Husband lied about vaping…again

[ScottCheggg]

I posted about a month ago (although have since NC) about my husband secretly vaping for about 18 months. I wasn’t as bothered by the vaping itself as the fact he completely gaslit me when I could see the smoke vapour and also smell it. He made me feel like I was imagining things every single time. The final time I’d caught him, he was doing it in our 8 year old’s bedroom which I found distasteful.

Anyway, I received some advice on how to handle it, so I was very calm about it and said I absolutely didn’t expect him to quit as I know it’s an addiction, but I didn’t want him to do it in the house as our children have previously commented on the hazy smoke so they’re absolutely noticing it too. Above all, I said I didn’t ever want him to be dishonest again, so not to be silly and promise something he couldn’t deliver. He insisted he was horrified with himself and was going to quit.

Fine…except I got home the other day and the utility room was filled the familiar haze and smell. I couldn’t believe it, and I calmly asked him if he’d been vaping again. He said no repeatedly. I kept going because I KNOW what I saw. He tried to blame it on the tumble dryer etc. He finally gave in and told me.

I just feel like such a mug because he has broken my trust again. He fully acknowledged that I was understanding about it and made it easy for him to just carry on and not need to lie.

We’ve been married 11 years, 2 lovely children, but I have lost a lot of respect for him for lying. I asked if there was anything else he’d kept secret and he admitted that before we got married he had done coke behind my back several times. For personal reasons, this has really upset me, despite how long ago it happened.

I feel conflicted because he’s been so good at portraying this hard-working good man, but he obviously has a dark side and I just feel blindsided. He’s booked relationship counselling but I don’t even know if I should bother. His lying has shown a massive lack of respect. Should I cut my losses?

I remember your post OP & I'm sorry he's still lying to you.

Firstly, to put your mind at rest, his vaping in the house isn't harmful to any of you. It's not smoking, there's no combustion & it's essentially the same as theatrical smoke. Truthfully, the air that comes through your window in the car on a busy road is more dangerous.

In terms of modeling behaviour - if you also don't drink in front of the kids then that fits & is fine. Alcohol is a far more dangerous thing to absolutely everyone than vaping, it's just our perspective is skewed cos of the link to smoking. If you go in the other direction (harmless vices) nicotine & caffeine are crazy similar & no one thinks twice about coffee or cola. So just check your thinking on that to make sure it's logical & not knee-jerk.

Thing is, really this is about your hubby lying & it does sound like this is the proverbial straw. In isolation, would this bother you so much without the other things you've mentioned? I still don't think this necessarily paints a picture of hiding other big stuff but he really needs to explain to you, clearly (!) why he's not being straight about this. Is it purely cos he wants to sit & chill in the house with a tea & a vape, not to go outside? If so, then there's no reason he can't in a designated space if you find the smell irritating (which is fine!).

But it does sound like there's more fundamental issues here & you've a solid reason for being so wary about untrustworthy behaviour - I'm so sorry about your dad, it's just so gross.

She did say she doesn't mind him vaping but to do it outside....her issue is him doing it inside and then lying like a child

Did you not read her post? It's about him lying about doing it inside she doesn't mind it outside he just wants to stay in.

It stinks and they tell you not too. The smell is gross you can even smell it the other side of a door.
It leaves sticky residue on surfaces over time

Because finding it disgusting is your personal opinion, not an irrefutable fact.

It most certainly does not leave a sticky residue over surfaces. The average vape is simply not capable of producing that level of vapour, not least during a short hotel stay.

Also, whether the smell is gross or not is a matter of opinion. Given that they're specifically designed to be nice, I don't see how it's any different to spraying perfume or a can of deodorant. Those could also be said to 'stink' according to personal preference.

If they weren't associated with smoking, I can't imagine any reason why they'd cause this furore.

Only the avid vapers are trying to defend this.

Yes it stinks.

Yes you it lingers.

It does leave a residue.

No you aren't kidding anyone.

You aren't superior because it's not smoking.

Vaping is fucking rank.

Help me find this residue then. It should be there, right? Where should I look?

I've given you the benefit of the doubt and quickly checked the walls, I've had a look at the ceiling, checked the furniture (but that's been polished). There's definitely no sticky residue on the carpet. It's the darnedest thing, but I can't find anything.

I've been vaping in this area for, ooh, three or so years now. Should have been plenty of time for it to build up, no?

If you can let me know where I might find this residue, I'll be more than happy to agree that you're right. But I just can't seem to find a ding dang thing looking by myself.

Looking forward to getting to the bottom of the mystery! ☺️

It is wholly unacceptable for one person to smoke or vape in a property where another person dislikes it. It isn’t impact neutral - you can smell the bloody stuff for ages.

That's your opinion. If someone wanted to break up with me over the smell of bubblegum, I'd say good riddance to them. Clearly the relationship had no substance to begin with.

I remember that thread and there was
a whole gaggle of clowns who proudly proclaimed that they vaped in hotel rooms even when the hotel policy stated no vaping.

OP you’re not in the wrong. He could have vaped outside like you agreed. Why do it inside?

And the lying /gaslighting is shameful.

Wait until you find out that people are doing class A drugs and using prostitutes in hotel rooms. You'll break your pearls.

I think if you’ve had enough, just end it. Sometimes it can just feel like you’ve had enough and it seems you have.

I don’t think vaping ia that big of a deal but lying where you had an out is unnecessary, it seems there’s low/no trust between both of you.

Yes you it lingers.

It's vapourised food-grade flavours, yes it will linger for a bit. Like perfume or scented candles or washing powder or room spray or hairspray or literally anything with an aroma.

It does leave a residue.

No, it doesn't.

No you aren't kidding anyone.

There's no kidding, just lots of research & science with decades of evidence behind the main excipients of the liquid.

You aren't superior because it's not smoking.

You're right! Not superior but also not smoking which is, yanno, deadly. Smokers aren't inhuman either & your attitude towards them is vile.

Vaping is fucking rank.

Your opinion, which is fine

You're not wrong. He's lied and gaslit you over his lying. Vaping is vile, not safe and looks bloody stupid. It's not a habit you want to model to your kids.
Unfortunately I think this thread has brought out the vapers, defensive of their habit.

I can see why he hid it from you to be honest..

You do not have the first clue what you're talking about. Not even close. You're entitled to your own opinions but not your own facts.

Go look at what Cochrane have to say - you should know who they are if you're so willing to give your input on this matter.

Are you really going to debate the adverse health effects of vaping?
Awaiting patiently a link to what Cohrane found...

Jeez. It’s not a crack pipe is it. Leave him alone

None

I'd suggest this beautiful reading to vapers: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC7233525/

Someone habitually smoking, vaping or using weed would be enough for me to reconsider the relationship.
I don't find addictions a desirable trait.

So I understand the disappointment of the husband suddenly springing up with that crap.

just end it to be honest. Sounds like you both be happier apart.

You're caffeine and sugar free then, of course?

Look for Cochrane, don't cherry pick. When you've zero idea about a very complex subject it's easy to confirm your own bias. I could pull up some very very convincing anti-vaxx stuff, but I'm not an idiot & have a better understanding of the world of research than you do.

What do CRUK have to say? The Royal College of Physicians? What's the advice for pregnant smokers? What is PHEs position? The NHS stop smoking services?

You don't know cos you don't care, you'd rather confirm your own bias than consider misinformation (which the tobacco industry LOVE btw) literally keeps smokers smoking when there's a safer option for them. But we're conditioned to hate smokers, aren't we. They deserve everything they get.

Are you anti condoms? Clean needles? Caffeine free coffee? Alcohol free beer? Education on safe sex?

I try & keep out of these discussions now cos it blows my mind how bloody ignorant & hateful people are & it's stopping people changing their habits & saving their lives.

Honestly, I'd seriously cut my losses. My husband would smoke and vape behind my back when I've asked him to do it away from the house and my children (my children aren't his) he ended up stopping by the time we moved in together however over the last 6 months I can smell the vape and cig smoke on him. My one daughter has really bad asthma and she flares when she smells it. He claimed it was people who he worked around however this evening since I am sick and can't sleep I put on my husband robe to go downstairs quickly to get a drink and in his robe pocket was Greek buddy vape and an almost empty pack of cigarettes. Instead of coming clean about it he gaslit me and told me they weren't his and he never saw them before along with he was overly stressed. He's a chronic liar. I've learned this evening that I need to just cut my losses.