to think you'd have to be insanely naive to believe paedophiles DON'T target single mothers?

[ZoeCM]

I've seen this several times - not just on MN, but on other parenting sites as well. Poster asks when she should mention to a man she's interested in that she has kids, as she doesn't want to attract paedophiles. The other posters act as though she's some sort of paranoid nutter.

Why the hell wouldn't child abusers seek out single mothers? It's got to be the single easiest way to get access to a child. He dates the mother, asks her to move in after a year or two, and then he's literally living with a child. How many women are going to refuse to leave their child alone in the house with their partner/husband now and then?

There's far less safeguarding involved in moving in with a family than there is working with children. And if a child tells their mother that their teacher/football coach/whoever has abused them, the mother will go straight to the police. If they tell her their stepdad abused them, a lot of women will be torn.

It's well-documented that there are so many people out there who were sexually abused by their stepfathers growing up, so why do people act as though this is an urban legend? Is it guilt/denial about the risks of bringing an unrelated man into your children's home?

I have thought about this topic a lot. Aside from staying celebate or only seeing a boyfriend on your child free nights if you have them, until your child is 18, I think the best things to do are

• make it clear you are clued up about abusers and how to safeguard children.
• never leave your child alone with them before they can talk at the very least
• have firm boundaries even if they live with you eg bathtime and bedtime and dressing are private and just for family members 'as I'm trying to teach him /her about keeping private parts private.' There are no non predatory men that would argue with that. Teaching children that private means private is a good thing.
• teach children about strange behaviour rather than stranger danger, and let your boyfriend over hear this.
• explicitly model and teach boundaries (eg the boundaries song) and practise singing this and using phrases to give or withhold consent all the time, eg about hugs etc saying 'no safe adult will make you cross your body boundaries unless it's a doctor that needs to check your health and mummy is there too'

• ensure your children can describe body parts accurately and talk often to your boyfriend about how you teach that to protect them from abusers.

• teach children the pants rule and about secrets vs surprises.

I don't think a groomer would be as likely to want to choose your family as his next long term project if all of the above was happening

Horrifying.

Nanny cams/ baby monitor with video that records springs to mind.

Like most women wouldn't date a wife beater but many would date someone 'with a crazy ex who made up lies about him
Poor guy he's so lovely'

Because unfortunately there are plenty of these women about. I taught early years and the number of 'new dads' that moved into the family home within weeks of meeting was unbelievable. As a teenage mum myself it caused me great concern .
Recently near me, a little boy died after being left with his mums new boyfriend, of weks, while she worked. That poor baby had awful injuries and thankfully both got time.

This is the exact reason I am choosing to stay single until DD10 is at least 18.

I'm a single mum and I agree with it.

Well obviously.

I decided never to move in with or even introduce a new partner or boyfriend to my daughter after separating from her dad.

To me the potential risk was just too great. I don’t think the risk would be higher or lower with a married “stepdad” or a live in boyfriend. Obviously there is actual blood relative abuse too, apparently at similar levels statistically. I just always felt it would be exceptionally easy for a predator to target lone parents interested in a relationship as a potential source of victims, even on a serial basis. There’s no police checks for potential boyfriends as such and the smart ones don’t get caught. I may be unfair in thinking that but can’t help it. I also think meeting someone via the vacuum of social media/dating site could be an even bigger risk. What do you know about that person, there is no possibility of local knowledge, they can just invent a new background every time.

In my previous job I used to deal with women who appeared to be unable to cope without a partner in their life (god knows why, it was as if they felt invalid without one) and some seemed to move one out then the next one in. They invariably had young kids who “absolutely love INSERT NAME, he’s so GOOD with them” - really made me wonder sometimes.

We have personal experience of this in my family with my ex-SIL and my dniece. Jeez, just thinking and it was 17 years ago now, feels like just yesterday it all blew up.

We know of at least 6 families - single parents and dds - that man affected before/after/including dniece. 3 he has served time for including for SA of my dniece (2-6 years each time, but out much sooner).

With dniece he absconded from police, lived rough and terrorised them for nearly a year (an approach that had worked for him before, when a previous family dropped charges), he was caught, dniece went to court and he was found not guilty. He moved onto another mother and her dd, and after he raped her dd he absconded again, they were searching the house he had been staying in and they found a storage device with evidence to also retry him for dd and he was found guilty.

He has recently been found guilty of drugging and raping another young teen and is in jail again now (the drugging is a new thing, I genuinely believe he is going to kill someone one day). 6 years, hopefully he will serve all of it this time.

The men that do this are very experienced at infiltrating families, grooming and manipulating children into silence, they don't stand a chance. ex-SIL only discovered it when dniece accidently blurted it out in the middle of a heated argument.

Sex offenders do most definitely seek out single mothers, however, they often gravitate towards parents that are neglectful, often because of their own experiences of trauma as children (as it’s easier to groom the child and get access to them), that have substance misuse or mental health problems (as they can be less aware of what’s happening in their home and more vulnerable themselves in terms of grooming) or who have a learning disability. It’s therefore often the case that it’s harder for parents who are dealing with any of the above issues to be on their guard for potential abusers. When an abuser comes in as the knight in shining armour, with their financial and emotional support and offers to babysit and give the parent a break, it’s hard for the parent to contemplate that the person is not their saviour, but is instead a predator.

Well, that 5% by parents is two people, and that 6% by a stepfather is one person, so it actually more than double the risk? (Presuming your memory is correct),

I split with my H last year and our DDs our 13 and 15. Hell will freeze over before I introduce a man into their lives.

Have a friend with similar age daughters who finally left her very abusive husband (who she had met and moved in with within a week of meeting) and the first thing she did was go straight into a relationship with another man, blend the families etc.

I don't understand it. I truly don't.

@redalex261 you can request a police check if you are introducing someone to your life that will have access to your children. It's Sarah's law, or CSOD. Of course that only brings up those that have been caught.

Why isn’t it realistic not to introduce your children to men you are dating?

Relationships don't stay at dating forever. After 1-3 years, they're probably going to meet your children.

And if you're a woman with a young child, you're not going to not introduce a man for 16 years. Maybe on want other children and to remarry.

Yes, it's a minefield in many ways. But if you're too scared to introduce a man to your child in case he's a pervert, that's never a good sign in any relationship. Most people are going to end up meeting their partners children at some point.

But that point can be a number of years, not a number of days/weeks/months.

Hopefully by that point you have met their parents/family/mates etc etc and have some extended knowledge of them…

in the same way it isn’t a good idea when you don’t have children not to wait a good while before you have kids with a bloke.

I've just watched this. Bloody terrifying. I'm a single mum and I've said that I will never live with another man whilst my children are young or introduce anyone and this has cemented my view.

The reason for being single for 20 years.

I didn’t want my vulnerable DD being put at any risk in her own home.
Maybe I was paranoid I don’t know.

It's easy to victim blame Not for anyone with the slightest intelligence. What a terrible thing to say @hendoop

Unfortunately, sometimes - and in two cases I know of personally - the children are too young to tell their mothers what is going on.

As a survivor myself (biological father though) this is a big reason I remained single in terms of not cohabiting while my daughter still lived with me/was a child and why I am horrified at how many posts there are on here and examples I know of in real life where mothers have moved a man in VERY quickly into the family home.

I would also say, having worked tangentially in child protection also that I believe there IS A paedo on pretty much every corner mainly as it's so hard to get the bastards caught, convicted and jailed for even approaching a suitable amount of time (but then I'd jail them all until they died!)

DrunkenElephant unfortunately there are mothers inc my own who:

Don't believe their child
Choose the man over the child

Choose their own financial security over the child ( there was a post on here the other day where the mother was genuinely debating whether to take child seriously because she was reliant on the man financially)

I was also recently horrified to see ads for a new dating app for single parents - paedo tool if ever there was one!

Peekaboobo a different expert I trained under also said that the first step of most paedos is grooming the parents/family.

What's the definition of step father? Mum's latest boyfriend is probably a bigger risk than someone who's actually taken on a proper parenting role/married her.

I kinda see your point BUT the latter will have greater access/privacy to abuse

You don't need to live with someone to have*a relationship.

Totally agree

Most women wouldn't date someone who admitted to being a peodophile surely?

Not as rare as one would hope sadly. Again there have been posts on here by daughters saying their mum/the gran has taken up with a known/convicted paedo and still expect to be trusted to /him to be trusted to babysit 'it was a misunderstanding' 'the accuser lied' 'he's not a real paedo he only looked at pics' etc and by non resident dads who've discovered their ex has taken up with one and moved them in (and there's bugger all they can do about it usually!)

As for how long you should wait: I'd say at least a few dates.

Before disclosing you have children or introducing children to new man?

Also, they don’t have to actually be left to babysit- they just need to get in the house with the child.

Yes abuse and certainly grooming can happen in the same room as other non paedo "responsible" adults

Mumsnetters demonise all step-parents, but play down the risks from other demographics (ie. Being happy to let their child attend sleepovers when they don’t know the parents well).

Agreed. My daughter was only allowed to sleepovers where I knew the family VERY well indeed and even then I was anxious.

I don't think it's single mum bashing, I am just as shocked at blasé attitudes of mums who are with the biological father given my own experience.

teach children about strange behaviour rather than stranger danger, and let your boyfriend over hear this.

"Stranger danger" is now widely acknowledged by experts in child abuse as having done more harm than good!

Like most women wouldn't date a wife beater but many would date someone 'with a crazy ex who made up lies about him
Poor guy he's so lovely'

Yep!

My mum used to say they look especially for single mothers and any women who isn't particularly taking good care of her children. She was right since one of her bf's assaulted my sister...

So don't date anyone then 🙄

What exactly is the point of this thread?

All men are paedophiles?

Don't date men?

Some sort of Public Service Announcement?

Me too, I couldn’t agree more.

It’s very possible to date without moving them into your home. However, I know quite a few single mothers who start dating and within weeks the new bf is staying over with kids in the house, some of which are more vulnerable due to SEN. This seems to be the norm where I am and my stance is seen as more unusual.

When I was online dating (my girls never met anyone I dated, and I'll never move anyone in!), there was a man on one dating site who put his occupation as 'autism doctor'
My eldest is autistic but I have never before heard that job title. His spelling and grammar were all over the place, which frankly made me doubt his credentials even more, and he claimed to work with autistic children.
I reported him but found this scary. You can just imagine vulnerable mothers of ASD children getting in touch

Also, a friend's husband is a neurosurgeon. It's not uncommon for him to be patching up children who've been at the hands of their stepfathers.