Childminder terminated contract

[penelopepinkbott]

Started my son (2.5) with a new childminder a few weeks ago. She seems nice and my son went in very happily. We've had an email saying due to his needs the care of other children has been compromised and she needs to terminate our contract. She thinks a nursery would be better with more staff. She has mainly babies and says he has hurt them on more than one occasion.
We did use a nursery for a few month but they also asked us to leave as they couldn't meet his needs. Both CM and nursery suggest we assess for additional needs. CM sent a report shoring the milestones he wasn't meeting, mainly communication and language. I disagree as I know he can do more than he shows them. AIBU to think childcare should care for my child? Can they wash their hands of him?

I’ve previously managed nurseries and also taught in primary schools for 20 years.

As a rule staff are ALWAYS extremely cautious about warning parents of potential ASN. The fact that a CM and a nursery have mentioned this speaks volumes. While we are technically not allowed to say, “Your son has X, Y,Z” you can bet from their extensive experience they know!

You can bury your head in the sand and think “He says 10 words at home” or whatever else but the bottom line is hundreds of two year olds have been in their care. They are professionals. Ignore them at you and your son’s peril.

Mostly sounds like your child has SEN that you are not ready to accept and it’s not going to work for him in a regular childcare setting. Probably best to explore different options that are more suited to his needs.

Of course she can. She has ratios and other kids. If a child has SEN he needs more support to keep him and other kids safe.

Really not kind! And totally uncalled for.

Yes, more often than not one or both parents of a child with ASD/SEN needs has one too, but often they’ve gone through life oblivious (I did) and it’s not until years down the line, once you are educated on the nuances of the diagnosis and are speaking to professionals about your own child, that the penny drops.

However, it is not anyone’s place on this thread to diagnose. Or to offer insults as, presumably, a better explanation.

There seems to be more and more people urging OP to try a different nursery, one that is more able to care for her son’s needs. Unfortunately, the sad fact is that without additional funding their hands are pretty much tied. Yes, reasonable adjustments can be made but they still have to work to the same ratios. If OP is determined to ignore concerns that have been raised because she doesn’t agree with them just means the little boy is likely to be passed from pillar to post in the slim hope of finding a setting with enough staff to cover one to one care. There is a childcare crisis at the moment, settings are struggling to employ and retain staff.

Its hard for a setting to help if parents stay in denial, things they do at the setting are likely not to be mirrored at home because parents disagree. They can try and help as much as possible but this needs to be in partnership with parents.

the settings have brought up the child’s lack of speech, lack of understanding when he has soiled his nappy, hurting the other children and biting the childminder. The OP seems to think this is ‘normal’ behaviour which is worrying.

You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink.

The childminder has every right to say she cannot meet his needs.
She has a duty of care to all the children including the babies he has stood on
If two settings who deal with hundreds of two year olds have said he's somewhat different to his peers then although it's hard to hear, try to see it as a blessing in disguise.
The earlier you start the ball rolling, the more likely it is for him to be placed in a school able to meet his needs when the time comes
IMO you would be doing him a disservice if you ignored this

I am the parent of children with a variety of added needs impacting each differently. Here's my 2 cents...

• Two professionals with much experience have let you know they think there is something more going on for your dc. This isn't personal, this is about your dc getting the right supports
• As dc is 2 you are truly in a great place for early intervention and assessments. You can use nursery and cm's findings to boost the support to get a Paediatrician and other supports involved
• This is going to take you facing your own hopes, expectations and grief, to do what your dc needs you to do to ensure that they thrive. You have a right to every emotion but work hard to move forward and not get stuck.

I wish you & your dc the best.

Just jumping on to add that this is exactly how it started with my DS, even down to the pinching of arms. When he was little, my arms were constantly covered in bruises. I remember pulling up my sleeves in the doctors office one day and saying 'is this normal?' - while my DS, in answer to 'what is your name young man?' - got on all fours and started meowing! Yep, the referral process started that day.
He was diagnosed with Aspergers (ASD) at 5yrs old. He is 'high functioning'. These are now outdated terms but it was what he was diagnoses with so I still use them.

It's very similar of my son too. He is nearly 14 now and diagnosed autistic. What I would have given for people to have believed me then, his diagnosis was given just a few months ago. At 13 years old and in year 9.

She isn't trying to offend you, just thinks your son is better with people more experience

We can all.have opnions ,but if two child care setting,s have voiced concerns about potential issues than that's more concerning and warrant, s assessment at least .

Wow, the CM said she had bruises on her arms from him pinching her. Am I best going through GP or HV to discuss this?

You need to seek an assessment for him now , please phone your GP or HV tomorrows. This is very important as it doesn’t happen overnight, there are waiting lists.

In the meantime , please don’t place him in another childcare setting , keep him at home with you ( or his dad ), it will be very unsettling for him to keep trying different places for a few weeks.

Have you take him to toddler groups - the kind that you stay with him and supervise him all the time?

@penelopepinkbott hey op I really do sympathise with you. My son is 3.5 yo and he's in a montessori school, we've had multiple meetings about his behaviour and he's awaiting private assessment. It's really hard to hear someone saying they think there might be something different about your child and its emotional too, you want the best for your kid, and an assessment might feel scary. But it's absolutely the right thing to do given that 2 settings have raised concerns. In our case DS was fine in nursery up to age 3 but has struggled in montessori since. He has no impulse control and has lashed out at teacher and kids - hitting, biting , throwing. We are wondering if he has additional needs and/or if the setting is making it worse so we are keen to pull him out and try something else. Hes totally fine in other settings and plays really well. But to be honest any kind of change and transition will be difficult. The sooner you can understand your sons behaviour the sooner you can settle him into the right childcare setting, with the best chance of him being happy and settled. We find that our son is hyper sensitive, he was fine when he first started school but the last 2 months have been difficult. But ultimately you need to find a setting that can and want to accommodate your kid. Your kid is not bad and its important he's not in a setting where he feels any sense of shame for how he feels, because that can set him backwards as we have found out.

Good point. There is a troll that regularly makes threads like this always with a side-link to autism in the hope it will get all the arseholes that hate ND people frothing at the mouth and make those of us with autism or who are parents of kids with autism feel like shit.

Yup. Even schools can do this if they believe they aren’t meeting his needs.

No of course she’s not BU if he’s hurting other children and she can’t handle it. Do you expect her to compromise their safety? I would take her advice and think about what she’s said. The fact 2 childcare providers have said the same thing makes me think you are in denial

I haven't rtft, but I've seen a few responses from other posters and your reluctance to get help and support for your child. My DS was diagnosed at 10. Despite having speech therapy at 3, 7 and 11 - it was never picked up. It was his year 5 teacher who spotted signs and asked us to consider getting him checked. A physiotherapist noticed his walk. His yr4 teacher said he was 'just lazy'. He missed out on years and years of support at school, because no one told us of his struggles. Autism has a wide spectrum of signs and symptoms.

I work with children with SEN, and their signs and quirks vary from one child to the other. My DS has signs that are subtle, and others that sceeam autism. Getting my son diagnosed, put me on the path of getting my own diagnosis as an adult and realising that my childhood didn't have to be the way it was, had someone pointed it out to my parents that maybe there was something a bit different about me!

Don't let your child struggle!

I would speak to.the health visiter and ask for referral to the community paediatrician
Portage might be help full too ,at this age
My son is nearly 14 and still pinches and bites at times he's severely autistic [I'm not in anyway suggesting your son is) and non verbal so it's often due to frustration.

This is awful. Including OP responses.
I lost my best friend over the behaviour of her son who she refused to believe was a danger to others and had questionable behaviour. Childcare and teachers told her the same, but she’d spout the same stuff.
Years later he is like a loose cannon at high school and he doesn’t get help with his behaviour as she doesn’t want to see a problem with her lovely boy. Terrible. OP I hope you’re taking these things on board. Not least, it is NOT NORMAL for kids to get hurt like that! Wtaf

And those are 2 of the traits of being on the spectrum, even at his age. I would advise you to speak to your GP and try to contact a health visitor to discuss your experience so far. It might also be helpful to have a look at Autism UKs page and join its forum. If he is autistic /ODD / adhd the sooner he's assessed the better for his sake as well as yours. The assessment can rule conditions out as well as diagnosing them but the process takes so long its best to start now. It could even be a phase he will grow out of but it will help to have the correct information. I'm not criticising anyone here but have been through a lot with mine. He can be loving, cuddly and a joy to be with but he can be very challenging at times. Best wishes to you and your family

Has he had his two year check? Do you have any friends with children of similar ages?

If it was only the childminder who'd raised concerns I wouldn't be worried- I have a friend who is a childminder and she thinks every child who misbehaves has ADHD.
A nursery also bringing up additional needs though would make me think twice- he's very young and it might not be anything but I think it's something you should look into- early intervention is always the best thing.