to think you'd have to be insanely naive to believe paedophiles DON'T target single mothers?

[ZoeCM]

I've seen this several times - not just on MN, but on other parenting sites as well. Poster asks when she should mention to a man she's interested in that she has kids, as she doesn't want to attract paedophiles. The other posters act as though she's some sort of paranoid nutter.

Why the hell wouldn't child abusers seek out single mothers? It's got to be the single easiest way to get access to a child. He dates the mother, asks her to move in after a year or two, and then he's literally living with a child. How many women are going to refuse to leave their child alone in the house with their partner/husband now and then?

There's far less safeguarding involved in moving in with a family than there is working with children. And if a child tells their mother that their teacher/football coach/whoever has abused them, the mother will go straight to the police. If they tell her their stepdad abused them, a lot of women will be torn.

It's well-documented that there are so many people out there who were sexually abused by their stepfathers growing up, so why do people act as though this is an urban legend? Is it guilt/denial about the risks of bringing an unrelated man into your children's home?

This is a really interesting point. It must be quite hard to have a loving, trusting relationship with someone whilst also keeping them away from your kids incase they're a paedophile. What else can you do though? The best way to protect your kids is to deny access, I don't think that's really up for debate.

I understand, of course. I just think women should consider that all men are a potential risk, not just men they’re dating. Their husbands, brothers, sons, fathers, uncles, family friends, sports coaches, teachers etc could all be perpetrators.

Nobody is denying that women should be careful who they allow access to their children, but it’s not as simple as “Keep your kids away from men you’re dating and they’ll be safe”. Mumsnetters demonise all step-parents, but play down the risks from other demographics (ie. Being happy to let their child attend sleepovers when they don’t know the parents well).

Saying that paedophiles are likely to be attracted to single mothers is not the same as saying most of the men attracted to single mothers will be paedophiles.

Following.

I don't think the paeodophiles are attracted to the mothers @MereDintofPandiculation - it's the children they're attracted to, but they groom the mothers as well as the children

The other posters act as though she's some sort of paranoid nutter.

Yep, I also see this all the time on MN. I don’t even understand why people take the risk and I’m always happy to see mothers taking the time to be cautious. Why the hell shouldn’t they?!

Nobody is denying that women should be careful who they allow access to their children, but it’s not as simple as “Keep your kids away from men you’re dating and they’ll be safe”.

This is a bit of a straw man - absolutely no one has said that.

I think it's a bit like 'abstinence is the best contraception'- 100% true but not realistic for most people, so you need to think about other ways of guarding as well.

Statistics show that 3 to 5% of men are pedophiles.

Many child molesters also aren't pedophiles.

I married a man and had two children with him.
He ended up being a child sex offender and re-offended times and times again. He had no attraction towards children per say, he offended because he craved that feeling of domination and power dynamic. They're more likely to find that in a more "vulnerable" household.

So I think YANBU, OP

This is why I've made an active choice to remain a single parent until my children are grown up. It isn't martyrdom, I just see.how many horrifying things are done by step parents and don't want to go there.

Sorry, I’m explaining this badly. I mean that yes, sex offenders will groom people (usually women but not always) in order to gain access to their children. But that may not necessarily be women they’re dating.

Yes, I totally agree.

Realistically you child will have relationships with men as teachers, scout leaders, family friends, friends parents etc. You can't realistically keep your child away from all men (and women of course because whilst it's rare it's not unheard of).

Empowering the child themselves to have boundaries and hold them and always report anything untoward is obviously absolutely key. In fact, probably the most important aspect of all.

Me too. When the kids were young and I was a single parent I just focussed on them and on getting my career into shape so that when the kids were 18 and all the child related money stopped that I was in a position to support myself.

When they'd left home I got a lovely boyfriend and had a great relationship for 5 years before it ended. I have no regrets that I waited.

Why isn’t it realistic not to introduce your children to men you are dating?

Me too. Done it for the last 15 years. To be honest I'm happy with it anyway, being single is not terrible.

It's scary but not surprising.

Although mumsnet does seem to be very against step parents.

There was a man who worked at my ds nursery when ds was a baby. I was totally uncomfortable with it if I'm honest. If I'd posted that on here I'd have been ripped apart I'm sure.

There will be male family members, scout leaders, sports coaches, teachers and even biological fathers that will be a risk to your children.

and women of course because whilst it's rare it's not unheard of).

It isn’t that rare in my experience- of the 6 paedophiles/csa perpetrators I have known in my personal life, 2 were women, so a 3rd of them.

Women who are discussing this who aren't single mums make me uncomfortable. It's an uncomfortable truth that a lot of biological fathers are predators too. What are we going to do? Not allow fathers near their children.
A brother, uncle, nephew, neighbour, could equally be an abuser. The key is to get to know people before you leave anyone with your children. And by that I mean years of getting to know them before you even leave them with your kids to pop to the shop.
I don't like that this discussion is used as another stick to bash single mums with.

I honestly don't feel that this thread has bashed single mums in any way.

No one is bashing single mums- the comments about what is sensible/naive are about introducing men quickly to their kids, not dating.

I have the same opinion about people who let their kids sleepover here there and everywhere, let the neighbours they have known for 10 minutes babysit, presume the ballet teacher is safe because they have been dbs checked.

yes i agree there was a thread on here the other day and posters told op she obviously wasnt ready to date if she was worried about paedophiles 🤦‍♀️ though saying that i dont believe single mums shouldnt date again and not all of us get days off so will have to eventually introduce someone to our children

This was fairly local to me a good few years ago. Luckily most Mums wouldn’t allow this. I think this type of offender will try and attract women they can manipulate

https://www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/mum-locks-young-girls-bedroom-5546343

It's my main reason for staying single. I just cant risk it. The chances are so high and before people say there not, they are

My sisters boyfriend was recently sent to prison for being a peadophile. No he had never been alone with my children ( hed only met them twice ) she'd been going out with him for a year!

He was popular, nice, charming. You would of NEVER thought he was capable.

Before that I was single because I know I'm vulnerable and I know predators of any kind would be attracted to me because of my circumstances and young children. I used to secretly tell myself I was being daft and maybe one day I'd meet someone lovely. Then he got sent to prison and it cemented for me that it is just not worth the risk.

I'm happy being single which is fortunate but what helps is knowing that most men, if not abusive are shit in some sort of way

I really think csa by fathers is way under reported. I know 2 women who have fled and reported to police when their children disclosed sa. Both have been given primary resident parents by the courts. One judge told threw ss off the case and is not allowing the children to have therapy despite the children still reporting the abuse to the school.
I am happily single and I have no intention of dating until my son is at least 15 plus (he is 5 now) and is adult size and almost mentality.

I'm so sorry