Childminder terminated contract

[penelopepinkbott]

Started my son (2.5) with a new childminder a few weeks ago. She seems nice and my son went in very happily. We've had an email saying due to his needs the care of other children has been compromised and she needs to terminate our contract. She thinks a nursery would be better with more staff. She has mainly babies and says he has hurt them on more than one occasion.
We did use a nursery for a few month but they also asked us to leave as they couldn't meet his needs. Both CM and nursery suggest we assess for additional needs. CM sent a report shoring the milestones he wasn't meeting, mainly communication and language. I disagree as I know he can do more than he shows them. AIBU to think childcare should care for my child? Can they wash their hands of him?

You can apply for DLA at any age from 12 weeks ,as long as you have proof of care needs above and beyond that of a typical child of the same age
You can only apply for high rate mobility from three.

Erm the nursery were the first ones to say they couldn't look after him! Don't turn this in to a childminder slagging off session.

@penelopepinkbott

wanting to hold on to you is seeking proprioceptive input, being violent can be because of sensory/communication issues.

By the way my son who presented as yours does - although not as bad, never excluded from nursery - has also been diagnosed with adhd, dyslexia etc too.

Seriously, if there is a chance of it you need him assessed because it gets hugely complicated and stressful later on when school demands kick in…..

Also there’s the point that if you don’t address this and the behaviour continues and escalates that a school won’t take him and you’ll have to home school.

This isn't uncommon. I'm now a secondary teacher with 40 yrs of experience and we sometimes see children who have no formal diagnosis because the parents refused to allow the appropriate assessments to take place.

When I was 17, I volunteered at a local playgroup. I recall one little boy who was clearly in need of a formal assessment. The parents were in denial. He was 3 yrs old, non-verbal, terrified when one of the playgroup leaders dressed up as a Womble for the Christmas party...

I often wonder how he is.

How does he react to a child he has hit or stood on, do you know? Or does he react at all? Is he standing on and hitting others during his play because his oblivious to them being there, he wants them out of his space, he wants something they have? It's often the part immediately before or after the incident that's the red flag tbh, though at 2.5 most kids are aware that hitting another child won't be tolerated by the adults. The nipping when lifted could be sensory seeking, does he show any awareness that it's unpleasant for the person he is doing it to
No one here or in your life is diagnosing him as being autistic, all that's being said is that his current developmental stage for his age is that which warrents further investigation, there could be a seperate S&L delay, developmental delay, lots of things which may mean he needs some extra support or intervention whether that be short term or long tem

Would you want your son to be in the care of someone who doesn’t want him there? It is lucky she spoke up rather than just put up with him for the money. Just move him somewhere else.

Both settings have said they can’t offer him the care he needs. So why would you want him to not have the care he needs???? Yes they can choose which children they look after.

The fact that two separate settings have said they can’t meet his needs means you need to skip the HV and get straight to the GP for an urgent referral to community paediatrics (unless HV can refer directly, which they can’t in my trust).

I say this as a parent of two dc with additional needs, who needed a lot of support at school (but were absolutely fine at pre school settings). I would be very concerned that you are not getting the help you need.

my DC have had, variously, portage, play therapy, SLT sessions for communication skills and separately traditional speech therapy, physiotherapy, counselling and small group social sessions. All accessed via community paediatrician : HV is really quite limited in what they can assess and refer on to.

I think you need to have him assessed. The child minder did say that she would try. It didn't work out and she's terminated his provision. She has to ensure the safety of the other children.

Did you really just say “Don’t all kids get hurt now and then” to someone who asked “Don’t you care that he is hurting babies”
Oh guarantee you are one of those mothers.

I feel for you I really do but reading through your responses to comments really does show that you want to blame the childminder for terminating the contract rather than look at what the issues actually are, a childminders doesn't have separate rooms for younger babies and a room for boisterous 2 year olds therefore it is really important that she has a routine and rules in place for all the children's well-being, if she is moving your child away from the group constantly as he isn't understanding that hitting or throwing are not acceptable and he isn't getting to grips with that then what more can she do? She is the one who has to explain to other parents what has happened and what she has done to prevent it happening again, I expect other children may not be as keen to come if your child is disruptive which will be upsetting for other parents. You seem really reluctant to accept he may have autistic traits so I was surprised to read your comment of " can they just wash their hands of him?" "That's not very inclusive is it?" I suspect if you do get a diagnosis of autism you will just expect everybody around you to have to manage it! My daughter was in a mainstream primary school with a child with additional needs, it was awful she was terrified of him, he was bigger and stronger than her and regularly hurt her by throwing things, putting glue in her hair, tearing up her pictures etc His needs weren't met in mainstream and it wasn't his fault but it wasn't hers either. If you don't think he has additional needs then you need more consistent consequences at home to bring him in line with his peers. He either has additional needs or your expectations are not consistent with his age.
Good luck

Waiting list for initial assessment via paeds are 2 years in my area.

Childcare settings are obliged to provide reasonable adjustments for children with additional need - no diagnosis is needed for this. So a SEN plan/ behavioral plan would be a good start.

https://speechandlanguage.org.uk/help-for-families/ages-and-stages/12-18-months/

12-18 month olds are expected to be able to say 20 words.

Your DS is at best, very delayed.

I'm both the parent of a SEND child, and a childcare professional, who works predominantly in the 2-3 room. Speaking from a professional perspective, we know more about child development than you do. You need to listen to the professionals. If two separate professionals have expressed expressed this concern, there is an issue. Long term outcomes are so much better when children can access early intervention.

Speaking as a SEND parent , you really need to get the ball rolling. Waiting lists are insane. My daughter is 10, her previous schools refused to acknowledge her difficulties, and sent me to parenting classes, but her current school approached me with concerns on week 2 of her being there. It took us 8 months to see an educational psychologist, 10 months to see the neurodevelopment team, 23 months to access occupational therapy and 28 months to get a speech and language assessment. We're currently 2 years into a 5 year wait for an ASD assessment.

Even without the ASD diagnosis DD has 7(?!) diagnosed Neurodevelopmental conditions, some of which I never even knew existed and wouldn't have known the signs of. She will be going to specialist school in September. And yes, she can maintain eye contact, follow instructions and respond to conversations.

Everything has been an absolute battle, from getting underfunded overstaffed schools to acknowledge her struggles and give targeted support, to getting an EHCP and getting the LA to see that she can't cope in a mainstream school. The older they get the harder it gets. Take the opportunity to access early intervention.

You should speak to your HV and request she do an M-CHAT assessment, this is the modified checklist for autism in toddlers. If this comes back clear I would speak to the GP and request a referral to the community paediatrics team to assess for a developmental delay. Provide the letters/emails confirming that your son has been excluded from two childcare settings because they cannot meet his needs, so the GP can send them with the referral.

I know you are against the idea of your son being autistic, but waiting lists for assessments are so long that if the toddler screening comes back positive, I'd consent to a referral because that way he's in the system and if he suddenly outgrows his behaviours you can just ask for him to be removed from the waitlist. It's better than the alternative of things getting worse and not getting an assessment until he's halfway through primary school.

Your son sounds very sensory seeking from your description. I've attached some suggestions of ways to help fill those sensory needs, which may help his behaviour and stop his pinching and grabbing etc.

How are you supposed to have a diagnosis by 3 in this day and age though? HV picks up concerns in checks, makes referral to paeds, 1-2 years for initial appointment, further 2-3 years wait for assessment (in my area). They would need to be on the waiting list aged 0! 😂

What I wouldn't give to have had my DS diagnosed with his additional needs at this age.

Apologies - I have read the ops posts but have only scanned the other posts.

Going back 16 years now, but my son’s first nursery raised concerns after 3-4 weeks about my son. He was also around 2.5 years at the time and was only attending in an attempt to improve his speech and socialisation. Like you, I had completely ruled out autism as he gave eye contact and was affectionate. He was obsessed with Thomas the Tank Engine and still loves trains to this day. We had already seen a speech therapist at a drop in session at our local children’s centre and had been referred to group sessions, but had seen little improvement as he didn’t want to participate with the other children. He had form for this having spent most of the baby music sessions we attended sitting under a table away from the others only coming to occasionally out to grab some maracas. He ended up moving to the children’s centre nursery (the original nursery was in a different borough and could not access much help for him) and was assessed and diagnosed with autism. He is now 18 and sitting his A levels soon and will hopefully he off to university in September.

One thing that opened my eyes to the possibility of autism and brought me out of my denial was the M-Chat test - particularly that he didn’t point. You can download it or better still ask your health visitor to perform it. It won’t take long and will give an early indication if autism is a potential concern or not.

Please don’t ignore the concerns of these two settings and try and get a referral to a developmental paediatrician so your son can be properly assessed and if necessary given the help he needs. This is likely to be a long process and please try not to be brushed off with ‘wait and see’ approaches.

Denial is a useful and necessary protective mechanism. It allows us to function and minimise worries/hunches. To keep going. To protect self from potential upset/harm. @penelopepinkbott very much loves her son,she’s going to have his back and this feels like an unnecessary cruel attack upon her and the child. We all react & process differently and need time to adjust and feel ready to acknowledge something may be going on. Let’s all be kind and acknowledge as parents we are fiercely protective of our children. It’s easier to be instructive & get things done when it’s not your own child as we are observers not participants

@WearyAuldWumman

It makes me so sad.

SENCO at my DC’s school said the same, so many parents say, “no, not my child, you’re mistaken.” And they won’t get them help.

I have tremendous compassion and motivation as I went without diagnosis - until after DC were diagnosed… couldn’t bear for them to go through the same, it was horrendous.

I fear OP doesn’t like the consensus in the room and won’t be back.

One to one care in a nursery setting is not the same as one single person trying to provide dedicated care for a child while at the same time trying to provide care for one or two other children.

You need to get back to the HV and discuss with her what provision is in your area to support children who need additional support in a child care setting, I would also ask if there are parent groups that she knows of locally who would be able to support you navigating what might be a long and difficult journey to get your little boy the help he needs to develop to his full potential.

My son is nearly 14 ,now and was diagnosed at three in his case it was very clear and he has very complex needs
I know waiting lists are much worse now but if the autism is very pronounced surely a child can still be diagnosed at a young age ?

Don't all kids get hurt now and then? It's not like he was deliberately going up to them with a cricket bat. He just stood on them or hit them with a toy when he was playing

JFC, I can't believe I just read this

What utter crap. My son was also showing signs and i was being asked by both his pead and salt to allow a formal assessment not once did anyone mention socal services when i said no.
He was eventually diagnosed with Autism but delaying in made zero difference.

I would go back to the health visitor but he's 2 and half so dont feel pressure for a formal assessment. Intervention can happen without a formal diagnosis.

Sadly my Ex Sil would not let my DGD get support or diagnosis as a young child and this led to awful problems. Please get help now when he is young.

I work in this area - since 2020 referrals for ASD/ADHD assessments have far outstripped capacity.

How would a child get quickly diagnosed with autism if it takes 4 years to see a consultant who can diagnose it without paying privately?