To assume that no children's name on wedding invitation means they aren't invited?

[guptent]

An old friend of mine is getting married soon. We don't know each other well anymore but used to be close (school). We meet up maybe once every year or couple of years and send "big life event" news in a group chat.

Me (and several others from our old friendship group) are all invited to her wedding in a a couple of months which is very nice. However, the invite has only mine and DHs name on but not DS' (who will be 19 months at the time)

She doesn't have her own children but from what I've known of her she always seemed to like children and being around them. She has a big family with lots of children etc. I know that child-free weddings are becoming more common but she really would never strike me as being a person who would have one. Obviously I don't know her as well as I once did but I would be genuinely amazed if there were no children there.

Im also surprised because several of our friendship group have young children (some babies in arms age) and it's not been mentioned at any point prior to this.

The problem is, going without DS makes things much more difficult. It's several hours drive away in quite a remote place. She's my friend primarily so if only one of us went it would be me, but I don't drive so getting there is going to be difficult if DH isn't there driving. I could get a train but it still wouldn't get me very close so I'd have to get quite a long taxi too which is going to be expensive.

Obviously we could both go and leave DS with someone. However, DS is very anxious and quite sensitive and gets upset without us there. We have built up to the point he can stay with his grandparents for a few hours alone while we go out but him staying overnight without us is likely going to be difficult.

Separation anxiety aside, he's not the easiest sleeper. Once asleep he always sleeps right through the night but getting him to sleep takes a long time (often upwards of an hour). We do not want to sleep train. While hour long bedtimes aren't ideal, he's otherwise good and so it's just one of those things at the moment. I just feel like asking my parents to spend potentially hours trying to get him to sleep is a bit unfair on them. But I wouldn't want him being left to cry either.

I do think we could sort something to make it work if needs be and I do want to go to be there with her and share her day. She is within her rights to have any kind of wedding she wants. I'm not complaining if that's what she has decided.

However DH thinks it's likely that she's made a mistake and expects that we will be bringing DS. He thinks perhaps she couldn't remember his name (she could have checked back on the group chat though) or something. He thinks I should ask and confirm. I don't what to as I feel I'll be putting her on the spot.

However, if we say nothing and do all this sorting to make it work and it turns out DS was always invited it will admittedly be a bit annoying and I will regret not mentioning it.

I just feel we have no choice because it's too rude to ask. In my opinion, wedding invitations are written out very purposefully.

He isn’t invited, right?

You’ve already answered your own question. So, why ask?

The reason it is considered rude (by some people) is because it’s putting the friend on the spot, and forcing her to actually come out and say, ‘no, I don’t want your child at my wedding’.

A lot of people wouldn’t want to put their friend in the position of having to actually come out and say that, out loud.

I’m such a person. I’d hate to put a friend on the spot like that, so I’d never dream of asking. When I was EBF DD, then aged 5 months, I was invited to a child-free wedding. I just declined, as I couldn’t go without DD, but I would never ask if she was invited - when her name clearly wasn’t on the invitation.

Other people don’t think it’s rude, and would ask.

No-one’s necessarily right or wrong, it’s just different perceptions.

Askers v guessers.

He’s not invited. When I did my wedding invites, I wrote on who was invited. I invited children of my closest friends and my sisters children, other than that, no children. I have my own children but they are older now. I have been at other weddings with kids screaming through the ceremony and the speeches, the parents trying to shush or calm them but not removing them because they wanted to be present; absolutely ruined it for me so goodness knows how the B&Gs felt. I never took my children when they were small, I did not want to ruin anyone’s special day. It’s boring for kids I don’t know why anyone would want to take small children to a wedding. As I think someone else has said too a lot of venues will charge for a child over 12 months.

Only named people asked...ask her but I suspect your dc isn't invited

Interesting.

You’ve already answered your own question. So, why ask?

not my thought process as all. I phrased it this way for the reasons outlined below and not because I’m actually sure that the LO isn’t inviter…

confirming something (even if said person may assume that it’s “bad news” for the one who happens to be asking) is generally easier than saying no to somebody and feeling as if you’re letting them down.

If this was my friend I would want to give her the opportunity to simply say “yes, he isn’t invited” without feeling like she’s the bearer of unexpected and disappointing news. Or she’d have the opportunity say “oh no, he’s actually invited” and give me what she’ll (presumably) consider to be good news

”he’s invited, isn’t he?” Would seem rather more awkward. Makes it sound as if I believed that he was invited which puts her in the position of having to let me down or uninvite the LO.

Especially if my friend happens to be a somewhat sensitive soul who finds it difficult to say no… (<= I’m a bit of a people pleaser and quite familiar with the problem myself)

”Is he invited” may seem more neutral but has some of the already mentioned issues as well imo.

confirming something (even if said person may assume that it’s “bad news” for the one who happens to be asking) is generally easier than saying no to somebody and feeling as if you’re letting them down.

That makes sense. I still wouldn’t be prepared to even say that though, as it still involves putting my friend in the position of implicitly (if not explicitly) having to say they don’t want my kid at their wedding. That’s awkward, and I don’t want to make people feel awkward.

I think a lot of people are like me - we just do think it is rude to ask.

I get asked stuff by people, and my answer is sometimes ‘no’ and I really hate being put in the position of having to say ‘no’, so I won’t put others in the that position.

When I declined the wedding I referred to in my previous post, I got a call up almost immediately to say our baby was welcome, and it didn’t involve me even having to ask if she was invited. There are ways … and ways. 😉

my son was a very very early riser every morning, think 3-5am every day. I was absolutely exhausted and lived nowhere near family. Every time we visited family my sister would encourage me to let him sleep
over at hers, and I was so exhausted I always did. Feeling terrible that it would be inflicted on someone else…
every single time he slept normally. One time I didn’t wake up until 8am and I rang her immediately very apologetic saying I’d be there asap…I had woken her, and she went into the room he was sleeping in and he was still asleep!!!!!!! So what I’m saying is, definitely give his grandparents a try and see how it goes, because in my experience they often behave very differently elsewhere!!
my daughter is the opposite and sleeps very well, often beyond 7am, however when we stay elsewhere she wakes up by 6 most of the time 😂🤷🏽‍♀️
however I also would just ask, ‘can I just check that it’s no children?’
we have a wedding in October, dp’s cousin, and the save the date only had our name on it but I’ve assumed children are invited and have actually rearranged my sons dad that he will be with us for that weekend so if it turns out children aren’t invited I won’t be going 😂

Kid isn’t invited. If she couldn’t remember the kids name they aren’t close enough to get an invite. Or she would’ve put ‘you and family’

kid isn’t invited. Don’t bring it. You can ask, but it’s rude.

There is only one person who can definitively answer this question. I’m sure others have already said this, but it is not at all rude to ask for clarification. It’s rude to turn up with DS if he’s not invited. Given that you’re not the only one in this position from your old group, I’d just post very casually on the chat saying you’re excited for her big day and just wanted clarification that DS isn’t invited, so you can give the grandparents lots of notice for their sleepover. Then everyone is clear on the stance, no dramas.

Also, he’ll probably be fine going to bed for grandparents. My DD has been a right pain for us at various stages, but family never have any issues!

I actually ended up having a child free wedding because the cost went up significantly if I had allowed all the children there. I never imagined a child free wedding for myself, but budget wise it’s what we had to do in order to have the wedding I wanted. I did make an exception for a friend who had a 3 month old, and would have been happy to do so for anyone who asked.

"however I also would just ask, ‘can I just check that it’s no children?"

But that's not actually relevant is it? She might have many, many children invited, but it still doesn't mean that the OPs child is invited! And it's much harder for the bride to tell the OP then!