Didn’t think to book bowling - am I the villain?

[DaniRT]

It was DS’s birthday today and he decided he wanted to go bowling and with both side’s grandparents. I didn’t think it would be busy because I called a few days ago and the woman said you didn’t need to book so I didn’t bother.

Fast forward to today and we get there and it’s the busiest I’ve ever seen it and there were no spaces available. Obviously it was my fault I didn’t book and I hold my hands up. However DS was fuming and stormed off swearing at me and every one else’s faces were like thunder. MIL, FIL and my parents were making comments like ‘why didn’t she book? I’d have thought she’d think to book’ whilst scowling at me as though I was the wicked witch of the west. There was a massive atmosphere for about an hour after this happened and I felt like I’d murdered someone or something.

We decided to go to Wetherspoons instead afterwards and it ended up being ok other than my mum making a couple of jokey snide comments in my direction and I felt so scrutinised by everyone despite me being the only person who ever organises anything in this family. I apologised for the mistake but I’m a human being and on this occasion I titsed up!

AIBU to think I was treated too harshly for my one and only birthday mishap or was it fair?

You felt bad enough for your son without everybody else piling on the guilt. Mistakes happen and they should have been helping you to move the situation forward. No wonder your son speaks to you like shit watching all the other adults treat you like this.

If I'd taken the trouble to call I'd have booked anyway regardless of advice. No reason not to and saves disappointment.

If this is the case then she needs to talk to her OH (assuming DC aren't adults). But the one event I wouldn't expect a parent to resent booking would be for their child's birthday. Especially as it would have taken about 1-2 minutes to do so (and she rang them anyway). Sorry but I think anyone who would think this way a tad odd unless there was a massive back story IMO (not that OP has said that exactly).

Speaking as someone who has arranged a zillion family outings and birthday events.

She didn’t book the event because the staff told her it wasn’t necessary.

Maybe a lot of the perfect parents here would have booked it anyway but OP didn’t on this occasion and instead of her family letting it go considering she’s the only who organises anything, they all piled on her.

How old is the son? I'm pretty sure most kids would be really upset to turn up at their birthday event to find they couldn't do it. Like really upset. Their birthday treat is the thing everyone asks about (what are you doing for your birthday? And probably what he's told everyone - I'm going bowling / then they ask "how was bowling" next week.)

I think it's okay to cut a little slack on the kid as his birthday thing didn't happen. Especially ad they turned up so didn't have any for warning it wasn't happening. I think actually a lot of adults would be quite disappointed if they had a special something happening for their birthday and then it wasn't possible.

This isn't to add blame as what's done is done but more understanding of your son...

Which is why I think most people on here have said of course they'd book - anything birthday related especially involving other people so you can't just hang around and wait - you want to nail down to make sure it has every chance of happening.

However your husband could have booked and although I might have said a "you didn't book?!?" if I thought you were organising it. I wouldn't have laboured the point as what's done is done and no point making you feel worse.

I'm only saying this as you asked in the OP and it's worth knowing for future to nail down any birthday arrangements. Either you or your husband...

For all those saying 'YABU I would have booked', please take the time to read the actual AIBU question

AIBU to think I was treated too harshly for my one and only birthday mishap or was it fair?

No, OP YANBU and after the initial upset, to keep rubbing it in is very unfair of your family

I can imagine everyone was annoyed for the lack of booking. An atmosphere for an hour is ridiculous. The grandparents should have been helping to brook the disappointment, not exacerbating it. As a one off, these things happen. Does your ds have a couple of friends you could invite instead and have a do over?

I would learn a different sort of lesson actually. I would have booked, but actually it sounds as if you could do with offloading some responsibility onto other people.

A few years ago, fed up of being the sole organiser for our family, I started saying things to my OH along the lines of "DC wants to do climbing for his birthday this year and invite 10 friends. What do you think?" "Yeah, sounds fun". "Great, can you check the party packages at the local places and book the best one. Or you can organise our Easter trip and I'll take the lead on this, which would you prefer?"

I recognise your annoyance at being the one on the hook when things go wrong purely because you're the only one to lift a finger to make them happen in the first place.

I was really confused as to why people are saying YABU, then realised they’re answering the wrong question.

OP isn’t asking if she should have booked, I think she knows that 😂

YANBU, your family sound very over the top! It’s annoying at best, not worth snide comments and swearing fgs.

I would be complaining about that staff member who told you not to book and say it ruined your son’s birthday. Rearrange for another time. Birthday disappointment is awful so don’t be harsh on your DS.

This. What an absolute mess. Yabvu.

I also would have booked but you didn’t deserve to be sworn at. I hope you’re okay. To the people saying why is it on her, she’s the mum? It’s not going to be on the grandparents, it’ll be on her or her OH.

FFS, great idea, let's get the staff member moaned at as well, like that will really help anything. Irl the staff will probably be told to suggest booking next time. I doubt they'll get a bollocking because a potential customer made a mistake.
I guess you'd be hoping for a freebie by complaining, or the sad face in the local rag for birthday disappointment.🙄

I think their reaction is one of disappointment and of having the plans changed and you are taking it to heart because in hindsight you know you should have booked and feel bad for not being able to do DS birthday activity.

You took the lead on the activity - whether you take the lead on every activity is a different matter you might need to iron out, but you did take the lead on this one, invited people, even rang the bowling place. I would think it fairly common knowledge that Saturdays are going to be busy and whilst you may not need to book for an early or off-peak session, Saturday is always going to need booking particularly when it's the main event for a birthday party. If I turned up at a birthday party and the session hadn't been booked I'd have been confused, although not rude about it.

I would take “you don’t need to book” to mean that they accept walk in trade.

I’m not sure about this.. I definitely think swearing was too harsh but also think if the tables were turned and the OP had asked for one thing (bowling) for her birthday, and her OH hadn’t booked, resulting in this situation, no one would have an issue with snidey comments and people would be saying LTB.

so definitely, the swearing was wrong, but birthday disappointment is awful.

You should have booked. You know this.

I would have booked as despite constantly being told there is a cost of living crisis everywhere I go is packed.

It's not being a perfect parent to book to go bowling on a Saturday ffs especially when it's for a significant event. The member of staff said she didn’t need to book which might have/probably meant you don't have to prebook. OP said she stuffed up, it happens, and she has said lesson learnt.

Did they all 'pile on' or was her DS understandably upset (not excusing swearing) and they saw this and were upset on his behalf and naturally would have asked themselves "why didn't she book comments?" and there was a bit of an atmosphere for an hour? OP's mum shouldn't have continued to make snidey jokes obviously. Maybe OP is feeling a bit sensitive about it all because she felt guilty (as I would have done in the same situation)?

Are GPs aware that OP feels 'put upon' for doing most (she didn't say all) of the family organising? If that IS how she feels - she didn't actually say that.

learn the lesson that someone else can pull their lazy finger out and sort it.

honestly they sound really rude!

I agree.

It should have been put to bed after the apology.

Well I can see very good reasons not to book if organising for multiple people and you’ve been told it’s not necessary - if some of them are delayed you’ve lost your slot, I would have done the same as you.

I feel most sorry for your son in this. The fact he managed to apologise son after is to his credit as that's a big disappointment to swallow to arrive at your chosen activity with both sides of your family and to be stood like lemons is bad.

I would apologise to ds if it was me, maybe you do organise everything but his birthday outing wasn't you taking a stance against that it was just a random error, so that's irrelevant.

The trouble is 'don't need to book' can also mean 'it's not compulsory, walk ins are allowed" and i'd be stunned if you got a date in the diary for 3 different households for a birthday and didn't book it, that's mad. But it's done and sounds like a rescue was scraped together ok in the end.

If you're unhappy at being The One for organising then talk and sort it because if it's your family norm it will just continue as is won't it. But in relation to this that's just a something to make you feel better.

I think the other adults should have handled it with more grace though, to not spoil things further. I'd be baffled why you didn't book but wouldn't lay it on thick, I'd try to make light for ds and your sake. So yanbu