To come to terms with how badly my life has turned out?

[Appalonia]

Firstly I know this is a bit of a pity party, but just wanted to express how I'm feeling. So, some years ago, I had a great life, nice job working for a charity in London where I was well respected and did work that I enjoyed and felt was worthwhile. I got made redundant, so decided to go travelling for a few months, as I suddenly had the money and the time and it's something I'd wanted to do for years.

I was renting my flat in London, so put my stuff in storage in my parents garage, in the Midlands. I came back from travelling, and as I didn't have a flat in London anymore, I stayed at my family home, was just going to be temporary, until I found another job and went back to London.

To cut a long story short, my mum had had a stroke, was left paralysed, unable to move, speak or swallow food and had to go in a nursing home. My dad had dementia, and was going blind. My mum had looked after him previously but after her stroke, he was on his own. I was then his carer for the next few years,which was stressful, isolating and only ended when my mental health got so bad that He had to go into a home as I just couldn't cope with it any more.

He has since passed away and it's been so long since I've worked I feel unemployable. I've lost contact with most of my previous friends from London, as my life was so different from theirs and it was hard to admit how desperate, lonely and trapped I felt, when they were just living their normal lives. I know v few pp where I currently live, and it's quite an economically depressed place, with limited opportunities and v little happen culturally. I struggle to make friends, fit in and most of the time I'm just on my own. I've really tried, joining groups, classes and volunteering but I mainly feel like a square peg in a round hole.

I don't want to say I feel suicidal, but I really struggle to see any purpose or hope in my life and I battle with depression and don't know how to rebuild things any more. I know many people have things much worse than me, it's just the contrast with how my life was and how.it is now, that I can't seem to get over.

I too moved to be with my dying father. I regret it now as it completely changed my life. But hindsight is always 20-20. I also do feel like I did the right thing, and I spent time with my mother when she really needed me. Life is very complex and hard sometimes.

You sound so genuine and lovely OP. You've had a really, really hard time by the sounds of it. You've coped so well and achieved so much in terms of your caring roles.

Do you look after yourself well? I mean just things like eating well, getting fresh air, relaxing, treating yourself to coffee and cake now and then? What do you enjoy? Do you like reading, gardening, going for walks, pets? I'm trying to work out what's missing for you, small changes you can make to improve the day-to-day.

Caring responsibilities, illness and family demands affect many people.

This is the thing - it may look as if everyone else in the world has been forging ahead in life but actually, even on this thread, a fair proportion of the population is living in the midst of a life that didn’t turn out as planned.

What you’ve been doing was wonderful - and you’ll be able to see that one day. But it’s really not too late to build a new future.

What would you like to do?

Btw, might I direct you to this board, which you might find worth browsing:

Mature Study and Retraining board

Op I'm really sorry you've been through so much. Do you have any money now, could you book a flight somewhere and have some time to travel and think? A life coach may also help you find a positive way forward

Yes it is. Me and my dad were never v close so it was hard. Every day with my dad was like Groundhog day. He'd ask the same questions every day, I'd answer him, He'd forget what I said and ask again. Over and over again. Every single day. He didn't know what day or year it was. He'd walk around the house in the middle of the night and pee in everything. It got to the point where it felt like it was him or me. It wasn't his fault but I just couldn't do it anymore.

The day I put him in a home was so awful. I'd finally found a decent place that would take him. I couldn't tell him what was happening, as either he'd refuse to go or he'd just refuse. I told him I was taking him out for lunch. Me and a friend put him in her car, drove him to the care home and just left him there. Came home feeling so guilty.

Just wanted to say, I'm genuinely reading people's helpful suggestions, thank you all so much

Please don't feel guilty for putting your dad into a home. One can only do so much.

Oh OP, not a pity party at all that is so so hard.
you did an amazing thing caring for your dad for many years, and you shouldn’t feel guilty about putting him in a home. It’s the best thing for you both.
I think people on this thread have given really good advice: it’s never too late to restart your life! Would you consider reconnecting with some of your old friends?
x

Meant to say either he'd refuse to go or he'd just not remember what I'd just told him.

That sounds really tough, I really sympathise. I've had a similar collapse in career and income due to exh bipolar and impact on kids. It's really hard. I had a Universal credit appt today and the guy was really nice after I described all the crapness of the last decade.

You are grieving for the entirely reasonable expectation of the life you thought you would have. It's a lot to get your head around. I would also say speak to GP. Anti depressants can really help give you a bit more ooomph and take the edge off the grief. There may also be some social prescribing available which can be really good. Is there anyway you can move somewhere you think you'd find your tribe? It does take time to make friends. I've been singing in a choir for 18mths and only now really would say I've made friends.

Do you have any chance to get out in nature - helps me.

Volunteering around your interests can be much better for meeting people you might get on with eg helping with a community garden.

I think accepting your grief is an important step. Be kind to yourself. Sending very good wishes 💐

When will you be 60, @Appalonia?

Obviously you might not yet have an idea or plan but if postgraduate study is one of the options flitting around your head, you would need to be swift if you’d require a Government Postgraduate Loan. You would have to be under 60 on the first day of the course to be eligible for the loan - which would cover fees for most academic courses.

I know a few people who’ve taken this route to Master’s degrees in their mid or late 50s - opening up whole new worlds of community and opportunity - (even if their greatest earning potential is behind them, which isn’t invariably the case).

It looks like you're in a bad situation, but it's not hopeless. It's useful to realise life is shit now, and see what you can do from now on.

It looks like you're resourceful and intelligent. The shit situation was caused by the circunstances, and not because of any lack of capacity. Which means, it looks like you are perfectly able to make it better.

At least, that's how it looks, from reading your OP.

Being a carer is such a tough gig.

I think the most important thing now is for you to look after your mental health, have a holiday, maybe get some counselling to come to terms with the events of the last few years.

I became my dad’s carer when he was put on the end of life pathway at the beginning of the first lockdown. That was a year after a traumatic accident and he survived for another 13 months. I then spent over a year supporting my mum with whom I have a somewhat challenging relationship. In terms of time I imagine considerably less than you’ve done but I was diagnosed with PTSD as a result.

Have a think about what you want to do for work…maybe you could do some volunteering to see what might be a good fit for you.

I don’t really have any advice about the social aspect as that might is definitely my weakest link - my daughter was worried I would become a full time recluse when she went to uni last year!

Sorry just seen post re Prozac. I find Sertraline much better.

Oh OP, that must have been so, so hard for you. What a heartbreaking story.

You continuing to look after him at home until (for example) you had a breakdown would not have helped anyone.

You’ve had some great advice on this thread and I want to echo what a PP said about life not going as planned. I’ve got cancer; it was treated, and then it only bloody came back. I’m still trying to figure out this whole “life” thing (and I’m not much younger than you) but as far as I can see it seems to come down to acceptance and never, ever giving up. Which is not the same as never feeling like shit and spending half the day crying and wondering how on earth things got this way. That’s allowed too. And then we pick ourselves up and look around to see where we can start to find some help. Just like you’ve done today 💐

Have you tried reaching out to the friends you lost on Facebook? Sometimes we think people just don't know how different our lives are to theirs but deep down they actually do and are just waiting for us to open up.

wow, you’ve had a rough few years. Maybe join a temping agency, so you can dip your toe back into work life without being so overwhelmed at having to stick to anything that doesn't suit.

hopefully you can meet new people and make connections via colleagues too.

I'm so sorry your cancer has come back, that's so bloody hard. Life's just so unfair sometimes. I don't know how you come to terms with something like that. That feels like a real life problem and makes me feel like I need to get a grip and appreciate what I do have. I am really grateful to you for taking the time and reaching out to me. X

I would always reconnect with old friends. Always..Especially after the last few years. I would make time. Don't presume they are too busy.

Not a pity party — that is objectively a terribly, terribly tough time. No wonder you feel ground down and lost. I’d suggest therapy to help you recover and recognise your own value. You’ve been a carer so long you’ve lost yourself.

Does the idea of study appeal at all? Seconding a pp’s suggestion to look into the grant immediately if so.

A slightly left of field suggestion — read Dervla Murphy’s Wheels Within Wheels. She’s a recently-dead Irish travel writer famous for cycling from Ireland to India in the early 1960s, after spending many years as a sole carer for her disabled mother.

You've had a really tough time. But fwiw my workplace just employed someone who has had a long career break to look after her elderly mother. She's fab, great at her job and we all feel glad she joined.

Op. Wish I could give you a big hug xx

Not at all @Appalonia , depression, sadness, feelings of hopelessness are all very much real life problems and not to be underestimated. Depression is a potentially fatal illness just like cancer is, so don’t feel like you should just “get a grip”. I think there’s enough here to help you get started on a plan of action, but please remember that your feelings are valid and you’ve been through a rough time.

My friend (64) went through a very similar time in a similar area (i am guessing- Stoke 0n Trent). She was a teacher, but lost 12 years caring for both parents back in family home. She lost touch with nearly all of us (I have known her since 18) but in the last 3 years she has got back in touch and it is so nice to have her in our lives again. Also, she has got back into her teaching work, learnt to play piano, made new friends. This is just to show you it is possible. We see her regularly. She thanks her local library for helping her when she was desperately lonely. Good luck, you sound so nice and have had such a hard time, but it truly is a world of second chances.