Autistic 6 year old at a funeral?

[SenQuestion]

More of a what would you do?

My son has autism with a language delay and emotional/ behaviour issues.
My husbands grandmother has just died. My husband has told our son and my son just keeps repeating "daddies grandmother has died". When we watched the queens funeral, my son asked where the queen is, and then kept repeating "the queen is in the box". If we took him to ther funeral he would likely say and repeat things like this. He is very delayed socially and very behind his peers with language. He also doesn't like change and can get bored and overwhelmed. There are days at school were he runs out of the classroom and down the corridor and has meltdowns.

Would you take him to a funeral? I am unsure. I also don't want members of my husbands family judging my son for something he cant help/ understand.

My grandfather died last year. He was 93 but sound of mind.

I didn’t take my children to his funeral (age 5 and 8). They probably would’ve been fine, but I just felt they were too young and it wasn’t necessary.

I actually wonder why you even considered it to be an option???

I wouldn't even take a neurotypical 6yr old to a funeral unless it was for their parent or sibling (god forbid).

No I wouldn't take any six year old to a funeral tbh

I would not take a six year old to a funeral, regardless of their abilities.

I wouldn’t take a 6 year old to a funeral, autistic or not

No. It’s grossly cruel to take a 6 year old to a funeral.

Funerals aren't a suitable place for young children regardless of whether they are autistic or not (unless they are the person the funeral is for obviously). It's not like a wedding where they can "just" ruin the couple's day, disruption at a funeral can cause people long term psychological damage.

I've taken a SEN 5 year old to a funeral. DH's family so he sat with the family and I sat in the back row with non noisy toys (I think plastic animals) and Haribo decanted into a ziplock bag so it didn't rustle if I opened it. He was fine and I'd have just taken him outside if he was being disruptive. He went to another one at 7 and sat with extended family.

If you want him there, take him. He's part of the wider family of the lady who's died. If you think he won't understand, stay at home with him. Often OPs about children are very supportive but you seem to have got a lot of "I wouldn't take children to a funeral" so I'm happy to balance it up a bit. You know your son and whether he could sit in a doctor's reception etc. (quiet place with lots of adults) for 30 minutes or so.

Please explain why.

In your opinion maybe.
My 6yr old has been to many funerals, and has seen several dead bodies laid out. He is in no way traumatised by it, nor did he become overly upset by seeing other people upset, as suggested on this thread. It's the cultural norm where we live.

Are you Catholic?

Generally in UK if you're not Catholic (Protestant etc) you don't go to funerals as a child. I don't know why it is but you just don't. I think I was 12 when I first attended one.

I don't think it's a good or bad thing for children to go to funerals but some might not understand, be upset by coffins, be upset by other people crying and not understand death yet. So for me I'd wait until they were at least 10.

A funeral isn't an appropriate place for any 6 year old, SEN or not.

I've been to a lot of funerals and I'm Catholic. I can't remember the last time I saw a child under 10 at one, even then those children were very mature for their age and were totally silent and it's unusual for school aged kids to be at them.

The last thing a grieving family needs is a distressed or disruptive child at a funeral. He should stay home.

I'm surprised at these responses, my children have been to two funerals, including my child with SEN who isn't much older than yours. In one DH had to take him out and wait outside. But at least we all got to attend the wake. Family members were very happy to have my children there. At the end of the days it's a family event, albeit a sad occasion. Given you also have a one year old I would be inclined to maybe skip the main funeral and attend the wake. But really it's up to you and what your family wants.

You might think that.

Those of us who grew up in cultures with different customs around death are doubtless shocked by posts on here where grown adults ask questions in advance of attending their first funerals. I think it's grossly cruel to raise children without an understanding of death and its rituals.

In your opinion. I went to a relative’s funeral at that age and it was good to be able to say goodbye and understand that I wouldn’t see that person again.

The only times I’ve attended a funeral and there have been kids there, the kids were either lett to shout and cry or allowed to run around making loads of noise. In each case their parents went on and on at the wake about how their children were lifting the mood and bringing comfort and joy by reminding everyone of the circle of life. Just utterly delusional.

It’s not that kids being at funeral is wrong, it’s that their parents are far too often totally oblivious to the noise and disruption and mistakenly think they are adding to the occasion. Exact same with weddings IME.

So yeah, if he can’t be quiet and still I wouldn’t take him, sorry. He’s not the priority here.

Yes, this is exactly why I made my comment above.

I'm Irish Catholic, saw my first dead body at 3, was at mass every Sunday and Holy Day from birth. Still didn't attend my first funeral until 11. It's not damaged or scarred me or made me feel I've been kept out of death or it's rituals. I've grown up to wash the bodies of dead relatives and dress and get them ready for the undertaker etc after a death at home from my 20s no problem. I was a well behaved child and knew how to behave at mass and on solemn days like Good Friday but in my family and community it was generally accepted that funerals weren't a kiddies day out. We'd be kept in school and taken to the grave at the weekend with flowers and a picture if it was a close relative. If the wake went on all day we'd pop into the pub for a packet of crisps and some juice after school to see the rest of the family. We might even get invited in the days before the funeral the funeral to join a decade of the rosary or just to see Grandad in his coffin and give him a kiss goodbye if it was felt it was right. But we wouldn't be at the funeral to be fair to the mourners.

So I'll stand by what I say and with this point made from a pp, funerals aren't appropriate places for little children. The mourners don't need them fussing,
shouting out, disrupting the service.
And so many parents DON'T parent these days. They gaze on adoringly while their child makes merry mayhem and distracts people.

The only times I’ve attended a funeral and there have been kids there, the kids were either lett to shout and cry or allowed to run around making loads of noise. In each case their parents went on and on at the wake about how their children were lifting the mood and bringing comfort and joy by reminding everyone of the circle of life. Just utterly delusional.

Thankfully, that has never been my experience of children at funerals. At the two most recent funerals I attended there were 7, 8 and 11yos in attendance, who all behaved beautifully. And I think they all benefitted from being part of the grieving process for people they knew and loved.

My ASD ds went to his first funeral when he was about 9/10 and another about a year later.

He's been to another about 6 months ago that was outside.

We sat at the back (or further away) incase he needed to leave.

It was fine. We discussed how everyone would be very quiet and some people might cry and there'd be some talking.

If you think he'd struggle, don't take him.

Funerals are for all of the family.

I find it quite hurtful that you consider me taking my children to their grandparents' funerals as tiresome behaviour.
My parents died fairly young and there were 10 grandchildren from 9 down to 0. Fortunately no one in my family considered it tiresome. Partners took children out during the service at various points, they all behaved appropriately and they did bring some light to the wake.
None of the grandchildren (now mostly young adults) have expressed any issue with it. Most of them have memories of going to the woodland burial site which is designed to be an area welcoming to children (among other things).

And so many parents DON'T parent these days. They gaze on adoringly while their child makes merry mayhem and distracts people.

I have never children causing mayhem and distracting people at a funeral while their parents gaze adoringly. If that's your experience then I can absolutely see why you are so against children going to them.

All those people saying no 6 year old should go to any funeral, would that include their own parent or a sibling or other close relative?? I remember well not being allowed to attend my Grandad's funeral aged 7, I wanted to and I think it would have helped me. My own children have been to two relatives' funerals under 6 and also didn't attend two depending on how well they knew the person and the wishes of the deceased's next of kin at the time. E.g. my grandmother wanted them there at my grandad's funeral, DH's didn't.
In this case I would keep your DS at home because he didn't know the person well and he may be a distraction, but I don't agree with the blanket statements about 6 year olds never attending funerals.

What a rediculous statement. It's not "grossly cruel"

I have taken my children to 3 close family members funerals. Family members they knew and loved. I told them that it was to say goodbye and that lots of people would be sad and if was important to sit quietly. They all did. They have as much right to say goodbye as everyone else in the room. At my step mums funeral my daughter who was 7 decided she wanted to take part in putting the petals on the coffin bit and so I went up with her to do it holding her hand.

People die and they have funerals and it's a shit part of life, but one better to understand then for it be kept hush.

To be honest I wouldn't take a six year-old to a funeral anyway. My youngest was 10 when my father died. That was the youngest I would have taken otherwise I would have tried to find childcare

Is that an option?