To come to terms with how badly my life has turned out?

[Appalonia]

Firstly I know this is a bit of a pity party, but just wanted to express how I'm feeling. So, some years ago, I had a great life, nice job working for a charity in London where I was well respected and did work that I enjoyed and felt was worthwhile. I got made redundant, so decided to go travelling for a few months, as I suddenly had the money and the time and it's something I'd wanted to do for years.

I was renting my flat in London, so put my stuff in storage in my parents garage, in the Midlands. I came back from travelling, and as I didn't have a flat in London anymore, I stayed at my family home, was just going to be temporary, until I found another job and went back to London.

To cut a long story short, my mum had had a stroke, was left paralysed, unable to move, speak or swallow food and had to go in a nursing home. My dad had dementia, and was going blind. My mum had looked after him previously but after her stroke, he was on his own. I was then his carer for the next few years,which was stressful, isolating and only ended when my mental health got so bad that He had to go into a home as I just couldn't cope with it any more.

He has since passed away and it's been so long since I've worked I feel unemployable. I've lost contact with most of my previous friends from London, as my life was so different from theirs and it was hard to admit how desperate, lonely and trapped I felt, when they were just living their normal lives. I know v few pp where I currently live, and it's quite an economically depressed place, with limited opportunities and v little happen culturally. I struggle to make friends, fit in and most of the time I'm just on my own. I've really tried, joining groups, classes and volunteering but I mainly feel like a square peg in a round hole.

I don't want to say I feel suicidal, but I really struggle to see any purpose or hope in my life and I battle with depression and don't know how to rebuild things any more. I know many people have things much worse than me, it's just the contrast with how my life was and how.it is now, that I can't seem to get over.

What is your financial situation @Appalonia ? Did you inherit your parents home? Is that where you are now?

It's absolutely fine to just want to vent here and to have a shoulder to virtually cry on - you've taken on a huge responsibility by caring for your parents.

But when you are ready, if you can share a bit about your current situation, people here also might be able to advise on some potential practical next steps so that you can move forwards in whatever way you want to. But you can move forwards! That is the important thing

Actually I read one of her previous books about travelling around Afghanistan, a long time ago, but fascinating!

You know what? I just want to be useful again.I was a senior trainer for Victim Support in London. I've trained thousands of volunteers and professionals to support victims and witnesses of crime, especially victims of domestic abuse and sexual violence. Even though I wasn't supporting victims myself, I knew that what I was teaching was helping so many women. I really cared about my work and I know it made a difference,which is why I stayed so long in my job.

it felt like a real kick in the teeth to be made redundant when VS reorgonised. Their justification was, I'd been promoted to Senior Trainer but because this post didn't exist anywhere else in the country, to make positions more equitable, I had to take a £7k salary cut, so that all the jobs were there same. I had to wait 3 months to find out whether I would be eligible for voluntary redundsncy. Thank God I was. The only good thing about this was that I found out 6 months maternity they had to employ TWO trainers to do my job!

I've just really struggle d to find anything comparable t I this as a job and feel like my training skills are not worth much in on online world anymore now.

I would start again.
What do you have to lose?
You are not happy there. How about becoming a live in carer by the sea? Or working on a cruise ship? I would grab life by the curlys. It’s now or never op. Time to dance on tables and take some risks. Stagnation can kill the human spirit.

I think you should feel proud of that career and all the victims you have supported indirectly 💐

@Appalonia if you are up to it with your MH a degree might be a really good idea or some kind of further study. Brings you a whole new life at once!

If you are in UK
Look www.gov.uk
Find a job
Enter postcode or town
See jobs & apply

I would also look directly at local websites directly for; shops, schools, hospitals, care homes, charities, hospitality etc
If you have been caring, you will have lots of transferable skills
Do you drive ?

Good luck

Hello from Australia. I can completely relate and hope you can sense that you are not alone. I’m 52, single and have been a carer for the last 5/6 years. It’s a terribly isolated role and I look back on my thirties and wonder where I went wrong too. I’m very depressed also and people here don’t seem to get it. Thank you for posting. You’ve actually helped me.

Not sure what to say other than don't give up. You don't know how things will turn in the future. Events you didn't anticipate have left you in this position. Well life can go the other way too, stay positive, look to the future you never know what could be round the corner.

I feel for you. Something similar happened to a dear friend of mine. You clearly have some wonderful qualities and would be very employable but first you need to work on your mental health and accept what has happened. Sometimes it can feel like mourning the things you expected to happen but didn't.

From a practical point of view, are you tied to your area because of your mother? I was very depressed when I lived in an area which wasn't right for me. I felt like I had nothing in common with anyone. I moved to a more affluent area and life has been a lot better. Its a big village but people genuinely seem more positive and put a lot into the community, because they have the time and the resources. There are lots of community things going on and I've found it easier to meet like minded people. Moving back to London might not be practical but it doesn't have to be London or your town. Could you find a middle ground? Somewhere less depressing where you might find your tribe?

Your parents are so lucky to have a daughter like you. It sounds tough but you're doing great xx

What @dreary said! All of it.

Oh, you poor thing. I have felt similar, although I am happy to say I found my thing - and met more people - its not perfect and it was really really hard to keep trying. I had written off moving again as at my worst I just felt I would not have the energy for it. But now can see that it is in the cards and will be helpful. I am rooting for you - try to remember you are still the same you - brave, capable, strong - that you ever were, you are just tired from life at the moment and it is hard to see. Its all there in you. I hope you can find a way to make things work better for you.

Gosh, OP. It's not in the least bit a pity party.

I have nothing but respect and sympathy for what you've been through with your parents, not pity. And also great admiration for your efforts is such a worthwhile and important career.

I hope you can find your way to feel proud of what you've done so selflessly.

There's certainly no reason you can't achieve even more in your life and fill it with the joy and happiness you deserve. Perhaps you could find some careers advice? You must have some really valuable skills to make use of, given your life and work experience.

@Appalonia I can't offer any better words of wisdom than the PPs, but I wanted to send you a massive hug. It sounds like you've faced some really tough challenges and you deserve to put yourself first for a while xxx

Hi op , you don't have to exactly go into being a senior trainer again. You can transfer skills

You worked for a charity so you can apply for loads of other senior roles, communications, management, organising roles.

Apply and see what happens.
See if you get interviews.
If you don't get interviews for senior roles.

Then apply for mid communication roles
There are relly great communication roles and training roles in lots of different charities in England
.

Also it's OK that you travelled. Just account for travel on your cv. I went backpacking for one year and I put it on my cv as travel. Yhey don't mind. You're explaining a gp on your cv so hr are fine with you writing "travel" on your cv

Are you still caring for your mum op? I got that she was in a care home but you were still involved?
Do you have any siblings?
What about your flat in London, do you still have that?

You have made many many skills, empathy, patience, difficulty, isolation coping etc / it is not too late but I would suggest volunteering and if you don’t like the area and have an inheritance - sell it and buy a buy to let mortgage or someone in a nicer new area - by the seaside etc and rent it out and go travelling. Work in a school in Africa or for a medical programme overseas - what the worse that can happen - you catch a flight home.

OP Just wanted to let you know something, your bloody fantastic, your caring and loving and went above and beyond for your parents.
Also I hear you about the square peg in a round hole, I grew up in the midlands and still have that feeling that they are giving me the side eye if I walk in somewhere for a drink.
Funny thing is, when I’m back in the city I live and work in, at least I know “back home” people have always got time to say hello. Down here the neighbours splutter hello and rush off. Until they want some ‘medical advice’ (no not happening go see your gp).
I feel that it is now your time to grab life and get stuck in, don’t worry your going to do great.
You go girl, get your self back down here x

Please seek a private therapist. They can help you process some of this loss & grief for your old & imagined life, and also help you organise what you do want.

good luck

It sounds like you would be qualified for loads of jobs to me with your experience at work and in your caring role. Perhaps you don't want to be in care and support at this time though? Would working in a support role be too draining at the moment? Do you want to get back in an office?

Why not consider a role in hospitality e.g. a pub/restaurant which is likely to be quite social. This could be just a stop gap if you want to find your mo-jo again or perhaps you would like to progress in hospitality.

I think you should look at local (and national?) jobs with an open mind - just see what you think looks interesting and what you think would be good for your wellbeing

I'm not sure if I have gone off on a tangent as I don't think jobs are the main point of your post but I am thinking that a job is a good route to meeting people and feeling a part of something.

Your skills and experience have not disappeared just because you have had to take a break from paid work for a while.

Sorry to hear this. You sound like an amazing strong person. Things will get better x

OP Google peer coaches in your area
https://www.changes.org.uk/future-focus-south-staffs/

They are really good at helping people who are ‘lost’ and can make suggestions as to how to start focussing and getting motivation and structure back into your life.

You deserve a future. You have put yourself last for long enough.

May be ( is your father alive? ), sell the house and move to a nice city like Norwich - always something to do

Your skills will still be very relevant - first job that came up on a search for trainer in the Midlands. I hope this gives you hope.
https://aafda.org.uk/jobs/Training-Coordinator