Husband lied about vaping…again

[ScottCheggg]

I posted about a month ago (although have since NC) about my husband secretly vaping for about 18 months. I wasn’t as bothered by the vaping itself as the fact he completely gaslit me when I could see the smoke vapour and also smell it. He made me feel like I was imagining things every single time. The final time I’d caught him, he was doing it in our 8 year old’s bedroom which I found distasteful.

Anyway, I received some advice on how to handle it, so I was very calm about it and said I absolutely didn’t expect him to quit as I know it’s an addiction, but I didn’t want him to do it in the house as our children have previously commented on the hazy smoke so they’re absolutely noticing it too. Above all, I said I didn’t ever want him to be dishonest again, so not to be silly and promise something he couldn’t deliver. He insisted he was horrified with himself and was going to quit.

Fine…except I got home the other day and the utility room was filled the familiar haze and smell. I couldn’t believe it, and I calmly asked him if he’d been vaping again. He said no repeatedly. I kept going because I KNOW what I saw. He tried to blame it on the tumble dryer etc. He finally gave in and told me.

I just feel like such a mug because he has broken my trust again. He fully acknowledged that I was understanding about it and made it easy for him to just carry on and not need to lie.

We’ve been married 11 years, 2 lovely children, but I have lost a lot of respect for him for lying. I asked if there was anything else he’d kept secret and he admitted that before we got married he had done coke behind my back several times. For personal reasons, this has really upset me, despite how long ago it happened.

I feel conflicted because he’s been so good at portraying this hard-working good man, but he obviously has a dark side and I just feel blindsided. He’s booked relationship counselling but I don’t even know if I should bother. His lying has shown a massive lack of respect. Should I cut my losses?

Giving up smoking is not easy as a none smoker would say it is.
Vaping is much better so what would you want him to do smoke or try and stop with vaping.
You cant be telling a grown man what to do he`s an adult.
What has happened in the past stays there you cant change it you either move forward or pond on it for the rest of your life.
Just tell him you want to vape do it outside. (problem solved)
But him having to hide things from you makes one wonder are you a drama queen do you go on and on with the same thing over and over.
Maybe he feels its best not to say somethings as he dont need it thrown in his face every time you have a fall out.
Vaping in the childs room is big no no but you can talk about it so it dont happen again.

Hand on heart if he admitted he vapes and did it openly but outside can you honestly say you'd let it be and not go on at him? Because to be honest it doesn't sound like it.

Seriously? She did talk about it and the idiot did it again!!!

OP, if he was my DH he’d be on his final warning now. I would demand that he explain why he didn’t go outside. Forgot? Couldn’t be bothered? Doesn’t see why he should? He needs to tell you exactly what his thought process was.

You can't stop him from vaping.

But I'd go apeshit if he was doing it in the house. That's non negotiable for me.

🙄Demand final warning you sound like you would be putting your husband on the naughty step next.
Your not his mum but certainly sounds like your acting it.

This. He lies because he can't be arsed with the mum-talk he's going to get...as well as the continued whinging and disapproval if he's open about it.

100% agree .

Eugh why can’t he just go outside to do it. The lying and disrespect to do it inside the house would be it for me.

Ex smoker and ex vaper here. Its not hard to go outside his just lazy.

Did you not read any of my post?? I said I didn’t expect him to quit at all, I just didn’t want him to do it in the house. I was completely calm and reasonable about it. By his own admission, he’s hiding it because HE thinks it’s a horrible habit.

I feel conflicted because he’s been so good at portraying this hard-working good man, but he obviously has a dark side and I just feel blindsided. He’s booked relationship counselling but I don’t even know if I should bother. His lying has shown a massive lack of respect. Should I cut my losses?

Yes I read your post.

Having read your last post I thought to begin with that maybe you were being a nag (although doing it in his child’s room was disgusting) but now I think that he thinks that you are stupid. He’s a liar, you both know it and at the moments you both accept that lying is ok.
What else will he lie about?

Yes exactly; this is how I feel.

I'd understand about the vaping but the lying would be a no no for me. Surely he doesn't really believe vaping doesn't smell, or that you can't tell he's been vaping indoors, I'd be more insulted that he thinks you're silly enough not to notice. If he's ashamed of it then he either quits or goes outside.

Ive read your post and all the comments but you come across as a nag (mum wife) what we say down our ends.
Maybe he feels he can't talk to you because you go on too much when he does talk.

Riiight, but it’s ok for him to be vaping indoors and when I say “Are you vaping?” he lies and implies I’ve completely imagined it. He is the liar in the first instance.

He has portrayed to me the image that he is a non-smoker…that is what I believed him to be. It was a shock to me that he is a smoker, not least because he comments negatively about other people vaping (in hindsight, he was obviously trying to distract me from the fact he was doing it).

He’s vaping, he’s not smoking crack! He is lying because he has a nicotine addiction. Perhaps you could agree to one room in the house that he could vape in?
l have smoked and I have vaped. Vaping is WAY less stinky and anti social…

Does he not also half own that house though?

Neither of us smoke or vape, but my husband and I jointly own this house. I’m not his mother, if he wants to vape in his own house I can’t tell him not to, all I would be saying is not to do it around or infront of the kids.

To be honest if you genuinely aren’t bothered about the vaping, which you say you aren’t, just let it go. So what if he’s vaping in his own house, on his own? Bigger fish to fry surely

calm down.
Your proving my point moaning he owns half the house not just you.
Sorry but you sound like a nag.

I’m with you OP. I’d go further and say that I don’t want to live with a vaper or smoker, but that aside, I can’t believe people are minimising the lying.

You’re considering divorce because he vapes and done coke 11 years ago?

@livingwithamigraine so by your logic, I can do whatever I want in my half of the house?! Where do you draw the line on that?? 🤦‍♀️

Alternatively, my husband could have just come and said to me that he’d started vaping & we could have had a grown up discussion about it. By contrast, he’s been sly and manipulative with it. In the context of our 14 year relationship, neither one of us has knowingly been a smoker, so yes, this has come as a bit of a shock.

Not just that; there’s other stuff but the repeated lying and gaslighting over this feels like the straw that broke the camel’s back

Its just a vape tell him to smoke it outside simple.
You're making a mountain out of a molehill.
Let it go.
Your not his mother hes not 12.
Or if you're so unhappy file for a divorce maybe he can get it right with someone else.
🙄

Its like shes never done anything wrong in the present or the past.

She did tell him to do it outside. Yet he did it again inside then lied to her face about it.

Its the lies and disregard for her and their children having to be in a vapey smoggy home that’s the issue because his too lazy to
go outside.