Autistic 6 year old at a funeral?

[SenQuestion]

More of a what would you do?

My son has autism with a language delay and emotional/ behaviour issues.
My husbands grandmother has just died. My husband has told our son and my son just keeps repeating "daddies grandmother has died". When we watched the queens funeral, my son asked where the queen is, and then kept repeating "the queen is in the box". If we took him to ther funeral he would likely say and repeat things like this. He is very delayed socially and very behind his peers with language. He also doesn't like change and can get bored and overwhelmed. There are days at school were he runs out of the classroom and down the corridor and has meltdowns.

Would you take him to a funeral? I am unsure. I also don't want members of my husbands family judging my son for something he cant help/ understand.

Because you’re exposing your child, intentionally, to people overcome with grief long before they need to know how to deal with that. They’re SIX. They don’t need to sit in a room full of crying people staring at a coffin. They don’t need to know such upset at 6 years old. You should be protecting them from things that upset them, not exposing them to it.

That's baloney

I was just going to write this exactly! We bring kids to all occasions and would find them a welcome comfort or distraction.

Thanks for this intelligent and thoughtful response. I'm amazed at how totally culturally unaware and uptight some of these posts are.

No.

Perhaps because the funeral is not local, they want to attend the funeral themselves and they have no childcare?

I do find it offensive to suggest that a child should not be taken purely because they are autistic. Autistic people are humans too and grieve like everyone else. It should be about what's right for the child and the family.

The most difficult problems we've encountered over the years have been caused by people who can't accept that autism IS a disability and our DS sometimes needs to be treated a little differently and with a little more care and thoughtfulness.

Yes definitely. Especially from my husbands family. They don't understand what autism is and just expect him to behave a certain way. Mil would point out what he could not do at 3 years old - when he could barely talk should would say things like "What don't you know your own age" when she asked how old he was and he could not answer.

My son barely knows my husbands grandmother, he has met her a couple of times.

My mil is asking for my 6 year old and 1 year old to attend. But she will expect him to act a certain way.

Just a thought, can you miss the service and just attend the wake?

You could even pretend you are going to the service, but walk out as one year old was noisy and, out of respect, didn’t want to disrupt the service…

I’d stay home with both kids unless you have someone else you trust that can stay with them and then I’d go to support DH.

Exactly this. My very selfish sibling planned to take his (very unruly) 5 and 2 year old to a family funeral and was told no.

sure you say this now. Would be interested what your child thinks about this in 20 or so years.

No, I wouldn't take him to the funeral.

Six is very young for a funeral. I didn't take my son to my step mum's funeral at age 7 but I did take him to my dad's age 12 - definitely think that was the right decision. Likewise I didn't attend my own mother's funeral age 5, and I'm glad about that.

He'll probably think it's very normal, and be glad of the familiarity with death that such a culture gives you.

Depends on the family - my family was very accepting of dd, she was looking up details of what happens at that age! My parents wanted my kids there even if they talked at the wrong place, though actually they were very well behaved at 3&5 at my uncles funeral. My mums opinion was they represented the next generation so mattered more than silence or inappropriate questions (yes dd asked what rigor mortis was and how the cremation works, she's autistic.

I just wouldn't take him.

No one would think twice at a primary school aged child NOT being at a funeral, but they would think twice if he was drawing eyes to himself for the wrong reasons. Of course, he can't help it, but its of no benefit to HIM to be there.

Presumably the funeral will happen on a school day anyway, so just put DS in school as normal. If it's a weekend, or far away, just DH goes. Or you and DS wait outside, and join the event later on for the wake?

True.

I really can't imagine it being an issue though, as it's completely normal here! It's not something that's hidden away from children. 20 years after first seeing a body laid out I still thought it was completely normal! It's the done thing here. There aren't hoades of Irish people utterly traumatised from seeing their families/neighbours/friends laid out (from a visual POV). Maybe because it's not built up as a major "thing"

It's just not what you're used to