Husband lied about vaping…again

[ScottCheggg]

I posted about a month ago (although have since NC) about my husband secretly vaping for about 18 months. I wasn’t as bothered by the vaping itself as the fact he completely gaslit me when I could see the smoke vapour and also smell it. He made me feel like I was imagining things every single time. The final time I’d caught him, he was doing it in our 8 year old’s bedroom which I found distasteful.

Anyway, I received some advice on how to handle it, so I was very calm about it and said I absolutely didn’t expect him to quit as I know it’s an addiction, but I didn’t want him to do it in the house as our children have previously commented on the hazy smoke so they’re absolutely noticing it too. Above all, I said I didn’t ever want him to be dishonest again, so not to be silly and promise something he couldn’t deliver. He insisted he was horrified with himself and was going to quit.

Fine…except I got home the other day and the utility room was filled the familiar haze and smell. I couldn’t believe it, and I calmly asked him if he’d been vaping again. He said no repeatedly. I kept going because I KNOW what I saw. He tried to blame it on the tumble dryer etc. He finally gave in and told me.

I just feel like such a mug because he has broken my trust again. He fully acknowledged that I was understanding about it and made it easy for him to just carry on and not need to lie.

We’ve been married 11 years, 2 lovely children, but I have lost a lot of respect for him for lying. I asked if there was anything else he’d kept secret and he admitted that before we got married he had done coke behind my back several times. For personal reasons, this has really upset me, despite how long ago it happened.

I feel conflicted because he’s been so good at portraying this hard-working good man, but he obviously has a dark side and I just feel blindsided. He’s booked relationship counselling but I don’t even know if I should bother. His lying has shown a massive lack of respect. Should I cut my losses?

Holding on to something he did a 11 years ago and still brings it up thats not a healthy marriage thats a grudge.
Sorry she needs to let that one go as well.

I mean if he lies about vaping after leaving a mist of fruity smog behind him I’m not sure I’d trust him to not still be doing coke tbh.

No, he literally just admitted this. I had no idea until he told me a couple of days ago.

Are you a bit controlling OP? Maybe he’s lying because you’re a bit invasive and him vaping is none of your business?

Re: the coke, I knew his mates did it but he always said they were dicks for doing it.

My dad was a druggie, used to deal to children and was in prison when I was born because of drug-related offences. DH knows I’m not a fan because of these things.

Again, where do you draw the line on it being none of my business? I feel it’s my business when it affects my children; no, I wouldn’t want them thinking vaping is acceptable, and if that makes me controlling, so be it. I don’t give a shit what he does to his body, that is truly is on him.

Yeah, you’re controlling. I’d lie to you as well. Affecting your children is a bit of a reach. I think if a man was behaving like you were he’d be called abusive.

Your past as nothing to do with your marriage.

Ok I think we’ll have to agree to disagree on that one - I definitely think a child would be more susceptible to vaping if they saw their parent doing it and I don’t want that for them if at all possible. I don’t think that trying to protect my children as much as I can is abusive, but there you go.

I mentioned it because my husband is aware of my past, and rather than be honest about his recreational drug use, he chose to pretend he wasn’t doing it. My preference would have been to not be in a relationship with a drug user, but he didn’t give me that option because he kept it a secret.

Your wrong on that
We were raised in a non-smoker non druggie home but i became a smoker and my sister became a druggie.
Shes been clean no 13 years im now a non smoker 2 years.

Sorry I also think you're coming out of this a bit of a nag. I'd probably lie too the way you go on.

Being honest, how is your tone when you speak to your husband and ask if he has been vaping? Perhaps the way you speak to him makes him feel like some sort of naughty child? I really couldn’t be bothered with being confronted about something like vaping or drug use from many years ago. Why doesn’t your husband just have an allocated room for vaping - the utility room maybe and he can open the door to let the air in.

Ok I’m wrong 👍

Yes you are.

Is it a slow news day?
i think you should divorce him and let him vape.
”drug user” did you catch him jacking up? Banging it up on the class A’s?
we all keep secrets, even you OP.
Seriously what do you want? You come across a power crazy dictator, honestly it’s enough to make anyone reading this nonsense run down the corner shop purchase a vape and this become a drug user…..

Ok, I get you on the lying. That's not great.

But you're considering divorce over this? That does suggest a problem with overreacting. Which may well explain why he'd rather lie than deal with your reaction.

Also, it's not your house. It's both your house. So why are you the one setting all the rules, on pain of divorce?

I think you need a compromise. He can vape in X part of the house. You don't threaten to divorce him.

Honestly, it's just a vape! It's not worth all this.

I grew up in a family of very heavy smokers, so I'm not that bothered by vaping by itself.

But I would be extremely unhappy if my partner, presumably a mature adult, vaped inside and then tried to make me doubt my own senses. That's how foolish 15 year olds act when they've made the house stink of smoke.

Vaping in your child's room would make me absolutely furious. Given he's not a prisoner under house arrest, it is entirely reasonable to ask him to vape outside, rather than inflicting the smell on everyone else and everyone else's belongings. The smell of vaping isn't in the same league as cigarettes, but it is a smell.

🙄

No advice but just to politely let you know, that's not what gaslighting means

Maybe - but I’m having a hard time imagining why someone would do this. OP hasn’t told him he has to stop, just that he can’t do it in the house. He’s disgusting and he deserves a bollocking.

I don't get the other posts on here. Op you aren't wrong to feel the way you do. You aren't a nag.

It's the lying. He must think you are stupid doing it indoors. Or he must be incredibly thick.

I also think this is likely to be the tip of the iceberg with lying.

Vaping is awful and I wouldn't want it in my house with my children.

Not a chance. No one vapes in my house, no one. If DH mysteriously turned into an idiot who did this it would be game over.

😂

He’s vaping in his kid’s bedroom and lying about it. Thats fucking rank. As is vaping.