to think you'd have to be insanely naive to believe paedophiles DON'T target single mothers?

[ZoeCM]

I've seen this several times - not just on MN, but on other parenting sites as well. Poster asks when she should mention to a man she's interested in that she has kids, as she doesn't want to attract paedophiles. The other posters act as though she's some sort of paranoid nutter.

Why the hell wouldn't child abusers seek out single mothers? It's got to be the single easiest way to get access to a child. He dates the mother, asks her to move in after a year or two, and then he's literally living with a child. How many women are going to refuse to leave their child alone in the house with their partner/husband now and then?

There's far less safeguarding involved in moving in with a family than there is working with children. And if a child tells their mother that their teacher/football coach/whoever has abused them, the mother will go straight to the police. If they tell her their stepdad abused them, a lot of women will be torn.

It's well-documented that there are so many people out there who were sexually abused by their stepfathers growing up, so why do people act as though this is an urban legend? Is it guilt/denial about the risks of bringing an unrelated man into your children's home?

YANBU.
RIP Madeline Soto.

Also, porn sites front page videos reflect what is most popular and they are absolutely littered with "stepdaughter" and "step sister" titled videos.

Occasionally step mother ones, but the above are really noticeable.

It's clearly one of the most popular porn themes. It says a lot.

Let's focus on why so many men become sex offenders

Why do you think so many men "become" sex offenders ("become" because many are sex offenders from boyhood)?

And do you really think they can be educated out of it?

That's like trying to make a predator vegetarian.

And criminally, when they do, they aren’t believed. Esp if the perpetrator is an ex. Then it’s down to the child to voice it themselves, which they very often don’t. It’s absolutely wrong

I wasn't agreeing with you.

Are you slow? It's called sarcasm 🙄

Same as @Beezknees & @Mumma2024 I left my kids' dad when they were toddlers. I always felt staying single was best for them. I did date one man before the pandemic, but he was never here without me. Sadly, devastatingly, his niece was abused by a stepdad figure (who is in prison now).

A lot of single mothers feel excluded and shamed for being single. I felt that at times. Not good enough for the weekend. I think it'd be nice to see a world where couples and singles mixed together, it'd protect children and single mothers. I know you can't make people include single mothers to the point where they're less motivated to couple up for the sake of it though.
Although, I realise my assumption there. I'm assuming that the abusing step father types were settled for by women with a low bar but I guess it coukd be the case that discerning women were left extremely shocked.

Even if the child does voice it, they are often ignored/ it has no realistic chance of prosecution. The only effective method of minimising the risk to a child is not to expose them unnecessarily to situations with elevated risks.

I worked in child protection and sex offenders definitely target single mums, especially the more vulnerable ones.
At one point the local hospital “rehab” group for sex offenders was run at the same time as an anorexia support group for mums in the room next door.
Several women were targeted by the men and formed relationships.
I then had the task of telling the women involved the exact details of the offender in questions past and making it clear to them that their child would be at risk if they allowed the male into the home.
Sadly some of these women were so taken in by these men that they refused to accept reality and their children were then on the at risk register.
One woman argued with me that it was quite safe because although her new boyfriend had raped a 7 year old girl previously and been in prison her child was a little boy so the boyfriend wouldn’t fancy him.

I stand by what I said as a society it is easily to victim blame, we do it all the time, this thread about single mothers has tones of it.

If a child is abused by their mother's partner, then the mother is not the victim. The child is. Children have no control over whom their mother moves into their home. In fact, if a woman posts on MN that her child has asked her not to move her boyfriend in, the response is almost universally that the child is being selfish and spoiled, and that if she listens to them she'll be "letting a child run your life". It's crazy, when you stop to think about it.

They will wait years for their end goal. But they are probably also abusing some other child whilst patiently grooming the children in the family. They have to get their "fix" from somewhere.

Just wanted to point out to posters that Clares Law and Sarahs Law are meaningless.

As the police officer said in the interview,, as soon as preditors get a conviction, they change their name by deed poll, get a passport in their new name and pass a DBS check in their new name.

Unfortunately even after a lengthy and costly (prohibitively so) court case, if they are fathers they are invariably still given visitation rights, and usually more… and even placed into the custody of the abuser if the mother if somehow unfairly targeted (alienation etc). I am still in shock over this.

You mean if a father is on the sex offender registry?

It's actually possible to check this information so you can see if they have been caught before you introduce to your children, but remember it's only whether someone has been caught! Same with dbs for work. We still have to safeguard our children and that does mean introducing and looking for red flags.

The good news is whilst it's always a worry, the vast majority of men are not this way, they may have other faults but not that

yANBU OP. There was a disturbing thread on here recently where a single mum wanted to start dating and bringing men to hers ( with her kid there) to shag. Apparently she had not considered paedophile, thought she could spot one and throw him out anyway. Some other posters agreed with her that those raising concerns were ‘hysterical’ about paedophiles.

That level of naivety and dismissal of safeguarding is astonishing.

Can you link the thread? Would be surprised anyone would agree it's ok to bring men over whilst the children are IN the house?

Yes! Supervised visitation in a contact centre most usually, but still! I find it unbelievable

Absolutely disgusting...

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5022627-to-start-dating-and-quickly-introduce-my-one-year-old?page=4&reply=133573468

This.

And don't underestimate the average pedophile's skill at manipulation once he gets a foot in the door, which means there's a high likelihood of her not holding him accountable or doing the right thing for her children.

SA is about power and control, and pedophiles exercise power and control in a great many subtle ways, often investing considerable time and effort grooming their victims. They also groom the victims' parents.

So true.

The privilege of men is nowhere more clear than in the family courts. It is a scandal.

I worked in a child protection department for years. They do target single mums - it can be the easiest route.🙁

I agree op, what I find really worrying is when mothers on dating apps have pictures of their children in their photo, it makes it so easy for a pedo to swipe through looking for potential victims at the click of a button. I don't understand why those mothers can't see the risks?????

Even if they do report it, it's done isn't it, it's actually happened.