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AIBU?

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Original poster

To assume that no children's name on wedding invitation means they aren't invited?

135 replies

guptent · 14/03/2024 18:31

An old friend of mine is getting married soon. We don't know each other well anymore but used to be close (school). We meet up maybe once every year or couple of years and send "big life event" news in a group chat.

Me (and several others from our old friendship group) are all invited to her wedding in a a couple of months which is very nice. However, the invite has only mine and DHs name on but not DS' (who will be 19 months at the time)

She doesn't have her own children but from what I've known of her she always seemed to like children and being around them. She has a big family with lots of children etc. I know that child-free weddings are becoming more common but she really would never strike me as being a person who would have one. Obviously I don't know her as well as I once did but I would be genuinely amazed if there were no children there.

Im also surprised because several of our friendship group have young children (some babies in arms age) and it's not been mentioned at any point prior to this.

The problem is, going without DS makes things much more difficult. It's several hours drive away in quite a remote place. She's my friend primarily so if only one of us went it would be me, but I don't drive so getting there is going to be difficult if DH isn't there driving. I could get a train but it still wouldn't get me very close so I'd have to get quite a long taxi too which is going to be expensive.

Obviously we could both go and leave DS with someone. However, DS is very anxious and quite sensitive and gets upset without us there. We have built up to the point he can stay with his grandparents for a few hours alone while we go out but him staying overnight without us is likely going to be difficult.

Separation anxiety aside, he's not the easiest sleeper. Once asleep he always sleeps right through the night but getting him to sleep takes a long time (often upwards of an hour). We do not want to sleep train. While hour long bedtimes aren't ideal, he's otherwise good and so it's just one of those things at the moment. I just feel like asking my parents to spend potentially hours trying to get him to sleep is a bit unfair on them. But I wouldn't want him being left to cry either.

I do think we could sort something to make it work if needs be and I do want to go to be there with her and share her day. She is within her rights to have any kind of wedding she wants. I'm not complaining if that's what she has decided.

However DH thinks it's likely that she's made a mistake and expects that we will be bringing DS. He thinks perhaps she couldn't remember his name (she could have checked back on the group chat though) or something. He thinks I should ask and confirm. I don't what to as I feel I'll be putting her on the spot.

However, if we say nothing and do all this sorting to make it work and it turns out DS was always invited it will admittedly be a bit annoying and I will regret not mentioning it.

I just feel we have no choice because it's too rude to ask. In my opinion, wedding invitations are written out very purposefully.

OP posts:
CarrotsAndCheese · 17/03/2024 15:45

@guptent Definitely do ask, OP. We didn't write children's names on our wedding invitations but had a couple of guests email us to ask politely and it was no problem at all. They had babies or toddlers so we understood that it would have been hard for them to leave them with someone else. We asked if they needed a high chair and made up little goodie bags especially for the little kids.

Anotherdayanotherdollar · 17/03/2024 16:13

Just leave him with your parents and go enjoy yourselves! The longer you leave it before leaving him overnight the harder it will be. And if a second baby comes along you're back to square one, and babysitters much less enthusiastic about 2 kids...

hopscotcher · 17/03/2024 16:19

Jesus, just ask her!

Flo22 · 17/03/2024 16:54

guptent · 14/03/2024 18:31

An old friend of mine is getting married soon. We don't know each other well anymore but used to be close (school). We meet up maybe once every year or couple of years and send "big life event" news in a group chat.

Me (and several others from our old friendship group) are all invited to her wedding in a a couple of months which is very nice. However, the invite has only mine and DHs name on but not DS' (who will be 19 months at the time)

She doesn't have her own children but from what I've known of her she always seemed to like children and being around them. She has a big family with lots of children etc. I know that child-free weddings are becoming more common but she really would never strike me as being a person who would have one. Obviously I don't know her as well as I once did but I would be genuinely amazed if there were no children there.

Im also surprised because several of our friendship group have young children (some babies in arms age) and it's not been mentioned at any point prior to this.

The problem is, going without DS makes things much more difficult. It's several hours drive away in quite a remote place. She's my friend primarily so if only one of us went it would be me, but I don't drive so getting there is going to be difficult if DH isn't there driving. I could get a train but it still wouldn't get me very close so I'd have to get quite a long taxi too which is going to be expensive.

Obviously we could both go and leave DS with someone. However, DS is very anxious and quite sensitive and gets upset without us there. We have built up to the point he can stay with his grandparents for a few hours alone while we go out but him staying overnight without us is likely going to be difficult.

Separation anxiety aside, he's not the easiest sleeper. Once asleep he always sleeps right through the night but getting him to sleep takes a long time (often upwards of an hour). We do not want to sleep train. While hour long bedtimes aren't ideal, he's otherwise good and so it's just one of those things at the moment. I just feel like asking my parents to spend potentially hours trying to get him to sleep is a bit unfair on them. But I wouldn't want him being left to cry either.

I do think we could sort something to make it work if needs be and I do want to go to be there with her and share her day. She is within her rights to have any kind of wedding she wants. I'm not complaining if that's what she has decided.

However DH thinks it's likely that she's made a mistake and expects that we will be bringing DS. He thinks perhaps she couldn't remember his name (she could have checked back on the group chat though) or something. He thinks I should ask and confirm. I don't what to as I feel I'll be putting her on the spot.

However, if we say nothing and do all this sorting to make it work and it turns out DS was always invited it will admittedly be a bit annoying and I will regret not mentioning it.

I just feel we have no choice because it's too rude to ask. In my opinion, wedding invitations are written out very purposefully.

Seriously ask her? Why are you posting on here? Wtf?????

RedHelenB · 17/03/2024 17:13

If your parents are hapoy to have dc thrn let them and enjoy some quality time with dh. You may be pleasantly surprised at how well he falls asleep for others.

Luckylu123 · 18/03/2024 07:54

theres no assumption to be made here, your child’s name is not on the invite, he is not invited.

Jc2001 · 18/03/2024 08:41

Flo22 · 17/03/2024 16:54

Seriously ask her? Why are you posting on here? Wtf?????

Show quote history

Haha. Yeah. 5 pages of speculation from complete strangers on the Internet.

Just ask ffs.

Daisyblue77 · 18/03/2024 09:16

just ask her.

Katiebaby3009 · 18/03/2024 09:24

He’s not invited and in all honesty, taking him would not be fun! In my experience, only close family children tend to be invited. It does cost a lot if you invite everyone’s children. At 19 months, he would need a meal and a seat at a table. I would leave him with grandparents if that’s an option. I’m sure they will be happy to have him.

Notbridezilla · 18/03/2024 15:03

I’m getting married in July and we’ve invited some kids but not all- just the ones we know well- because there just isn’t space for all of them; plus several friends already made it clear they were very happy to leave their kids!!! The names of those invited were on the invitations, but I wouldn’t have minded if people had asked for clarification though.

Notbridezilla · 18/03/2024 15:10

SecondHandFurniture · 14/03/2024 19:28

He's not invited.

We had a wedding venue for 70 people, as that was all you were allowed for insurance/fire safety reasons, regardless of catering headcounts.

Yep- same here and that’s why we can’t invite everyone’s kids. The limit of 120 is for fire regulations and makes no difference if they’re adults or children.

Imisssleep2 · 18/03/2024 19:11

Unless the invite specifically says no children, you will have to ask to be sure then you can plan accordingly.

Due to numbers, we only had immediate family children and wedding party, which resulted in 4 children, two of which were 6 months old. But we put this on the invite to save any confusion.

Don't feel bad asking, if over text she won't be out too much on the spot as if was in person.

Mamasperspective · 18/03/2024 19:14

Can you pay for an extra hotel room and take your mother to stay with LO in the hotel? You could all have a nice day out somewhere the following day.

SKG231 · 18/03/2024 19:27

Names on the invites are the people who are invited.

I am getting married in a few months and we will have our family children there but no others and we have done our invites the same as your friend. Names on the invites are who is invited.

Snugglemonkey · 18/03/2024 20:34

Fireyflies · 14/03/2024 18:55

Does your friend definitely know DS's name? I think "and family" seems a bit of a weird way to refer to a single child and could imagine just leaving the child off if I couldn't remember his name. I'm not sure all weddings have strict rules about children, there might be a bit of flex given he's under 2 (and therefore wouldn't normally be counted as needing a meal or a chair) and you say you might struggle to attend otherwise. I don't think it's rude to ask, as long as you show you accept whatever answer she gives you.

Surely a 1 year old needs a seat and a meal?

Taylor3 · 18/03/2024 20:44

There’s no harm in checking.

I got married slightly older and as much as I love kids and have my own l if I’d invited all the kids of the guests then the kids would have more than doubled the adults and I didn’t want that many children there, plus I really wanted a party atmosphere drinking and dancing until the early morning… I did however contact all of my closest friends beforehand to see if they would still be able to travel if the kids weren’t invited and actually they were all excited to be child free. There were exceptions, (bridal party children and babes in arms) but everyone was happy.

I wouldn’t have minded at all if someone contacted me to ask the question as long as it wasn’t just “is bob junior invited” because then I’d have panicked over a right and wrong answer but if it was worded “no issues either way just need to know if I need to get some childcare sorted :) “

don’t overthink it, go any enjoy with your friends x

MrsSunshine2b · 19/03/2024 01:40

You can decline and say "Thank you for the invitation but DS isn't yet at a stage where we feel comfortable leaving him overnight. However, we hope you have a wonderful day," and if she intended you to bring him she'll get back and say so.

HMW1906 · 19/03/2024 07:38

I’d presume DC wasn’t invited. Honestly taking a 19 month old to a wedding would be pure hell anyway for both you and for your child. Your child doesn’t want to be at an event where they will often need to be quiet, the B&G don’t want any child screaming through their vows or nice expensive wedding meal. My friend brought her 19 month old to my wedding, she didn’t want to but didn’t have childcare due to family illness, her husband spent large parts of the day outside walking around with him as he was overwhelmed and irritable when around a lot of people. I didn’t ask her to do that but I’m glad she didn’t just let him scream through the entire day.

We only invited family children or very tiny babies, my friend asked if hers could come as they didn’t have any childcare options at all and my friend didn’t know many of my other friends so didn’t want to come alone ideally (although would have if I’d said her son couldn’t come). If we’d invited all the friends kids, many of whom we haven’t met and couldn’t tell you the names of, then our guest list would have doubled and we would have had to remove half of our friends from the list to allow the other half to bring their kids, we weren’t prepared to do that.

user1492757084 · 19/03/2024 07:45

Can you take DS and use a babysitter connected to the bridal couple or local to the wedding?

Goatymum · 19/03/2024 07:55

DS def not invited- either go with your friends or work up to leaving ds overnight with GPs.
When we got married - 24 ish years ago - the only children we had were close relatives. Our friends with DCs (not many at that point) were happy to have a child-free evening.

Lifebeganat50 · 19/03/2024 07:58

Name on invitation = invited
name NOT on invitation = NOT invited.

Don’t put your friend in a difficult position by asking.

I’ve never heard of this anywhere but mumsnet

HopePope · 19/03/2024 08:32

Yes. I agree with you - invites are written very intentionally. We are having kids who are family and godchildren. The numbers are too tight (max 100 people) and with family kids there will be lots of hands on deck to give the parents a rest on the day. I would have a weekend off and leave with your grandparents or go with your friends. Some of them may be going solo too and you could share cars and hotels etc

Lottielooper · 19/03/2024 10:37

Could you just drop her a message and ask?
”hey, thanks SO much for the invitation, we are super excited to be part of your big day! Just wanted to check, if you welcome children attending or is it a grown ups only day? Thanks lovely!”

PumpkinsAndCoconuts · 19/03/2024 10:52

I can’t believe that some posters think it’s rude to ask. They’re friends! How / why would it be rude?

”hello, thank you for the invite, super excited! Just checking to see whether I should sort childcare for DS. He isn’t invited, right? Best / kisses / see you soon”

Scooby2024 · 19/03/2024 17:03

Tbh we are getting married later this year and only have a friend coming from abroad with there child and our 3 family children including our one son. We haven't invited any other kids as we would of had to invite a further 18 children and any child over 1 has to be paid for (at £45 a head 🤦‍♀️). Very likely they are keeping it to family children if any at all.