Being a step-mother

[VestibuleVirgin]

It used to recieved wisdom that it was pretty much always the man who would reject a woman's existing children if he remarried
Today, from the threads here, it's the women who absolutely viscerally hate their DPs or DHs children from a previous relationship.
From not taking them out with 'their birth DCs' (i.e leaving them behind), through not wanting to provide any care for them at their 'too frequent' access visits, and not wanting DH to spend to spend time with them, to hysteria that they must 'not be entitled to any of MY money when I die because their real mum will provde'...
Is it because you think the mother of the kids has some hold over you DH/P?
Is it because you would rather neither you nor your oh had any remider of his past life?
Many male animals kill the offspring of the previous male they have conquered.
Here, it seems like many of you would be happy if your DSC didn't exist!

How is it fair if the SC get to inherit from their mother, father and stepmum (and potentially stepdad) when the stepmums kids only get to inherit from her and their dad? I don’t see that as fair at all.

I certainly won’t be leaving anything to DSC as they already have a large maternal family to inherit from.

@Bananasandtoast
You hit the nail on the head!
Totally summed up my experience.

Same. Mine used to walk out rooms when me and my brother walked in. I say used to because we don't bother visiting anymore. She would give her sons Xmas presents in different room because they got more/better than us. She hid food and towels from me. The list goes on

I would hate to be a step-mother. I have zero interest in semi-mothering someone else's dc or anything else being a SM brings.

For that reason I wouldn't date a man with dc under 18. It's a job easily avoided if you don't want it!

I think it’s grabby AF to expect to inherit from your parents AND your stepparents, but actually this entitled attitude seems to
be fostered in blended families tbh.

I would be horrified if I had a partner who wrote about my child in a way that I see on here.
Completely nasty. I'm always under the impression you take that responsibility when you get with someone who have children. Not to mention, most of the women already have their own children and baggage too.

What a nasty, bitter post based on nothing I can see. I don't recognise your description of step mothers in my life or the lives of anyone I know.

I'm a step child times x6 times (6 step parents). Some were good, some were awful.

I think what someone upthread nails it though. Step mothers are expected to have all the disadvantages of being a parent without any of the advantages, and often at the expense of their own bio children.

It's stupid, and it serves no one in good stead. One of the best and happiest blended family relationships I know (friends with the bio mum type happy) is due in large part because the step mum, who is from a blended family herself, is not in any way shape or form taking the role of mother. She is affectionate, but does not see her sc as her responsibility, financially or otherwise. The father is the one who is responsible, but he has two dc (one with sm), and is responsible for both, and everyone accepts that. The relationships with the gp from both sides are kept separate, and that's not an issue for anyone.

A blended family is different from one where the birth mother has died. The birth mother is there, that need of the child is fulfilled, and duplicating it is neither possible nor desirable.

I think being a stepmother must be the most thankless task ever! You're always told you're marrying the man not his family, unless it's children rather than in-laws - then you must have some sort of superhuman maternal love for them, similar to any children you have of your own.

I feel stepmums can't do anything right - I wouldn't be one, because I couldn't deal with the constant shifting expectations! I don't think it's the case of stepparents that they'll step up, pay for the children, let them inherit from them (wild!!), take them everywhere, treat them exactly like any biological children, be childcare regardless of their own situation, but at the same time won't be allowed to discipline them, can't make judgement on the biological parents parenting, isn't allowed boundaries etc. It's a minefield!

As an observer of the threads here
And as a child of a step- family

You haven't read some of the posts here then
Not bitter at all; just observing (in the posts and responses on MN) that adults put their needs before those of their children

What a ridiculous and generalised thing to say.

I am a step mother and it's bloody HARD! What about seeing it from another POV? When you have an ex who is an awful mother, the children turn up dirty, skipping school, no boundaries, there's no co parenting, children are manipulated etc etc.

I love my dsc, I love my children. Yes, the love is totally different. That's normal, surely? I don't treat them any different when they are all here. I do so much to make sure my DSc are happy and well looked after. Blended families are tough!

But! I will not be leaving any of my inheritance to my dsc. Absolutely not. I don't think that makes me an awful step parent.

I think it’s very foolish to characterize all second marriages as the same as each other. Second marriages are no different to first marriages - if the people involved are selfish or immature, the relationship and their children will suffer.

The people who are jerks to their step kids or their own kids when they have a second family will have been jerks in their first marriage only.

No, it isn't fishing. What am I fishing for? I posted the thread because I have been shocked by some of the posters on this site who seem to see SC as an inconveniebce

You're a chamer aren't you?
But assert it is a goady post if it makes you feel better

The posts here on the step parents forum are not representative of all step mums it is an outlet for people who are struggling with various issues and anything I have seen that is nasty or unfair on the children rightly gets overwhelmingly called out, you are seeing what you want to see to reinforce your negative experience and opinions.

I have a loving and enriching relationship with my SC who has chosen as a teen to live with us.
Some parents are incredibly selfish, some step parents are too but every circumstance is different and nuanced and your seething post is not covering you in glory either.

If you’re insisting you’re not just being goady let’s reframe it.

do you think ALL husbands are useless arses who never help with housework?

do you think ALL stay at home mums are lazy ( or hero’s)

do you think ALL teenagers that are rude and nasty are damaged due to PURELY their parents actions?

because this sample of the population would lead you to believe these statements are 100% true … but people come here to moan / ask for support / vent. People don’t come here to share the good stuff do they?

you’ve made an assumption that suits you, but believing it’s true based on what you read on mumsnet is really quite stupid don’t you think?

Would also love to know WTF it's got to do with you OP. Do you even have any experience of this situation?

I feel like this is misogynistic. In my own experience it's the step fathers that are the problem.

My stepdaughter and I have a great relationship. She's an adult now. We spend time together, she confides in me and she made a real fuss of me on mothees day. She always does.

She lived with her mom and stepdad and other siblings. She has a real problems with him and from what I've heard was a nasty bully.

My own stepmother growing up was amazing. My stepfather was the cruel one.

Why are women always made to feel like shit?! Most of us are just doing our best!

Step mothers (and fathers) are like all people - some good, some bad and a range in between. Behind every bad step mother is an ineffective, weak dad who is happy to go along with whatever the step mum wants.

Eerm, yes I do
And of course, let's attack the OP because it's easier to misinterpret the post than try to articulate an answer.

Your post basically just attacks all SMs, and is based on no particular experience or circumstance. It's pointless.

Actually, i refer to the posts 'on here', i did not accuse all SMs.
Also, if you read the responses I have posted, you'll see that I was step-child, so no, your immediate judement of 'no experience' was way fucking wrong

I mean children who are abused in the home are most likely to be abused by a non related man but sure, step mums are the problem 🙄

Not in my case. We have my DSS 4/5 nights a week and I adore him. He’s my little best friend.

It might be different for us as I don’t have children (DP’s ex has two others who are her new partners) so he is our sole focus and he comes on holidays, I do school runs, wash his clothes, cook, we have days out just the two of us - I wouldn’t change our set up for the world.

yes it can be challenging - we’re going through an autism diagnosis for DSS but he’s an amazing kid.