Being a step-mother

[VestibuleVirgin]

It used to recieved wisdom that it was pretty much always the man who would reject a woman's existing children if he remarried
Today, from the threads here, it's the women who absolutely viscerally hate their DPs or DHs children from a previous relationship.
From not taking them out with 'their birth DCs' (i.e leaving them behind), through not wanting to provide any care for them at their 'too frequent' access visits, and not wanting DH to spend to spend time with them, to hysteria that they must 'not be entitled to any of MY money when I die because their real mum will provde'...
Is it because you think the mother of the kids has some hold over you DH/P?
Is it because you would rather neither you nor your oh had any remider of his past life?
Many male animals kill the offspring of the previous male they have conquered.
Here, it seems like many of you would be happy if your DSC didn't exist!

I know plenty disagree too but I do think step fathers generally have it easier than step mothers.

Us womenz folk are expected to be ever so loving and nurturing and, never mind who's responsibility it is, we should just want to care for and raise anyone's children because we possess wombs or some shit.

My husbands ex has asked a lot, I feel, of me in the past in this sort of vein and yet her partner is never expected to do much more than just be there and be nice to them. Can't think of a single time he's been asked to do a school run.

Yeah yeah yeah a lot of the time step fathers live more with the children than step mum's do. But let's not pretend it's likely in that scenario that mum doesn't do the majority of child rearing in her home whether or not the step father is simply there.

Your opening post contained the word hysteria.

No @VestibuleVirgin I think the word she was looking for was definitely variety.

@Untethered ffs no it's not a duty it's a natural normal thing that often happens especially when you are in a loving and equitable relationship with your partner the father, it's not about expectations it's about being human and establishing a bond with a child or children who are a massive part of your life.
If that doesn't happen I think it's sad for the children and must be incredibly stressful for the step mum and dad and leads to the sort of threads on here where people are struggling.
Everyone is different but not everyone can have relationships with children and remain emotionally distant.

Such a wit with bitchy-ness thrown in free!
woo-hoo, well done

Everyone is different but not everyone can have relationships with children and remain emotionally distant

And by the same token not everyone develops strong bonds with a child just because they live with them part of the week.

There's surely a whole factor of things, personality (not everyone is a massive children person), age you met the DC, how your partner parents them, behaviour of the DC, behaviour of the ex etc..

It's not as simple as "oh but you live with them some of the time how can you not have a super strong bond". I can think of several reasons why you may not within the first 10 seconds of trying.

The post where a DM deciding to work last minute on Mother’s Day was accepted without comment, but it was terrible that the stepmum didn’t then immediately change all her plans to include the poor DSC, instead leaving them with their DF, is an example.

Well exactly. You're a woman so how could you not just immediately drop your plans to parent your husbands children for him. Yawn.

Thank you 👍🏻

Yes and they are expected to just put up with it too because they couldn't possibly "take it out on the children" by forcing their partner to parent his kids himself..

Why should she?

This.

It's an unnatural situation when you think about it.

Er, you’ve used ‘hysteria’ in your OP on this thread. Do you want me to link to this thread? 😂

And yes, ‘variety’ is a word.

@VestibuleVirgin nothing like a panicked swan dive when swathes of people disagree with you.

I agree. It does go against what feels natural so it's not hard to understand why some people find it tough.

And by the same token not everyone develops strong bonds with a child just because they live with them part of the week.

Agreed. OP can you explain how simply being in the same house for a few days per week with someone will create a massive bond?

I met my now husband and fell for him, he was separated with 3 kids. 2 older teens and an 11 yr old. I spent years in a one way street of caring with nothing but vitriol back. 20 yrs later and I’m there - yes 20yrs. Their mum cause me untold amounts of grief ( I am significantly younger than her) but it’s been worth it. I never viewed anything as the kids fault, their mum damaged them by using them as pawns but I will say the role of a step mum can be a thankless and almost
impossible one it just depends on what your line in the sand for throwing the towel on is.

Sadly this is true.

There are some wonderful stepmums out there, some are infinitely better than the biological mothers however they appear to be in a minority. I'm often shocked at the vitriol spouted on the steparenting board towards young children. These women have no business being steparents.

I really, really don't give a shit that people disagree with me. Life would be very boring living in an echo chamber.
However, it's the vapdity of the responses that is tedious and the fact that some people have to get in a dig rather than just add a different viewpoint. Being told 'x' about oneself in such an authoritative way by a pp who has no fucking idea about my life is ridiculous.
Yes, it is the AIBU thread, but some think this gives them free-rein to say what they like. Still, freedom of speech and all that...

I am at the point where we are planning to introduce my partner to my children (been in a relationship 12 months, will be more like 14/15 months when he meets them).

He doesn’t have children, I have been clear I won’t have anymore. This is the only way I could ever do a blended family.

I can’t say with certainty this relationship is forever, who can, but I’m certain Iv found a gentle and kind man and although we don’t know how things will go or what role he would play in their lives, those qualities in him will make it something positive for my children.

That is the key, making sure your choice of partner emotionally intelligent and compassionate.

I think women are justifiably refusing to take on full responsibility for their husband's children as an unpaid nanny, giving him free pass to do as he pleases, unencumbered by his children. Within this context, exists a minority of women who are deeply resentful of their position as second wife and would ideally prefer to erase all evidence of the original family. The first provides them with justification for the second.

Your problem OP (and so many others) is that you think DSC should be included in absolutely everything and get absolutely everything from absolutely everyone. If you think like that then of course you’re going to be gobsmacked when a stepmum spends some well deserved quality time with her own child. That’s your problem.

Just to add some positivity to this thread.. My parents separated when I was 10 and my dad remarried a few years later. I love my step-mum to bits and - even though my dad died over 10 years ago - I still see and speak to her regularly. On that same note, my DP has a 12 yo daughter and I love her to bits too. We get on well, I don't think I overstep the mark in anyway (?!), she tells me all her school gossip (which her dad isn't bothered about!) and usually runs most stuff by me (whether she can join a dance class / have a sleepover / go shopping with her friends etc). I know things might change as she gets older but from day one I think we've felt comfortable around each other.

I think the key is knowing your boundaries (I never agree to anything with DSD without telling her to run it by her mum or dad first), don't ask / discuss her "other" parents / homelife unless they want to talk about anything (I have a friend who constantly quizzes her DSDs about their mum which must make them so uncomfortable?!), let them spend one on one time with their parent without you being around, make sure they feel comfortable in your home (sounds obvious but I know of some step-parents who are determined to make their SC feel like guests when they stay over) and most importantly (in my opinion), don't try to be a parent, let them guide the relationship and follow their lead in terms of how affectionate / open / trusting they are.

Remember the children didn't choose for their parents to split up or to live between 2 homes. It's our responsibility as adults, parents and step-parents to make the transition and new life as easy and normal as possible for them.

I personally don't know of a single situation where it worked out, it always seems to be a disaster. My uncle and his wife divorced when his kids were adults and while the kids accepted that they still gave his new partner (he met a couple of years after they separated) a really hard time and eventually broke off all contact with their dad.

I dated a divorced man with young adult and teenage daughters (and one son), the son was fine with me but his daughters were horrendous to me, acted like I'd been the one to break up their parents marriage when I didn't even meet him until after the divorce and it was the mothers affair that caused the split.

Never again!

The wicked step mother trope is incredibly damaging because it means a lot of people go into blended family situations thinking they know what they’re getting into and they’ll be fine because they’re not that person - they like kids, don’t see them as a threat or as a reminder of the ex, will be happy to be kind and fair, even pick up the odd school run etc so yeah there might be the odd bump in the road just like in nuclear families but nothing that can’t be overcome with a bit of love.

Nothing prepares you for issues caused by loyalty binds, having an ex actively working against you forming bonds with your DSC, Disney parenting (which just looks like love to the inexperienced eye), expected to put yourself last all the time to accommodate others’ wants (not needs), the give an inch take a mile expectations placed upon you, all with a healthy dose of treat them like your own but know your place if you want any input. It messes with your head having literally everything you do, even the most mundane interactions, judged as “evidence” as to whether you love or accept your DSCs. But it’s the boiling frog syndrome - you don’t realise you’ve ended up walking on eggshells all the time because it becomes your norm gradually - just like someone in a controlling relationship doesn’t realise they’re being abused because appeasing their abuser so that things don’t kick off just becomes instinctive.

Yes you’re going to get awful step parents but it’s not because step parenting is wrong per se - you get awful parents too. Arseholes gonna arsehole whether they’re dating someone with kids or not. And let’s not forget where the real responsibility lies for bringing these people into their DC’s lives - the parent. For every step mum misdirecting their resentment onto their DSC I see a lot more adult stepchildren who misdirect their anger from their actual parent onto their step parent.