Autistic 6 year old at a funeral?

[SenQuestion]

More of a what would you do?

My son has autism with a language delay and emotional/ behaviour issues.
My husbands grandmother has just died. My husband has told our son and my son just keeps repeating "daddies grandmother has died". When we watched the queens funeral, my son asked where the queen is, and then kept repeating "the queen is in the box". If we took him to ther funeral he would likely say and repeat things like this. He is very delayed socially and very behind his peers with language. He also doesn't like change and can get bored and overwhelmed. There are days at school were he runs out of the classroom and down the corridor and has meltdowns.

Would you take him to a funeral? I am unsure. I also don't want members of my husbands family judging my son for something he cant help/ understand.

Yes. Definitely.

I also don't want members of my husbands family judging my son for something he cant help/ understand.

It would make me sad if this was a reason not to attend. Why do your DH's family judge your son for having autism?

That aside, it sounds like it would not be a useful way for your son to understand about death and bereavement so I wouldn't spend any time considering how accommodations could be made. I hope you can find other ways to help him understand she is no longer here.

I don't believe in keeping children away from funerals, except if the death was particularly traumatic.

Do you want to go? Do you want to support your DH? Has he asked you to support him? It is important for you to be seen at his side? He might like to have his children there, or maybe just the baby. IME, babies and young children bring smiles to the bereaved, especially if the deceased was very old and the mourners are paying their respects to someone who lived a full and long life, rather than falling apart. I hope that doesn't sound crass. It comes from spending time with people in their 80s and 90s who have been to many, many funerals and accept that it is a normal part of life. Sad obviously.

it would not be a useful way for your son to understand about death and bereavement

Even if it was, the purpose of a funeral isn't to provide the children of extended family with a teachable moment/learning experience. the top priority should be the feelings of the immediate family, rather than relatives wanting to teach their children about death. Absolutely bring a child to a funeral if they're able to be silent and sit still during the service - but don't if they can't.

I wouldn't take him, it sounds as though it would be too much for him and everyone else.

DS was six when my DGM died. He had known her, visited her often. I asked him if he wanted to go to the funeral and he said no. So he went to school as usual. he is also autistic, though not diagnosed at that time.

I considered things and thought it was reasonable to let him decide. If you consider your DS needs and behaviours and decide that a funeral would not be the best place for him that is completely reasonable.

A number of churches I have worked for have had a playroom with a view of the church and speakers.

Talk to the vicar. Often there are options.

I am an advocate for children also participating in church activities on an equal footing with their families and would try come up with the best solution together with the parents.

With kids it's fine to ask what are they getting out of it? Closure? Take them. Otherwise, no. And that's without his additional needs. Don't put the unnecessary stress on you all, you could always join them at the wake of you wanted

Yes, you're right, a funeral isn't to provide such an experience, but I do think it's beneficial for people to have attended a funeral before they reach adulthood and I don't think they need to be shielded from them.
And I disagree that they should only go if they are silent and sit still. Obviously a howling or disruptive child should be removed, but a child asking their parents questions during the hymn or crying, or even quietly absorbing while they play with a doll or read a book is fine IMO.
I understand that opinions vary hugely, but I am thankful that my children attended the funerals of both their maternal grandparents.

This.

Absolutely not. Perhaps for their own grandparent, but maybe when a bit older. Funerals are not fun things for anyone, but particularly not for young children who don't fully understand what's going on. They'd be bored, confused and likely upset at a whole room of people becoming upset.

DH lost both his grandparents in the last couple of years and I stayed at home with our (now) 8 and 6 year olds.

Sorry, I don't know how you can even be unsure about this? Seriously?? Of course you shouldn't take him!

Errr, no, he’s 6? Funerals are not an appropriate place for a 6 year old. Jesus.

My brother died suddenly and I decided not to take my then 9 yo autistic/ADHD son to the funeral. He would have found it overwhelming, especially lots of strangers speaking to him and he would have loudly asked inappropriate questions. I couldn't deal with that on the day so arranged for a trusted friend to collect from school so that his day was "normal". I'm so glad I did because it was a very tough day.

Actually to add, I avoided taking my eldest to funerals too. She would have been fine behaviour wise but it's really not something a child needs to experience until they're older. I think she was around 14 before she attended one.

Perhaps you need to broaden your mind. Just because YOU don't think it's appropriate doesn't mean everyone does.
Very many children attend funerals.

No reason to take any six year old to a funeral

No. He stays home

What are your husband's wishes? It was his grandmother and they are his children. Does he want your support and the children to be part of the ceremony (as in attending) or does he feel it would be too fraught?
If your husband is ambivalent then I'd stay at home with the kids, but if he wants his immediate family around him then, even though I wouldn't relish the prospect I'd go, but be prepared to take my dc out of the service if they were starting to cause a disturbance.

If your six year old, autistic or not, is unable to sit through an adult-orientated service, then I wouldn't take him.

Children don't belong at funerals unless they had a close relationship with the deceased imo.

My uncle died unexpectedly last year and I did not take either of my young children, even though his own grandchildren (including a baby) were attending, because neither he nor my bereaved aunt had a close relationship with my children.

It is one thing for the children/grandchildren/young close relatives of the deceased to be noisy or disturb events at a funeral - in this case, they are part of the life story of the deceased and remind the mourners of their family life. In my aunt's case, she and my uncle had been heavily involved in their grandchildren's lives and provided regular childcare. Seeing the kids there was a comfort for her, even though they were a bit of a nuisance to the smooth running of everything.

My children would not have had the same associations for her and would not have brought her or other family members the same sort of comfort. If they had been disruptive, it would simply have prevented everyone from concentrating on my uncle and celebrating and commemorating his life. So I left them at home.

I really don't like the dismissive "children don't belong at funerals" comments being spun out as if it's fact.
It smacks of narrow mindedness ignorance to me.

If your six year old will not benefit from the funeral ie understand and get an opportunity to say bye, then no, he shouldn’t go.

If they were close and you think it would be good for his understanding of the situation then yes, he should.

Children learn how to behave at these things by doing. It is entirely normal and healthy the world over for 6yos to be at a funeral, although I know it's not always the cultural norm within the UK.

When I was young I lost someone and wasn’t allowed to attend the funeral. There was no closure and it really affected my understanding of the situation, my Mother always regretted it. I’ve let my children go and they’ve processed death far better then I ever did.

we can’t protect children from death, it’s the one certainty of this life. We are creating fear around it and making it a taboo by not allowing them to go.

No I wouldn't take either of them. 6 is a bit young in my opinion regardless of his autism etc. my own DD were 8 and 9 when they went to the first family funeral, I didn't think they were ready for it before then and this was a much loved great uncle who they had seen most days and observed his decline from fit and active to old and frail.

No I definitely wouldn't take him.

My autistic son attended his first funeral aged 10 and I had to take him out as he became dysregulated as it was too overwhelming for him.

It was important to him that he say goodbye to the dearly departed, but as his parent it was difficult because I was concerned about his feelings and those of the other attendees.