and we were casually discussing maternity rights in the UK. He said he'd want to have kids back in his country which has better maternity rights. I was shocked to hear this and told him as much. We talked a bit more, with him saying he'd 'like' to be closer to his parents in future and asked if I also wanted to stay close to family. Nothing seemed set in stone however.

Long term I'm open minded but would want to have a baby in the UK close to my own parents. I'm reconsidering whether this relationship has a future. Is this relationship ending or do I need to have another conversation?

I'm afraid if you both feel strongly on this issue, you may need to reconsider this relations. Don't invest time hoping he will change his mind. He's told you his hopes and dreams and they are different to yours

I think you’ve been a little naive to date someone not from the UK and assume that their life is now fully in the UK.

You need a heart to heart on what life could look like in the future - children, aging parents etc. At some point you have to be able to agree for the relationship to be worth continuing to invest in. And being in an international relationship will continue to look different to a UK only relationship. For us it’s things like: maintaining the kids’ other citizenship, spending most of our holiday budget on visiting that country, and having an emergency fund for DH to drop everything and jump on a plane if his parents are ill, giving the kids the option to study in the other country. (Most of this slightly less impactful when it’s Europe rather than further afield!)

1. Research Danish quality of life and maternity practices and care.

Then compare to the shitshow the NHS has become.

Of course he's comparing the two. (This may be his point.)

2. Research Danish parental rights.

Consider what a mess you'd be in if you had a baby there then split up.

Caught in limbo as a non European ex with a child whose father has rights.

Danish quality of life is an aggregated figure. The fact is long-term any one living in a country with limited language skills is going to struggle with feelings of isolation and have a poorer quality of life.

I disagree with the posters saying this is a short relationship, you’re only four months in etc. At 32 you need to be decisive and settle down with someone with shared goals if you want kids.

Just because he said he'd like to move back to have kids that doesn't mean he will. I wouldn't stress about it but I would also keep an open mind.
I had DS in England and it was fine. However, I had considered moving back "home" before I got pregnant with him. It just wasn't practical at that point.
After Brexit, the maternity provision in my home country was one factor that made us move. It's much better than in the UK (never really got the hype about the NHS but then I am not British) and I get a lot more money during my parental leave than I did in England (as does DH). We also have more rights in terms of child sick days, for example, and our employers are more family-friendly.

We might move back to the UK at some point but certainly not while the kids are little.

I lived abroad and dated someone who was lovely but I knew full well I was always going to move home again. OP@Ana25 isnt it really obvious, if you would never choose to move abroad for love then you either just have a relationship "for now" or end it now. Have you asked him his opinion as he may be in the see how it goes camp....if you are a woman of a certain age who wants kids then sometimes you have to be realistic about your choices.

@Busyhedgehog and others who have suggested he might not actually move back, I think this is a real possibility. He has built his career here and I think that does matter. Obviously he can change careers later but there's no guarantee that he can get the same job there.

I have a few things to consider.

I will look at healthcare and rights etc in Denmark - I don't know much about it. I'm not against a move later necessarily but I want to have children here at first.

I have heard about people moving to a spouse's and then finding they can't move back with their children - that IS a potential concern.

We are at the giddy in love stage but we will need to have a proper talk again soon. He might be more flexible than I realise. As a PP said, I can't very well afford to waste years.

My ageing parents are also on my mind. The move would mean being close to his and not mine. Obviously this will be the case in either scenario, but I am an only child. His brother already lives near his parents.

I am getting my Irish citizenship this year so the European thing not so much an issue

Is this relationship ending or do I need to have another conversation?

It might be relationship ending but you won't know unless you have another (probably several more) conversations.

You've only been seeing him for 4 months so I doubt either of you have thought much about what a potential future together looks like in concrete terms. He's always assumed he'll have kids in Denmark, you've always assumed you'll have kids here - that's the start of a conversation, not the end of one. It may be that you get to know Denmark and change your mind. It may be that he changes his mind. Both of your careers will also be factors in terms of how they develop and where the opportunities are. It may be that you find some sort of compromise. And it may be that neither of you change your mind and end up separating over this.

Being able to communicate over big issues like this is fundamental to a healthy relationship - if you can't do that, then that will be a bigger problem than Denmark vs UK.

Having lived both here and in Denmark, I'd say he is correct and you would have a much better experience starting and raising your family in Denmark. Something to bear in mind... If you really couldn't contemplate moving away from your family though, then I'd cut your loses and end the relationship now. No point pushing on if you want different things.

@LadyBird1973 Slightly OT but just for info - Denmark now allows dual citizenship (since 2014).

That's good @scandiinuk I always thought it was very unfair to make people choose between two countries that they belong to equally.
I knew they were doing it a few years ago, but thought it was for a limited period only.

I would want to go home to have children if I were him too.

If you loved Denmark would your parents move too? might be a much better place for you all! Although I can understand it might be quite difficult for them to get a visa.

What @BoohooWoohoo says it totally correct. Look at The Hague Convention and child custody.
I know a few people who are stuck in a country they don’t want to be in because they had children and now they can leave - unless without the children