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AIBU?

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Original poster

To come to terms with how badly my life has turned out?

98 replies

Appalonia · 15/03/2024 18:40

Firstly I know this is a bit of a pity party, but just wanted to express how I'm feeling. So, some years ago, I had a great life, nice job working for a charity in London where I was well respected and did work that I enjoyed and felt was worthwhile. I got made redundant, so decided to go travelling for a few months, as I suddenly had the money and the time and it's something I'd wanted to do for years.

I was renting my flat in London, so put my stuff in storage in my parents garage, in the Midlands. I came back from travelling, and as I didn't have a flat in London anymore, I stayed at my family home, was just going to be temporary, until I found another job and went back to London.

To cut a long story short, my mum had had a stroke, was left paralysed, unable to move, speak or swallow food and had to go in a nursing home. My dad had dementia, and was going blind. My mum had looked after him previously but after her stroke, he was on his own. I was then his carer for the next few years,which was stressful, isolating and only ended when my mental health got so bad that He had to go into a home as I just couldn't cope with it any more.

He has since passed away and it's been so long since I've worked I feel unemployable. I've lost contact with most of my previous friends from London, as my life was so different from theirs and it was hard to admit how desperate, lonely and trapped I felt, when they were just living their normal lives. I know v few pp where I currently live, and it's quite an economically depressed place, with limited opportunities and v little happen culturally. I struggle to make friends, fit in and most of the time I'm just on my own. I've really tried, joining groups, classes and volunteering but I mainly feel like a square peg in a round hole.

I don't want to say I feel suicidal, but I really struggle to see any purpose or hope in my life and I battle with depression and don't know how to rebuild things any more. I know many people have things much worse than me, it's just the contrast with how my life was and how.it is now, that I can't seem to get over.

OP posts:
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MojoMoon · 15/03/2024 18:45

That sounds tough.

How old are you @Appalonia ?

Justyouwaitandseeagain · 15/03/2024 18:51

Was going to ask the same, how old are you OP?
is your mum still alive in care?
can you start by approaching your GP and seeing if they can get you some mental health support? Our gp has a brilliant mental health nurse and a life and wellbeing coach. I would strongly recommend counselling to help process everything you've been through and start working through a plan for moving on with your life.
do you have any family support? ❤️💐

Lifesucksthenyoudie · 15/03/2024 18:52

I’ve been low before too. My advice is to see the GP urgently and get referred for some counselling. You’ve been through a lot. Break your aspirations into manageable chunks and live every day at a time. Celebrate tiny wins. And hang in there. There’s only one way from rock bottom. Up.

Lemonademoney · 15/03/2024 18:53

Oh bless you, that’s not a pity party that’s just a realisation of how tough your situation is x

Xenoi24 · 15/03/2024 18:54

it's been so long since I've worked I feel unemployable

You're never unemployable.

People always need people who are capable and responsible.

Lots of people have employment gaps for reasons less understandable than yours.

If you explain the circumstances of your employment gap, I'm sure many people would see it as an indicator of good character and responsibility.

You sound like you should move location.

Your life hasn't turned out like anything ...it's still evolving.

Original poster
Appalonia · 15/03/2024 18:57

Thanks all. I did go to see the GP for depression last year. They gave me Prozac but it just made me feel sedated. Which was annoying, as I'd had it in my mid 30s and it really helped. I'm 59 now.

OP posts:
Original poster
Appalonia · 15/03/2024 18:57

I'm just so tired of being on my own

OP posts:
stravagante · 15/03/2024 18:58

That sounds terrible, you poor thing. How old are you? I'm going to echo everyone else.

ToastyToes101 · 15/03/2024 18:59

Firstly, is your mum in a nursing home near where you are now and are you ties to the area?

It's absolutely not a pity party to feel the way you do. I also don't think people these days would bat an eyelid on a CV if you said you were a carer for a parent for a few years. I've recently gone for jobs after a long time at home looking after kids and it literally wasn't an issue at all.

Original poster
Appalonia · 15/03/2024 19:00

Am crying at the respinses. I'm just so lonely.

OP posts:
easilydistracted1 · 15/03/2024 19:01

This sounds really tough. On the plus side, you have work and voluntary experience and are motivated to try a bunch of stuff to problem solve. Volunteering is a really good route into accessing charity work so you can try that again when you're well enough. You also have that experience as a carer. It sounds like your old and current life are completely different but there must be an in between. Is there somewhere affordable that's bigger than your current area and more diverse but closer and cheaper than London? Start off getting well by mental health support, being outside and working your way back to volunteering and generally getting better ever day gradually. In the future you could see if there any lower level jobs you could get locally then build up up to moving to a new place down the line. I think you have to grieve your old life too maybe through counselling? Do you have Mind locally? I have a never go back rule in terms of jobs, relationships, areas as you end up chasing ghosts as in memories of a life that doesn't exist anymore. It's definitely not a pity party, sounds like you've been through a lot

MothersofGorgons · 15/03/2024 19:06

Absolutely not a pity party. It all sounds very hard. I don't have useful advice but I will come back to this thread tomorrow.

RadiatorDial · 15/03/2024 19:06

@Appalonia I’m so sorry you feel like that. You’re not alone on here though. Sending you massive hand holds.

Assuming you can’t move, at least right now - have you looked into any online groups - book clubs, yoga classes, film groups.

Online isn’t the same as in real life but sometimes just connecting with others is enough. Maybe a class to learn a new skill - it could give you a confidence boost. I know these sound frivolous, but they could help.x

JaneAustensHeroine · 15/03/2024 19:08

You are not alone OP!

Caring responsibilities, illness and family demands affect many people and when it happens we lose a bit of ourselves.

Think of things you used to enjoy and gain pleasure from. Write them down. Think about how you can do them now. Can you move to a different area…somewhere that doesn’t represent the past? Can you find an outlet for those skills you have? Can you go to college or university and retrain? It’s often a good way to meet new people.

You are still you. The successful, talented person is still there. Connecting with her again is a challenge but if you find one thing you did then that you can do again, it’s a start. Your future will be different from your old life…it always is…but it can be different from the life you are living now. We can’t recreate the past but we can create a new future so just take one step at a time and make a plan.

JaneAustensHeroine · 15/03/2024 19:10

In summary, it’s about taking risks! The old you took risks…you packed your bags and travelled. You can take some risks again OP.

MIYES · 15/03/2024 19:12

Would you consider reconnecting with a few of your old friends from London?

rustlerwaiter · 15/03/2024 19:12

Do you currently work @Appalonia? My DM felt like her life was going nowhere, she was jobless and the only things she really did were to fulfill the criteria to keep her jobseekers allowance going.

She thought at the age of 59 she wouldn't get another job anyway so it was pointless. However she did manage to get something through the job centre which developed into a full time job. While I think part of her would rather not have had to do it it did make a difference to her having a daily routine and being around people. I think it gave her more confidence.

Diablocircus · 15/03/2024 19:14

You sound like an amazing person.

Have you thought about looking for vacancies with The Stroke Association or Dementia charities? It won’t be big money but your experience would count for so much.

HornyHornersPinkyWinky · 15/03/2024 19:14

I'm sorry OP, that sounds so hard. I totally understand - caring for a family member can really take it's toll: I'm still recovering from caring for my elderly father who had dementia.

He died a few months ago, but like you I feel a bit like 'what do I do now?', and I totally relate to feeling unemployable. I was working in a related role (charity) but need to find something else, so I'm looking for work but have no enthusiasm for selling myself at an interview, and don't want to have to explain what I went through for the last few years - I feel like I'd just end up crying or embarrassing myself. Like you I just feel lost or something.

stayathomer · 15/03/2024 19:16

Were they friends or colleagues op? I’d consider getting in contact again, also starting a hobby of some sort, but one you’ve always wanted to do. And start looking at jobs, you will find something that at least makes you think you could possibly try it x best of best of luck and the hugest of hugs

Ariona · 15/03/2024 19:17

JaneAustensHeroine · 15/03/2024 19:10

In summary, it’s about taking risks! The old you took risks…you packed your bags and travelled. You can take some risks again OP.

I agree with this. You took a very brave decision with the intention of following the plan you had. Then life threw a curve ball out of your control. That's life and it's never easy. You took care of your parents, that's really an admirable task. Please don't be so hard on yourself , you've had a lot on your plate. It is never too late to start over OP.

Original poster
Appalonia · 15/03/2024 19:19

I really appreciate all the kind and compassionate replies. X

OP posts:
whatisheupto · 15/03/2024 19:20

I agree too. Can you move to a city? A fresh start will do absolute wonders.
You sound so lovely OP.

LightSwerve · 15/03/2024 19:21

I think acknowledging how tough it's been and the impact on you would be good.

We do understand cognitively that life isn't fair, but dealing with it still takes a toll emotionally.

You've had it tough. But you can rise again - it just might take a lot of slow steps.