Being a step-mother

[VestibuleVirgin]

It used to recieved wisdom that it was pretty much always the man who would reject a woman's existing children if he remarried
Today, from the threads here, it's the women who absolutely viscerally hate their DPs or DHs children from a previous relationship.
From not taking them out with 'their birth DCs' (i.e leaving them behind), through not wanting to provide any care for them at their 'too frequent' access visits, and not wanting DH to spend to spend time with them, to hysteria that they must 'not be entitled to any of MY money when I die because their real mum will provde'...
Is it because you think the mother of the kids has some hold over you DH/P?
Is it because you would rather neither you nor your oh had any remider of his past life?
Many male animals kill the offspring of the previous male they have conquered.
Here, it seems like many of you would be happy if your DSC didn't exist!

I'd never be one. I think blending families is almost always the wrong decision to make. It's selfish and done in the best interests of the adults, not the children. I'm a lone parent and would never force a stepfather or other random kids on my DS.

Loads of people will come on the thread and say their blended family works great but I'd only be interested in hearing from the kids, not the adults who of course are going to say it works great.

YANBU. I spent most of my childhood on the receiving end of a horrible stepmother. Her disgraceful behaviour and lack of any kind of intervention from my father has caused irreparable damage. Her children were (and still are even though our parents are separated) the focal point. Being sorry for merely existing is just awful.

I agree. Man or woman, if you can’t lovingly accept children into your life then do not start a relationship with someone with children.

From what position are you asking this question?

This isn’t new. The wicked step mother trope exists for a reason.

As someone who was a child of this situation, I would have much preferred the blended family I had than witnessing my mum be with my dad. I learned from her how to stand up for myself. He was horrible to her.

It’s unreasonable to me that some people have opinions about these situations without having experienced them or having needed to consider those situations—how lucky they are.

This question feels a bit like fishing. Strange to ask this but if it is legitimate I am happy to contribute.

In the majority of cases , in the examples you provide the "hate" is mostly because dad does none of the work and expects the SM to do it.

It tends to be an extremely difficult situation where SMs are expected to have all the responsibilities and obligations, without any of the rights.

No its because dad needs to step the fuck up

Except decades were spent trying to dispel this trope and for a small window, it worked.
But let's not think about the children, because the only important thing is the adult's need to rut

I also don't think it's hatred to look at inheritance matters mathematically and logically

I don’t think it’s good @VestibuleVirgin its patently not. I just don’t think it’s new.

Hang out on the step parenting board with your bingo card and you'll soon figure it out.
Step mothers are repeatedly told they can't do XYZ with/for their children while their step kids are at their mum's as it's not fair. Whatever their DH is paying in maintenance is never, ever enough and they must pay more even if it means they can't afford enough bedrooms for all the kids (SMs kids don't need bedrooms in their one and only home anyway, they can share with parents forever or failing that, stick them under the stairs as they shouldn't exist anyway). Granny is a hateful cow as she only wants to take her one grandchild for a sleepover, not a squad of older kids she barely in knows, so she shouldn't be allowed to see her own grandchild. Ex won't allow the step kids to come on holiday so now that means no holiday for step mums kids unless she takes them alone (and why should she, she's not a single mum?). Step mum must be available for the privilege of having the ex drop the kids at the door unannounced and she must look after them because their right to be there whenever trumps her right to have her own plans. DH devotes the majority of his free time to older kids so he's a hero and great dad, youngest don't need quality time with him as they sleep under the same roof as him and see him for an hour or so before bedtime, what more do the spoilt wee so and sos want?
And on and on and on it goes.
So if some SMs sound a bit overprotective of their own children/money/time the above is just some of the reasons why that might be.

Way to generalise. Yes, there are bad step parents but there are also bad parents. I imagine most SP go into a relationship hoping to have a great relationship with the step children but there are so many other factors at play. I’ve read post after post of SP expected to do the donkey work, expected to put their feelings and wants second to the kids and ex, expected to provide money, time and effort whilst getting no thanks or appreciation. No wonder resentment builds up. It’s a thankless task for some and no, I don’t think people know what they’re getting into until they’re actually in it.

DSC are fine, but why on earth would they inherit from me? They inherit from their own parents.

Probably a lot of it is because there's an awkwardness of having children in your home who you can't really treat as your own - they are subject to different rules and influences. I wonder whether it's better in situations where the mother isn't on the scene and the step kids live permanently with the step mum

But also who wants to be reminded of their partner's ex all the time. Most people who don't have kids would feel very awkward about having a link to their partner's ex.

Exactly this.

I agree with everything you said!

(I have sad experience of just how shit being a stepchild is)

My step sister is inheriting from my grandparents. Because my dad and I do the right things.

My step mother, however would probably not include me in her will. That's on her.

Well said @Bananasandtoast

I'd contribute to the thread but I think OP is just being a goady fucker and I struggled to even understand half of the first post.

To begin with I never had a problem with my dss. Only when they got older and it was obvious they didn't really like me did I regret being a stepmother, nothing to do with anything else just I tried my hardest (they lived with us) and ended up just feeling like crap all the time

‘Right’ is subjective.

My kids stepmum is the reason they don't have a good relationship with their dad. From the moment they got together (while we were still married and she very much knew about all of us) she didn't want him to have anything to do with them and he's weak and spineless and went along with it. It's sad, she didn't even give them a chance but they're good kids. They subsequently don't have much of a relationship with their half siblings now either.

My DH is one of the best things that has happened to all of us since. He's the reason we have a secure home and a good life. I could never have provided them with what we have alone. We're not a "blended family" as such as he doesn't have children of his own but he fit into our family like he was always meant to be there.

I hate the posts where people say it's wrong to bring a partner into a family with kids, only for the adults etc because there are so many families just like mine where the incoming partner has stepped up and it just works. I know my children benefit from my DH being around, they love him and they'd tell you themselves. I mean, what sounds better? A struggling, stressed out single mum on an average income or a loving, financially secure family where they see what a relationship should look like?

@MississippiAF it's normally considered 'right' to share, and to treat everyone equally. It's how my side of the family feel anyway.

I'm sure people will disagree but then I think they're wrong.

I'm not a step mum but I agree. I'd go as far as to say that if I had to pick one topic that I've found most eye opening on mumsnet it would be the terrible attitude from step mums towards their step children.

This. Goady AF.