Childminder terminated contract

[penelopepinkbott]

Started my son (2.5) with a new childminder a few weeks ago. She seems nice and my son went in very happily. We've had an email saying due to his needs the care of other children has been compromised and she needs to terminate our contract. She thinks a nursery would be better with more staff. She has mainly babies and says he has hurt them on more than one occasion.
We did use a nursery for a few month but they also asked us to leave as they couldn't meet his needs. Both CM and nursery suggest we assess for additional needs. CM sent a report shoring the milestones he wasn't meeting, mainly communication and language. I disagree as I know he can do more than he shows them. AIBU to think childcare should care for my child? Can they wash their hands of him?

If you are looking for socialisation and not full all year round daycare then look for a school nursery that has 2 year olds. They won't say that they cant meet needs and are well placed to initiate send assessments

Best of luck with finding suitable childcare for your son OP.
just echoing what others have said and it is very unlikely that 2 childcare settings are wrong about your child’s needs.
we have a tendency as parents to adapt to our individual child’s needs without even realizing and this can lead to us not being able to see what is plainly obvious to everyone else.
I hope you are able to get the correct support for your son going forwards.

To compare to my 2.5 YO. She speaks in sentences, communicates well with me. I feel she knows most words now. She speaks about the boys and girls she plays with at nursery. Other children at nursery seem similar at pick up.

My DS was similar to yours at 2.5. He has ADHD and is under assessment for Autism. Its great to get the wheels in motion now, starting school with a diagnosis or atleast an EHCP will really help him in reception. My DS had an awful time in reception, was labelled as a naughty child before moving schools and it severely knocked his confidence.

That said, both my DC have disabilities and coped with mainstream nursery. You will find a nursery that is a good fit for your DS. But work with them to get the right support for your DS.

I think you really need to re read what you wrote. It's so hard for any of us to admit something isn't right. But you wouldn't have made this post if you didn't have that weird feeling something isn't right. I hope your son gets the help he needs and a childcare situation that works for him and other children too.

Ah ok so you don’t care then.

There is no possible way you think standing on babies is normal

A nanny is what you’re looking for, not a childminder. A nanny is 1:1. A childminder normally has more children than a nursery worker.

For reference my child is 13 months and knows right from wrong and not to hit another child with a toy. He is well settled at a nursery and is absolutely NOT expected that children are hurt or just get injured especially from another child.

Also, at 2 years he should have a vocabulary or 100-200 words as per the NHS guidance. My eldest easily had this when he was 2. 10 is definitely indicative of an issue

You are in denial.
two separate childcare providers have asked him to leave, and both have mentioned ' safety ' amongst other issues.

the cm agree she would try, she did, and had now given you notice.

now it is up to you find find out from the health visitor and your GP what to do next.

all these childcare providers that you pay for are allowed to refuse your son at this age, or to terminate their contract.

you need to find out, so you are ready when he starts school and the school needs to know what to expect.

Sorry but I’m inclined to agree with first poster this is extremely concerning from the OP and her husband. As a parent with a ND child with autism and other diagnosis I do understand it can be difficult to accept. However, once a child is causing potentially serious harm to other children this goes beyond all sympathies for the feelings of the parents as it is bordering on neglect. If I was the mother of one of the babies your son is hurting unintentionally or otherwise I’d be furious at your lack of regard and grateful your CM has safeguarded my child. At this point you’re not capable of safeguarding anyone’s child including your own. Your child sounds as though he’s miles behind on his milestones both at home and in a nursery/childcare setting. They legally have the right to protect all of the children they have in their care in front of you and your child whose needs they’ve fairly told you that they cannot meet. Your arrogance that you believe you both know better and are entitled to have your CM put up with your child hurting other children just because you can’t be bothered to find an appropriate childcare setting for him is staggering. OP, two experienced professionals have told you that you need to get your child assessed. If you ignore this warning and don’t get the ball rolling asap your child could well be in school, struggling and suffering because you’ve put your personal feelings above the needs of your own child. Your son could be at a point in school where they will also tell you they believe your son is ND and his school life could be filled with anxieties in the wrong school placement unable to access the quality of education and support he’s owed because you’re choosing to be in denial instead of being proactive. If you wish for your child to emotionally suffer then you and your husband can crack on lying to each other and excusing all of your poor parenting but don’t come crying on MN when your child is in a horrendous amount of emotional anguish and has constant meltdowns because they are unable to cope - if this happens then it will be all of your own doing.

Omg I cannot believe what I’ve just read. This above is your response to a poster who said “don’t you care if he hurts babies”

Wow you really do seem to be in denial and have a spot of “my child is perfect and can do no wrong” syndrome! Coming from a mother with a SEN child myself and have had to accept in the past that her nursery could not meet her needs, I find your complete denial about your child quite concerning! Especially if you think it’s ok for him to hurt a baby just because ‘all kids get hurt now and again’! What would you have done if another child had gone up to your DS and hurt him when he was a small baby?? Bet you wouldn’t be saying those words then!

What are you going to do when he’s older and hurting other children or even bullying them? Are you going to be one of those parents who jumps to the defence of your child because you have this ideal about him that you refuse to see past?

He needs to be assessed - your CM has already said she cannot meet his needs…therefore he probably has additional needs

Oh honey...

I know it might be hard to hear and accept, but your child may well have additional needs that you don't (want to) recognise. Professional childcare individuals are trained and have a lot of real life experience with lots of different children. And professional childcare individuals from two different settings have flagged concerns about your child to you and your response is to argue and pretend it's not true. Neither response will get the support and help your child might need. And if your child does need it, delaying will only make the need greater and could well make your child's social and educational outcome worse down the line.

Please seek support for your child. Early intervention is key if support is actually needed.

I just don't believe he has autism. He makes eye contact

I taught children with autism in a special school for several decades. Very few of them had issues with eye contact. In fact some of them were particularly good at it. I wish it had never gained traction as something that the public see as a necessary symptom for autism.

Two different and unconnected childcare providers have expressed the same concerns and feel unable to prove care for your son. This is very unusual and sends a very clear message, which in glad you are now receiving.

The fact that your child isn't being malicious doesn't alter the fact that he is hurting people, and both providers have to protect the other children.

So yes, you're doing the right thing by contacting your HV. If you are able to afford it, possibly get a private speech and language assessment and course of therapy. I funded this for my DGD who had similar language delay and a few other concerning traits at 2-3. Speech therapy made a huge difference very quickly, and she's doing brilliantly now. She never stops talking and is doing well at nursery.

My nephew is 4. He was diagnosed at 2. As a lockdown baby, my sister thought it was just not being socialised that was delaying his speech and understanding. When the HV spotted that he hadn’t made any progress since his 12 month check at 18 months, my sister sprang into action. At 4 he has so much support from dietitians (he has ARFID), paediatricians, educators etc because she has advocated for him so hard. He has just started mainstream school with a 121 and is coming on leaps and bounds.

I can’t imagine the state they’d be in if my sister had ignored advice from professionals early on.

This is why I don’t use a childminder because I know more hands at nursery is better for DD3. They have more resource. DD has additional needs and nursery have been brilliant - applying for inclusion funding and helping with her EHCP. They put individual educational plans in place in the meantime. Private nurseries tend to be better than preschools IME.

I suspect op chose a nursery then cm in recognition that his social skills were lagging. Unfortunately it has backfired in highlighting issues rather than resolving them. Op, what were your childcare needs, do you work and therefore need to find an alternative urgently or could you take him to parent/toddler groups and observe some of the behaviours for yourself?

Just get him assessed; the sooner you find out the sooner you will find support or at least can tell the nursery/childminder he doesn’t have any additional needs; but two settings expert on dealing with lids all the time will know.

I never understand why some parents prefer to live in denial

What's the point of continuing the contract with a parent who won't accept what she's trying to say in the interests of the child?
She can't work with such a parent.

Completely agree with this. I just cannot believe the amount of denial coming from OP

Have you not had the 24-27m assessment with yout HV team? Some issues you mention (not talking, not responding to name etc) could come up in this assessment.sorry OP it sounds like you are in denial and need to seek help.

There is far more than ‘eye contact’ that goes into an autism assessment! My DD is quite high on the spectrum and she can hold good eye contact!!!

This is the problem though, OP seems determined to disregard the concerns that have been shared with her by 2 different settings. The little boy can try a different setting every week but without parents listening and responding to concerns no extra funding can be claimed. No extra funding means no staff to work one to one and the little boy will fall under the usual ratios. Even in a bigger setting with more staff, they don’t have the time or manpower to help a child have one to one support without the correct funding in place.

I’m not sure you have listened here. Nursery said one staff member was looking after him for most of the day- that means a childminder is NOT better, as there is often just the childminder and they have to look after all the children, not just yours. They have to keep all the children safe, and if they can’t do that while having your son they MUST do something about that. I’m on the committee for a childcare and we have had incidents, met regularly to review the behaviour management plan for several months and ended up suggesting a child leave as we just couldn’t keep other children out of harm.
You seem to think it’s a joke to expect a 2yo to adhere to rules. My child turned two a few weeks ago, in their childcare they follow a number of rules and generally pretty well. Putting a hat on before going outside in summer, putting suncream on (badly but knowing they have to and trying), washing hands before meals, sitting in activity time, holding to the walking rope to go on excursions to the park. There would be many more, these are ones that I saw updates on last week. I really think you should listen to what professionals are saying- if your child could do with extra support, the earlier you get it the better.

@penelopepinkbott

I think 🤔 the reason why you are so reluctant and defensive cagey about idea of your toddler child being assessed for speacial needs spectrums
is you seeing your toddler child's behaviour and the potential diagnosis as a reflection on you as a parent as in some kind of failing on your part in some way?

It is what it is,
Just accept the nursery and other childminders knowledge for what it is or could be,

As parents we are all we doing is work in progress based on good or not so good experinces on our own childhood experinces

It's really not just about you, and how you feel it's what's best for your child and other babies or children safety under your childminder's care.!

How would you feel if roles were reversed and your toddler child was a baby under those kind of condition of having a random child putting your baby's welfare and safety at stake.

Yes she has every right to terminate the contract. It’s her privately run business and she has no obligation to care for your child. You do sound a bit in denial about your child hurting others tbh. If it’s to the point that two childcare providers have said they can’t care for him it must be fairly bad. They are well used to a bit of snatching, grabbing, even the occasional bite etc from toddlers as they learn so the fact it’s bad enough to say they can’t care for him is concerning. I would definitely be speaking to your Health Visitor/GP if you can. I hope you manage to get some support for your child in place and you find a provider that can care for his needs.

@penelopepinkbott I say this with kindness (and as a mother of 2 DC with ASD, an ex childminder and a primary teacher) but you sound seriously in denial. They are not washing their hands of him, they are alerting you to the fact that he needs help. They will be able to accommodate quite a lot in their settings but he has to adapt to them, not the other way round. And for some reason it just isn't working. So, now it's time to work out what he needs, how he can best be supported and to listen to the professionals.
He absolutely should not be hitting others, especially babies and he should not be nipping 'even if you think he is holding on... he isn't!)
Ten words is not enough, and they haven't told you that they cannot support him because he has a language delay.

Start the ball rolling. Immediately. Put aside your hurt feelings or disbelief. Early intervention is key and your child cannot do this for himself. It is your duty to advocate for him because this won't go away.