Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

Autistic 6 year old at a funeral?

117 replies

SenQuestion · 15/03/2024 09:29

More of a what would you do?

My son has autism with a language delay and emotional/ behaviour issues.
My husbands grandmother has just died. My husband has told our son and my son just keeps repeating "daddies grandmother has died". When we watched the queens funeral, my son asked where the queen is, and then kept repeating "the queen is in the box". If we took him to ther funeral he would likely say and repeat things like this. He is very delayed socially and very behind his peers with language. He also doesn't like change and can get bored and overwhelmed. There are days at school were he runs out of the classroom and down the corridor and has meltdowns.

Would you take him to a funeral? I am unsure. I also don't want members of my husbands family judging my son for something he cant help/ understand.

OP posts:

mindutopia · 15/03/2024 10:42

I wouldn't no. I think generally children at funerals are fine and I've taken mine to one (for a great-grandparent) - and actually everyone commented how lovely it was to have her there.

But if he won't really understand what is going on and may also be disruptive, I think it's just not worth it. It's not at all unusual for one parent to stay home with dc and one parent to attend the funeral, so I can't see how that would ruffle any feathers. Perhaps, yes, you can join for the wake after.

Bushmillsbabe · 15/03/2024 10:45

I wouldn't be worrying what others think, family will be aware of his additional needs. Nor taking note of comments that '6 is too young to attend a funeral', every child is different.

Ultimately its your call as his parent as to whether you feel its helpful or harmful to him to attend.

My oldest daughter attended her grandads (husbands dad) funeral aged 6.5. We gave her the choice, said she did not have to go, and could stay with my parents. But she is very mature and explained that she wanted to come to say bye bye to Grandad to to support her Daddy and Grandad, so she came to the church service and placed her favourite cuddly on his coffin to 'keep him company', but not to the burial as I didnt think that's appropriate for her to see.

FlamingoFlamboyance · 15/03/2024 10:50

No, I wouldn't take a 6 year old to a funeral, any other issues aside.

caringcarer · 15/03/2024 10:52

SenQuestion · 15/03/2024 09:36

We also have a 1 year old. I am fine staying home to look after them both and my husband just goes to the funeral.
In this situation do you think that is the best option?

Yes. Let your DH go on his own. Imagine if he said something offensive at the funeral. It might upset lots of people who are also grieving.

IfYouDontAsk · 15/03/2024 10:55

Well I think the British norm of not taking children to funerals is actually terrible- death is a part of life and I think it’s much healthier for children to be exposed to and understand that from a young age. I’ve seen posts on here wondering whether 12 or 13 year olds are old enough to go to a funeral and I find that mind boggling. How are people supposed to learn how to grieve if death and grief is hidden away from them until they are adults?

However, in deciding whether to take a child to a funeral I would be guided by the following question- are they likely to behave in a way that would cause additional distress to mourners? If the answer to that is yes then I wouldn’t take them.

pumpkinpiee · 15/03/2024 10:55

No, absolutely not

saraclara · 15/03/2024 10:56

A funeral is for those grieving. Your children are not, and those feeling very emotional and upset do not deserve to be distracted by your children. So yes, staying home with them is the kind thing to do for the bereaved.

saraclara · 15/03/2024 10:57

are they likely to behave in a way that would cause additional distress to mourners? If the answer to that is yes then I wouldn’t take them.

Yes, that.

WhateverMate · 15/03/2024 10:59

I'm all for kids at funerals because it's part of my (Irish) culture.

But I really wouldn't take your DS under these circumstances as I don't think it's fair on him, you or the rest of the mourners.

Percie · 15/03/2024 11:01

I've taken DC (6yo, autism & ADHD) to the funeral and burial of a very close family member. There was lots of prep about what would happen so there were no surprises and we sat by the end of the pew so it was possible to move out if necessary with minimal disruption. School provided some age appropriate books on death and funerals, which we read beforehand, and I always used standard terms as well as being honest about nobody really knowing what happens next, but our family believe X. It has opened up a lot of questions in the time since but it's good, because they're processing and making sense of something which isn't easy for anyone.

It is doable and if your DC wants to go, or you feel it's the right thing for him to go, then it's all down to the planning and prep (as with every new experience).

The only thing I would say is that you're watching/responding to DC so it doesn't leave much attention for proceedings or your own chance to say goodbye. I'm glad DC attended in our case - it was the right thing - but it did make it more difficult for me.

TinyYellow · 15/03/2024 11:02

I’m generally supportive of children at funerals. Death is a part of life that they need to get used to. In this case though it sounds like it won’t benefit your son to be there so if you can leave him at home then I would.

BobbyBiscuits · 15/03/2024 11:02

Funerals really aren't the place for small children. It's not fun, they can't really act silly. As you say he could say something inappropriate. It could also be pretty upsetting. Plus the baby might cry or get grumpy.
Can you get a mate round to keep you company at home and help a bit with the 2 kids while DH goes to the ceremony?
Just send a nice bunch of flowers or donate to her charity of choice or whatever. It's for the best I think.

pinkyredrose · 15/03/2024 11:02

Don't take him. It wouldn't be beneficial for him or anyone else.

Itsnotallaboutyoulikeyouthink · 15/03/2024 11:03

Your husbands grandmother? Absolutely no reason for him to go to the funeral unless they had a really really close relationship.

SpeedyDrama · 15/03/2024 11:11

From my perspective (6 year old with ASD, global delays and currently unmedicated ADHD), I would not take him to a funeral. Only from my personal experience of all of the above but it sounds like a disaster in the making and you’d both end up unnecessarily stressed. I’d not take my older ASD child either, no learning disability but a funeral would absolutely trigger weeks of death related anxiety.

Brendabigbaps · 15/03/2024 11:15

I wouldn’t take a 6yr old to a funeral never mind an ASC child. It’s a recipe for disaster.

bridgetreilly · 15/03/2024 11:17

How well did your son know her? I think if her death will mean something significant to him, then I would take him, but be ready to slip out with him if needed. But if she’s someone he didn’t really know, then I wouldn’t.

FunkyMonks · 15/03/2024 11:21

Stay home with your DS let your Husband attend his grandmothers funeral.

I say this as I too have an autistic DS same age as yours and there's no way I would take either of my DCs to a funeral it's not the right place for any child to be fair when they are that little.

There has been one or two funerals where either my DH or myself have had to attend on our own whilst the other is looking after the kids or has had to skip early to collect them from school.
It won't be frowned upon family will understand so long as your husband is there it won't matter.

Diamondcurtains · 15/03/2024 11:24

No I wouldn’t. My son is severely autistic. We don’t take him anywhere that he’d be bored or overwhelmed and definitely not a funeral as he doesn’t understand death. Over the years we’ve done many things such as parties, events, funerals etc separately. One of us goes, one stays home.

Cornishclio · 15/03/2024 11:26

No I wouldn't let my 7 and 5 year old DDs go to my dad's funeral and they didn't have SEN. My DGD5 is autistic and would hate the enforced sitting down, change of environment and amount of people. If you have someone who can care for him do that or you stay home and let your DH go as it is his GM.

MississippiAF · 15/03/2024 11:26

I wouldn’t take a NT 6yo to a funeral

bryceQ · 15/03/2024 11:26

I wouldn't take him at all.

I've just lost two grandparents and wouldn't cross my mind to take my non verbal 5 year old to the funeral. I went by myself and my husband had our son.

JonVoightBaddyWhoGrowls · 15/03/2024 11:50

the only time I would even consider taking ANY 6 year old to a funeral would be if I felt it was in THEIR best interest to go - eg if it was a close relative or something. The autism is irrelevant here.

KreedKafer · 15/03/2024 11:56

Would you take him to a funeral?

No, of course I wouldn't.

If he can't stay still and quiet, is easily bored, may have a meltdown and repeats phrases that others will find upsetting, don't take him. Of course he can't help his behaviour, but that doesn't mean it wouldn't be disruptive and make the funeral a lot more difficult for the immediate family.

A funeral is by definition a sad occasion. The one thing most people want is for the deceased to have a dignified send-off, without anything going wrong, and for the immediate family to be able to devote all their thought and attention to thinking about the deceased and saying goodbye to them for the final time. If at my FIL's funeral there had been a child having a meltdown, fidgeting, repeating 'FIL is in the box' and generally taking up everyone's attention and disturbing their private thoughts, I'm pretty sure my MIL and DP would have been very upset by that. The sorts of behaviours you describe are, as you say, absolutely not your son's fault, but they are also impossible for everyone else to ignore and I'd be really, really pissed off if I was listening to the final eulogy for one of my parents and I couldn't focus on that because a child had started kicking off and was being dragged out of the chapel by his mother. To put it bluntly, someone else's kid would be the absolute bottom of my list of priorities at a funeral and I'd be angry if the occasion became all about the child and their needs and behaviour. I wouldn't judge the child but I'd judge the parents for bringing him.

EDIT: I should add that I think it's actually a good thing on principle for children to attend funerals and I'd have no issue with a six-year-old coming to one if they will definitely be able to sit quietly and behave for the duration of it. I've no issue with children running around or playing at a wake, but they need to be silent and well-behaved during the service, so if they can't do that, they shouldn't come. The top priority is for the service to be undisrupted.

ColleenDonaghy · 15/03/2024 11:57

I'm all for children at funerals, inappropriate comments and all, it's what I grew up with.

But in this instance it doesn't sound like your children will get anything out of it, no one has requested that they attend, it'll be hugely stressful for you and presumably your DH will be fine without your support.

Go with the easiest solution and send him by himself.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5