to think you'd have to be insanely naive to believe paedophiles DON'T target single mothers?

[ZoeCM]

I've seen this several times - not just on MN, but on other parenting sites as well. Poster asks when she should mention to a man she's interested in that she has kids, as she doesn't want to attract paedophiles. The other posters act as though she's some sort of paranoid nutter.

Why the hell wouldn't child abusers seek out single mothers? It's got to be the single easiest way to get access to a child. He dates the mother, asks her to move in after a year or two, and then he's literally living with a child. How many women are going to refuse to leave their child alone in the house with their partner/husband now and then?

There's far less safeguarding involved in moving in with a family than there is working with children. And if a child tells their mother that their teacher/football coach/whoever has abused them, the mother will go straight to the police. If they tell her their stepdad abused them, a lot of women will be torn.

It's well-documented that there are so many people out there who were sexually abused by their stepfathers growing up, so why do people act as though this is an urban legend? Is it guilt/denial about the risks of bringing an unrelated man into your children's home?

A surprising amount of mothers know all too well what the risks are and actively encourage it. The uncomfortable truth is there is a sizeable minority of women who use their children to attract men and allow and even encourage abuse in order to keep the relationship (either physical or sexual) and who actively participate in the abuse themselves. There are women who have used well known websites to provide footage / images of them abusing their own children for financial and / or maintenance of a relationship.

When you see women posting on dating sites with their kids plastered all over it, do not assume they are simply naive innocent women. Vanessa George made headlines years ago but there are many, many more than most of the public don’t really get to know about. They are a small minority in statistical terms but much larger than we as a society are willing to accept.

Jesus, what a trainwreck. Any child predator who met the OP of that thread would quickly realise he'd hit the jackpot.

This is untrue and extremely unhelpful. Fingerprints can’t be changed and police will be aware of aliases.

I'm just going by what the police officer said in the interview i posted @pullingthemoff. I am more inclined to believe him than you. Why would he lie?

I work with domestic abuse survivors and deal with these sorts of disclosures on a daily basis. It’s very very rare for nothing to come back from police checks, including where multiple different names have been used by the perpetrators. There are often awful things disclosed. I’m not saying he’s lying about them changing their names but that isn’t always enough to hide them.

I personally wouldn’t discourage people from making use of something that could give them information that could actually save them or their child from abuse and in some cases death, based on one interview.

I know right. That combination of determined naivety, absurd confidence in her ability to quickly spot an paedophile and desperation to have a partner.

The uncomfortable truth about this is a lot of it is due to circumstance and class. People who have been in a long relationship with their ex, both in good salaries, can split and both buy or rent another place to live afterwards. Therefore a more 50/50 or EOW custody agreement is much more likely. Good jobs also mean money for babysitters, weekends away so that you're not in a position where your child needs to meet anyone you're dating.

Compare that to a lone parent with an absent parent or one who cannot look after their child due to not being capable, substance use, not having their own place, being homeless etc. The lone parent could have no family living locally or their family could not be in a fit state to look after their children. May I remind you all of health poverty and the shocking difference in life expectancy for those living in poverty?

So mum A and mum B both have the same need for sex, closeness and feeling loved. Mum A can date and leave her kids with her ex, family, friends, pay for childcare. Mum B is at home all day, she gets no respite from her children, she has no adult company such as work colleagues/ friends, housing association aren't making her home any nicer and now we're expecting her not to date ever again? Is that realistic? I'm not saying whether it's right or wrong but is it realistic?

What needs to happen is more education. About checking his past, about red flags, about not allowing unsupervised contact. Because you're not going to get women to stop needing to be loved. That's just how some women are.

Yes and no. The Mum B scenario can arise from high-earning yet abusive exes who were not married, due to non-existent cohabitation rights

It's not rockets science, but then some women just want a replacement dad they don't want to have to think and engage their brains

Some will shack up with anyone who shows an interest

@WandaWonder but I've met women like that in both well paying professional jobs and in my role in social work in areas of deprivation. Some women need to be in a relationship. I dare so that a lot of those women are on this thread shaking their heads at single mums, they have no idea how they would act if their marriage went tits up.
I'm not a person who needs anyone else but that is due to personality not anything superior.

So mum A and mum B both have the same need for sex, closeness and feeling loved.

Utter bullshit. Desires aren't needs. No woman has ever died from not having a penis shoved in one of her orifices on a regular basis.

You know who has actual needs? The child.

Let's focus on why so many men become sex offenders

Well, given that we’re specifically talking about child abusers, it’s simple: they’re attracted to children. There’s nothing we can do to prevent that. Schools teach kids about the importance of consent, contraception, etc. – but there’s no section of sex ed called “How Not to Find Children Attractive When You Grow Up”, because there’s nothing anyone can do. And the percentage of paedophiles who have the self-control to remain celibate for life without ever acting on their urges towards children must be tiny.

The only things that are going to stop a paedophile from abusing a child are A) lack of access to children and B) fear of getting caught. Living with a child completely removes A, and vastly reduces B. They’re far less likely to be caught if they don’t need to abduct a child to take back to their own home, or abuse them in a public place such as a school. As long as they’re careful not to wake the mother, there’s nothing stopping a step-parent from sneaking into a child’s room every single night. It’s bizarre that there are no public information campaigns about the dangers of moving an unrelated adult into your child’s home, frankly.

I also wonder WHY. What is the evolutionary purpose of this ? Most things to do with aggression and rage and crime are wrong, and crimes, but easier to comprehend. we can understand the motives of rage, jealousy, money. I know that men are still the ones who commit the vast majority of murders and assaults, but I think women can understand rage, control, lust, jealousy, money et cetera. But I do struggle to understand why a man would want to have sex with a child. It's awful. I don't get it. These men aren't RARE, there's a depressingly high number of them? How do they end up like this?

I worked in the criminal justice department for many years and this is exactly why l refuse to involve my children if l date. They don't get to meet my children because there is no need.
I have seen time and time again the mother of victims move a man in she hardly knows and leave her children in his care.
There is a huge nativity on this forum alone, you see women throwing a strop when being told to slow down, they say that they deserve to be happy, don't want to be on their own forever etc. These are exactly the type of women predators will look out for. Women who are hopeless at being alone with low to zero boundaries.

@WandaWonder @CliantheLang as a single parent, I want to suggest that the ''need'' is perhaps less to do with having a penis shoved in to one of your orifices and just as much a ticket to inclusion. Both are poor motivations.

I was never stupid enough to allow a random male into my life just to be included but when you have small kids, you're kind of between a rock and a hard place for a social life. IRONICALLY if the couples were a bit more protective and a bit less suspicious of single mothers raising their kids on their own, there might be less of a ''need'' for a man. But then, nobody really needs a man in my opinion! I'm taking it to that extreme yeh. But when you're good enough for the week days and never included at the weekend, the need may be less physical and more social and emotional. People want to belong. They need to belong. And single parents don't belong. Just a thought from somebody who's been there. I did the hard yards as a single parent for years (and years) and now that my children are a young adult and another (nearly) adult, I feel the freedom to get out there again. But it's a little judgement to reduce the ''need'' right down to a physical need.

I haven’t read the whole thread sorry. I’ve worked in schools and seen women move men in almost straight away and hand over responsibility of discipline etc straight away to these men. Try to tell us they shouldn’t call them anymore but new man as they ‘can’t cope with this stuff anymore’ (we didn’t btw).
Im shocked how many women are just happy to hand their children over to some man with zero thought, just to pass the responsibility over. They are almost always aggressive arseholes and the kids behaviour usually takes a major downturn, but mum takes no part in seeing why.

This. No point keeping the kids a secret, but you shouldn't be introducing a new man to them until you have been steady with him for at least a year, and definitely no moving in for a long time.

That statistic is meaningless unless qualified with the proportions of children who have stepfathers vs biological ones.

There are plenty of arsey wealthy men who want fuck all to do with their own kids once they have split. Some get out of maintenance through various wheezes.

I know several situations like this.

Someone did that further into the thread I think.

But I do struggle to understand why a man would want to have sex with a child. It's awful. I don't get it. These men aren't RARE, there's a depressingly high number of them? How do they end up like this?

Honestly, I think it's mostly genetics. Male sexuality is just fucked-up in a lot of ways, and in the more extreme cases it lends itself to a lot of paraphilias. I don't believe paedophilia usually a reaction to having been abused as a child yourself - if that were the case, you'd expect there to be even more female paedophiles than male ones, as girls are likelier to be abused than boys.

My mum did this. I have really hazy memories but knew the man was not to be trusted and actually stopped speaking. Only coming to terms with the trauma of that. I’d never bring a man into the same house as my DC (romantically) and never ever leave them with any man. Unfortunately even that isn’t watertight safeguarding with f@cked up worthless manipulative, untrustworthy fathers around… one reason women stay with abusive men longer than they should, to prevent them being alone with their DC.

Exactly. So offensive and infantilising of women like we're helpless and can be excuses putting children at risk because it's allegedly unreasonable to expect you to act like an adult and protect your children. It isn't.

Needs are not wants. A child has needs. If someone can't/ won't prioritise their needs then they shouldn't have children.

I am a lone parent. Father not involved. No family help. Still absolutely would never bring an unrelated man into my children's lives let alone have him live jn their home!

If you want to date you can work hard and pay for childcare or swap childcare with friends. Or wait until children are old enough to be at home without you present. The idea that an adult's "need for closeness" should override children's safety and stability is disgusting.

@KafkaVR you're talking about an idealised world ,which is not the world we're living in. Parents also do drugs, gamble, have huge arguments, drink until they pass out with their children present. Should they? Of course not, but it's unrealistic to think they won't because you judge them.
It's about making things as safe as possible for the children in that home. So you're not going to get much response if you say to parents 'don't date until your kids are 18' but if you say 'don't leave men unsupervised around your kids' 'don't put kids on your dating profile' you will have a much better response.
It is unfair that because women are so much less likely to be sexually abusive, this means dads can date with much less judgement from society. It is also unfair that the mums who are judged for dating have often been abused and can't always tell who are genuine, what's a red flag etc.

Maybe more single mums should date other women? Statistically this would hugely decrease risk of childhood S.A.

Trigger warning- I'm going to describe something upsetting so don't read on if this might trigger you.
I used to work with sex offenders including those who abused children. This is how it works: single mothers are absolutely targeted, as are other people who can be used to get access to children. Abusers often plan ahead for years so may target a woman whose child is slightly younger than their 'type' (sorry, I know it's awful). They work their way in as BF or just friend of the family until they are part of the furniture and trusted by adult and child. They then create a breach in the child's relationship with Mum. For example, when alone with the child they might damage a piece of furniture, which they blame on the child. Mum assumes the trusted adult is telling the truth. Abuser then explains privately to the child that their Mum believed him not them, and would always believe him. At that point the abuse starts. And the child doesn't think Mum would believe them if they told her, so they don't tell her, and the abuser has a nice set up with a child on tap with trusted access. For single Mum you can also read Dad by the way.

The point here isn't that a mother should always believe her child's word over a BF or friend- of course most Mums do that. The problem is the abuser manipulates the family so the child never does tell the parent.