To come to terms with how badly my life has turned out?

[Appalonia]

Firstly I know this is a bit of a pity party, but just wanted to express how I'm feeling. So, some years ago, I had a great life, nice job working for a charity in London where I was well respected and did work that I enjoyed and felt was worthwhile. I got made redundant, so decided to go travelling for a few months, as I suddenly had the money and the time and it's something I'd wanted to do for years.

I was renting my flat in London, so put my stuff in storage in my parents garage, in the Midlands. I came back from travelling, and as I didn't have a flat in London anymore, I stayed at my family home, was just going to be temporary, until I found another job and went back to London.

To cut a long story short, my mum had had a stroke, was left paralysed, unable to move, speak or swallow food and had to go in a nursing home. My dad had dementia, and was going blind. My mum had looked after him previously but after her stroke, he was on his own. I was then his carer for the next few years,which was stressful, isolating and only ended when my mental health got so bad that He had to go into a home as I just couldn't cope with it any more.

He has since passed away and it's been so long since I've worked I feel unemployable. I've lost contact with most of my previous friends from London, as my life was so different from theirs and it was hard to admit how desperate, lonely and trapped I felt, when they were just living their normal lives. I know v few pp where I currently live, and it's quite an economically depressed place, with limited opportunities and v little happen culturally. I struggle to make friends, fit in and most of the time I'm just on my own. I've really tried, joining groups, classes and volunteering but I mainly feel like a square peg in a round hole.

I don't want to say I feel suicidal, but I really struggle to see any purpose or hope in my life and I battle with depression and don't know how to rebuild things any more. I know many people have things much worse than me, it's just the contrast with how my life was and how.it is now, that I can't seem to get over.

Depending on your financial situation, maybe voluntary work….as an advisor at Citizens Advice your skills, knowledge and life experience would be so valued

Do you own your own home? If you do, could you sell it / rent it out and move to a sunnier climate where the cost of living is cheaper and teach english or something?

It seems like a big change would be good for you and you seem quiet depressed where you are, you have focused on other people for long enough now it’s time for you to focus on yourself

I just wanted to send you a cyber hug and say I know where you’re coming from. The not feeling suicidal but not seeing the point bit resonated with me so much. It’s exactly what I feel like now. I’ve been my mum’s carer for four years now. My dad died fairly suddenly a couple of years ago and I’m still trying to sort out a difficult probate. My husband has been seriously ill in hospital three times the past five years. My best friend died a few years ago. I lost a long term job during lockdown. And I’ve lost a few beloved pets during this time. I feel like I’ve lost myself. I was so happy and settled five years ago, then my whole life feels like it’s self destructed. And it doesn’t feel like there’s an end in sight anytime soon. But I know there are people a lot worse off than me.

But I echo what someone else said - a job in a pub or cafe would be good for a while. I have a little cafe and my regulars are lovely. Some of them have become genuine friends and have been really supportive throughout some of these tough times. And even though I don’t have much of a social life at the moment, my customers and the little chats I have with them, make me feel like I do.

But keep your chin up. You’re a good person with so much experience. You’ll find your feet, confidence and your path again soon.

With your background, look for jobs with Social Services and the Police. There will also be volunteer roles for people with a background in Victim Support and caring - I know you said you were the trainer, not the actual support worker, but I think your knowledge will be incredibly transferable.

You have had some severe shit happen to you recently. Do not let it define the rest of your life. Apply for jobs, get what you want, you deserve that.

This sounds so tough OP. A friend of mine posted this link the other day, and I thought it was very good: https://actionforhappiness.org/10-keys

You’ve been such an incredible daughter - take some heart from that. You sound like a good person and I hope things get better for you.

Are you tied to the area you are now living in? Can you, financially, move to somewhere you really want to live? You gave up so much to help your parents but now you need to do some things for yourself.

If you want to get back into work your skills as a trainer will still be useful. The methods of delivering training may have changed but knowing how to engage people and how to present information in appropriate ways to different audiences is the same.

There are lots and lots of fb groups in my city for people looking to connect with others and make new friends. There are lots of reasons why we find ourselves lacking friends. You are not alone.

Hi Op ,
I am sorry to hear about what you have been through . It is very difficult when you put others needs before your own and your mental health suffers as a result .
You have been very selfless looking after your parents . As others have said it looks like you aren't very happy about where you live and I wondered if there is anything you can do to change that ?

It's sounds like you have a lot of great people skills but are lacking in confidence . I hope you manage to find a job whether part- time , voluntary etc , depending on your financial situation which will allow you to engage with people more / do something you enjoy .

Take care and I wish you all the best for your future .

OK take time out to just breathe. You are in trauma. Just exist for now.

Reassess in 6 months. Just keep breathing and doing one day at a time

You'll be OK

The woman who upped and travelled the world all by themselves and held an impressive career that helped people is still in there, OP. They've just got lost for a bit because of circumstances and responsibilities.

Have you looked at Tiktok, Insta etc and considered using your expertise on a social scale while you regroup and find your next move? I follow a lot of women in their late 40s upwards who are ploughing through their new lives and they're brilliant!

Oh honey, I can totally relate, pp don't know how terribly isolating it is to be a carer.

There's a book someone recommended to me called 'The Selfish Pig's guide to Caring.'...the title is a bit odd, but I found it really helpful. It talks about the contradictory emotions you feel as a carer, the guilt, resentment etc, and how they're actually really normal things to feel. Also that you're not a trained professional but you're doing a job you have no training for.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Selfish-Pigs-Guide-Caring-emotional/dp/0749929863

I'm glad my post helped you a bit.x

Oh OP I’m so sorry to hear your situation. You sound like an amazing selfless person to look after your dad for so many years. I haven’t read everyone’s replies so apologies if this has been suggested, but have you consider seeing a bereavement counsellor or listening service? It sounds like you’re grieving, possibly still for your parents, but also for the life you once had. And you can have a life again. You just need to find what suits you. You will have plenty of transferable skills. Maybe move to a bigger place and see what it has to offer? I wish you all the luck OP, you deserve it.

Have not read the entire thread.

1. you just sound like the most lovely, selfless person. You looked after your parents and put your own wants aside. It takes a really amazing person to do that and I think anyone who has you in their life should be so happy.

2. I know it might not feel like it, but 59 is not too old to do what you want to do. It is no age now. It is never too late to change things you don’t like. Do you work now? If so, what do you do? Is there any chance you could look at moving to another city - doesn’t have to be London, maybe just somewhere that has a little bit more going on?

or - could you take some time to go traveling? I don’t mean backpacking (unless you’d like to do that!), but maybe you just need some time out of the U.K. to reset?

I can’t imagine how tough this is for you. I hope that you see that there is still a world of opportunity out there for you! ❤️

Your life is not over yet !

Your life has perhaps not been how you imagined it to be so far

Make some plans

Things will change for you, for the better

Hi OP.

Thank you for posting this brave post. I don't have any advice for you but I can validate your feelings of isolation and having been in a similar mindset (but for different reasons) I can concurr that it exists. I can also concurr about the feelings of being lost that can result in feeling like is "it worth it?" or "will this pain end".

Lots of love XXX

You sound like a very brave lady who has had a really tough few years.

Agree with other posters. Mum is in a safe place. Can you get yourself abroad for a while - get some sun on your skin and your vitamin D up. When times are tough I always find it even worse in winter! Take some time to recharge and reset. Have a look at job vacancies, volunteering opportunities, career advice from your laptop while drinking a proper coffee in a cafe in Europe or while drinking a beer in a bar somewhere exotic. You could also look at group trips if it’s your kind of thing.

Take some time to feel free of obligation. You have earned it.

Sorry op, I think I misunderstood about the flat in London. When you said you were renting it, I thought you meant you owned it and were renting it out, not that you were the tenant.

Was just 're reading this thread and am so touched by all the kind comments, thank you all again. Have been clearing out the garage of my parents' home today which has made me feel a bit sad. Loads of memories there, old letters, Valentine's cards, course folders, my lovely cat's catbox, records, cds, even cassette tapes! It's like being confronted by both my old life but also my mum's. All the China sets she kept for ' best', even though they rarely had visitors, old embroidered tablecloths, old newspaper cuttings from the 50s and 60s. It's a lot.tablecloths

Anyhow, this weekend I'm doing an online Tony Robbins course which I hope will give me a big boost of positivity and motivation. Onwards and upwards!

That sounds like a good plan, @Appalonia. Best wishes.

I do not think that your life has turned "out badly", but it may have turned out differently to how you expected it to.

You may have 20 to 30 years more to live

I have learnt over time, as much as you dream about wanting something in life. YOU need to be the one to make plans to achieve what you want. Now luck & being in the right place at the right time, sometimes helps, but some planning, time & effort is required.

Make some plans

Good luck !

Not read the whole thread but the charity I work for wouldn't bat an eyelid at someone being out of the workplace for these reasons. Things will get better, OP.

OP, I know exactly how you feel. I had the same, till I was 40, I had built up the life I wanted, loved my home, neighbour hood, friends, life.

Now I am trapped living so where I hate, lonely, depressed and had another blow that means things are getting worse. Like you, I’ve done all the things you are meant to to make things better. It’s come to nothing.

I can barely recognize the person I used to be and it’s so painful to look at how my life could have stayed.

I’m sorry I have no advice, but just wanted to say you are not alone.