Childminder terminated contract

[penelopepinkbott]

Started my son (2.5) with a new childminder a few weeks ago. She seems nice and my son went in very happily. We've had an email saying due to his needs the care of other children has been compromised and she needs to terminate our contract. She thinks a nursery would be better with more staff. She has mainly babies and says he has hurt them on more than one occasion.
We did use a nursery for a few month but they also asked us to leave as they couldn't meet his needs. Both CM and nursery suggest we assess for additional needs. CM sent a report shoring the milestones he wasn't meeting, mainly communication and language. I disagree as I know he can do more than he shows them. AIBU to think childcare should care for my child? Can they wash their hands of him?

I can see both sides here (speaking from experience with a DC with SEND).

You sound like a loving mother who wants the best for her child. Please ignore all the posters who have suggested you are neglecting him. It is not neglect to not want to pursue a neurodevelopmental assessment at this age. He is only 2 and many ‘autistic’ traits and behaviours can also be those of a normally developing toddler, albeit with slower development and/or other issues which can cause certain behaviours - such as glue ear, speech delay etc. I personally think autism is massively over diagnosed and any child who doesn’t ‘fit’ or who has the slightest delay is referred for an autism assessment.

I was told (or hinted at) by several childcare professionals) when my DC was a toddler that they were autistic. I always felt very strongly that they weren’t and much of their presentation was caused by a severe speech delay and possibly behavioural issues from developmental trauma and serious illness as a young baby. Guess what, I, their mother, was right. They now have fantastic speech (no one can believe that they once had a very severe speech delay and wasn’t conversational until the age of 4) and an ADHD diagnosis. ASD has been completely ruled out as they don’t meet the threshold, yet, if I had them assessed at the age of 2/3 I have no doubt that they would have received an autism diagnosis. Their severe speech delay meant they couldn’t interact with other children and frustration and anger at not being able to communicate meant that they could lash out physically at childcare providers.

What matters here, first and foremost, is the good health and wellbeing of your son. It isn’t clear at this stage if he may have a neurodevelopmental condition, but what you do know is that he is struggling with his speech and behaviour. I would have his hearing checked as soon as possible so that you can rule out any hearing issues and have him referred to SALT for speech therapy. Try and get him into another childcare setting as soon as you can (being honest about his current struggles) as that will help him enormously with his speech and socialisation.

On another thread you said your children are 4 and 6. I mean sure we all change some details, but quite relevant for the discussion if you actually have older children and know what a toddler-baby interaction looks like. And if you didn't notice anything different. Or if it's actually your 4yo standing on babies?

Exactly this - my child’s dad (now my ex) was in complete denial for a long time about dd being diagnosed with autism. He has a lot of narcissistic traits and had this perfect vision of how he wanted her to grow up. It went against his ‘status’ he had built up in his own mind and was worried about what others would think! It took ages for him to eventually realise she has asd and that he needed to get a grip on reality. Op sounds extremely selfish and self centred and seems to have this idea in her head that her child can do no wrong! God help that poor child being brought up by someone with that attitude!

If they cannot handle his behavior, they have every right to terminate the contract.
What do you expect them to do? Terminate all the other contracts and just keep your DS? FGS

Yes just read the rest of the updates.

if you don’t think there’s any SEN then it’s just poor behaviour in which case every setting is always going to terminate a contract eventually.

She has to balance the needs of all the children in her care and doesn't feel that she is able to give your child the support he needs. She is doing the responsible thing by telling you this so that you can a) get him assessed for additional learning needs and b) find him childcare with a high level of support and staff trained in support of SEN. Speak to your Health Visitor and she will be able to start the ball rolling re assessment. As upsetting as it is to feel your child is being rejected, try not to see it that way. It's just not the correct setting for his needs.

I'm autistic and so are my children. We make eye contact, my two were speaking in full sentences at 19 months, and both were happily sleeping through the night around preschool age (not so great as babies but that's babies for you).

I was told by preschools and schools that they were definitely not autistic, so if two settings have told you to seek assessment then it must be blatantly obvious.

Please get your son the support and help he needs. Early diagnosis and support is life changing.

The CM fair enough, but I'm shocked the nursery also stopped your son attending. I've a friend whose son is similar to yours but actually 2 years older and the preschool he attends has never terminated his place there. Perhaps nursery is different becuase they look after babies as well, and therefore things will be better once your son qualifies for a preschool OP. You'll likely get more guided support for assessments etc. then as well if needed.

Wow! No wonder the child is behaving this way when this is the standards he’s being parented with. Two separate professionals have now said there is an issue and it needs looking further but you look to blame them instead. Poor child!

My friend was a childminder who looked after a child, who very clearly had additional needs.

His parents refused to listen to her. She should have terminated the contract as she wasn't the right person to meet his needs. It got a bit nasty in the end.

I don't have kids so didn't feel it appropriate to say anything but in hindsight, I really should have. She was an amazing CM to children who suited her style of having a busy daily schedule of crafts and activities. He'd have actually been more suited to a CM with a quieter daily schedule and more 1:1 care.

I pray this is a wind-up, or you are one of the most obtuse, uncaring persons I have ever read on MN.

NO--all children, like BABIES, do not get hurt now and then. Just ones around your kid, apparently.

I'm.not sure this is a particularly helpful post
The Op a child may not be autistic but right now he is delayed and two child care providers have said they can't meet his needs
this alone warrants assessment

Assessment doesn't necessarily mean he will.get a diagnosis.

Yep an autism assessment is quite a lengthy process. A child psychologist was involved with assessing my ds, plus assessed by a multidisciplinary team and also involved me filling in an extensive questionnaire and speaking to a professional and input from staff at nursery and school. A lot of the decision comes down to the mannerisms of the child and how they present in various settings, if they are delayed in certain areas, how they play and interact with other people. They don’t just say “oh your child has good eye contact so must not have autism”.

As a mum of an autistic child, there is a reason it'sa spectrum, some autistic children point and have eye contact, some do not, some are non verbal, some have amazing language skills. Two providers told you they are concerned, you could hide your head i nsand and continue living with denial, or you oculd see support for your child NOW.

Don't all kids get hurt now and then? It's not like he was deliberately going up to them with a cricket bat. He just stood on them or hit them with a toy when he was playing.

The fact that you typed this out and thought 'yeah, that's fine' is worrying. For your child as well. I hope you listen to the professionals eventually.

Is this so e kind of wind up? Can anyone possibly be this oblivious?

@penelopepinkbott
"Don't all kids get hurt now and then? It's not like he was deliberately going up to them with a cricket bat. He just stood on them or hit them with a toy when he was playing.
When we pick him up he nips us and he did that to the CM too. I think he just likes to 'hold on' to us."

Yes kids can get hurt now and then in childcare settings but not in the way you have described.

We have had quite a few accident forms for my boy - only 2 have had another child involved. They had issues with another child biting and they took it very seriously and worked to stop it, which it did.

Many of the accidents I have had reported to me from nursery are more solo accidents - not paying attention, being overconfident when copying older children. Or this weeks which was when told to slow down while running he tripped over his own feet.

So yes in childcare kids will get hurt from time to time - same as at home. But not stood on or hit with a toy

I agree on the rules.

Nursery will say it's not perfect but at 2 they will generally understand what the 'rules' are and even if don't get it 100% they will be following rules and routines most of the time.

Generally rule following is better in childcare setting than at home as they are also copying their friends

Sorry to interject. Reading the OPs posts, they just seem determined to pass the child from provider to provider and haven’t really shown any ‘willingness’ for want of a better word to raise concerns at all with health professionals about their DS’ needs. Whilst I haven’t said the OP is neglecting their child per see it can appear neglectful to not get health professionals involved at this stage, when more than one person has said their DS has needs. Sadly, some professionals see this as a red flag for neglect, and will raise it with social services if they feel it warrants it. I can see the OP want the best for her DS but denying there are some needs at this stage is concerning, especially dismissing the fact that their DS ‘stood’ on babies as normal!

the way you have described your son reminds me of mine, he's 5 now but he does have autism, its not high on the spectrum, he can talk properly now but is delayed in a few areas. He was my first so I didn't know what was "normal" but my daughter who is 4 was way beyond him in certain areas so I see it now, Nursery's were also hard for me to find for his needs and school are now wanting a 1 to 1 for him, he isn't badly behaved and never hurts anyone he just needs extra attention and extra help to understand.

Both my children had speech delays that required speech therapy, as teens they were diagnosed as ASD (one with ADHD). Neither were asked to leave care settings and responded really well in nursery and activities. I think there is more going on here than speech issues and whilst you may be reluctant to take this on board, you are your child’s protector and advocate.

You have an opportunity to seek help and support for your DS now which will prepare him for school. It was exhausting for me as I had 2 under 5 with SEN needs as a result of SLT needs and, at that time, ASD that we were oblivious too. But we fought fiercely for them, got support from their HV and GP. They have had hiccups at school, particularly around social relationships and anxiety, but both have done well (GCSEs all 7+) - it was only possible because we stepped up and advocated for them as soon as we knew they were missing milestones (and, bizarrely ahead o others, like walking at 8m!)

I would speak to both former health care providers and get as much detailed feedback as possible and reach out to your HV and GP. He needs an assessment (private is much quicker if you can find the money).

There are great local/national SEN organisations you can contact when you have an idea of what the issue is (ASD, ADHD, Sensory processing disorders etc) and with their help get your DS back on track with the best possible chances of reaching his potential. Plus support for you.

You’d be surprised. The previous setting my son attended ‘suspended’ him. When we sought support they refused to engage with us. We moved him to another nursery nearby who are fully supporting us with my sons needs and told me recently there are multiple other children from his previous nursery who are in the same situation as us! It’s been an awful 12 months and I say that as a person who works in education and has for nearly 20 years!

Yes you are denial as everyone has said, there is no shame in having a SEN child.

please grow a pair and get your son the help he needs and also, based on your denial I would highly suspect you have not told your HV the full story.

Place yourself in my shoes where Im in the opposite boat, my child and several others have been hit several times by a new child at a large child-minders where she has additional staff. Sadly, I’m left in the position of deciding whether to remove my child because of that as my cm won’t get rid of the child. which is imo not protecting all the other children and why should several parents have to find other childcare because a parent won’t get their child assessed rather than pass them round several nurseries because they don’t want to listen to the professionals which would mean they go to the correct child care

It’s an awful feeling seeing your child come home injured because of another child.

100%

My friend had a little boy then a girl. I helped out at playgroup the only way her son was allowed to stay is if I shadowed him 1 to 1. He was a big boy would turn on a sixpence going from joining in at the play kitchen to braining another child with a plastic saucepan.

My friend got very stressed so I said go for a walk with your daughter in the pram, I'll watch him. Luckily my son played nicely.

After two hours my nerves were shredded anticipating his next move. Other mums gave me a break for a cuppa.

@penelopepinkbott your child has a problem you must recognise for his sake.