To assume that no children's name on wedding invitation means they aren't invited?

[guptent]

An old friend of mine is getting married soon. We don't know each other well anymore but used to be close (school). We meet up maybe once every year or couple of years and send "big life event" news in a group chat.

Me (and several others from our old friendship group) are all invited to her wedding in a a couple of months which is very nice. However, the invite has only mine and DHs name on but not DS' (who will be 19 months at the time)

She doesn't have her own children but from what I've known of her she always seemed to like children and being around them. She has a big family with lots of children etc. I know that child-free weddings are becoming more common but she really would never strike me as being a person who would have one. Obviously I don't know her as well as I once did but I would be genuinely amazed if there were no children there.

Im also surprised because several of our friendship group have young children (some babies in arms age) and it's not been mentioned at any point prior to this.

The problem is, going without DS makes things much more difficult. It's several hours drive away in quite a remote place. She's my friend primarily so if only one of us went it would be me, but I don't drive so getting there is going to be difficult if DH isn't there driving. I could get a train but it still wouldn't get me very close so I'd have to get quite a long taxi too which is going to be expensive.

Obviously we could both go and leave DS with someone. However, DS is very anxious and quite sensitive and gets upset without us there. We have built up to the point he can stay with his grandparents for a few hours alone while we go out but him staying overnight without us is likely going to be difficult.

Separation anxiety aside, he's not the easiest sleeper. Once asleep he always sleeps right through the night but getting him to sleep takes a long time (often upwards of an hour). We do not want to sleep train. While hour long bedtimes aren't ideal, he's otherwise good and so it's just one of those things at the moment. I just feel like asking my parents to spend potentially hours trying to get him to sleep is a bit unfair on them. But I wouldn't want him being left to cry either.

I do think we could sort something to make it work if needs be and I do want to go to be there with her and share her day. She is within her rights to have any kind of wedding she wants. I'm not complaining if that's what she has decided.

However DH thinks it's likely that she's made a mistake and expects that we will be bringing DS. He thinks perhaps she couldn't remember his name (she could have checked back on the group chat though) or something. He thinks I should ask and confirm. I don't what to as I feel I'll be putting her on the spot.

However, if we say nothing and do all this sorting to make it work and it turns out DS was always invited it will admittedly be a bit annoying and I will regret not mentioning it.

I just feel we have no choice because it's too rude to ask. In my opinion, wedding invitations are written out very purposefully.

I think it’s pretty clear DS isn’t invited and your DH is wrong. People don’t make a mistake like that on a wedding invitation. I had a child free wedding over 25 years ago and that was for 2 reasons :

1. cost ( having all friends kids and family was another 20 - 35 plus so we couldn’t afford it)
2. Children at weddings tend to mean that they get tired hungry and bored and then parents get stressed - I didn’t want that stress for my guests.

I know it won’t have gone down well with some but most people were ok - only one couple brought their child ( who wasn’t invited)

I would assume your child isn't invited but it is perfectly reasonable and not rude to ask.

Your DS quite clearly isn't invited. I wouldn't even ask the question. As someone else said it doesn't mean it's a child free wedding.

It's perfectly reasonable to invite nieces and nephews but not children that you have only met once or twice (assuming as you say you only meet every other year or so)!

I was in a similar situation to you (plus my toddler still breastfed at night), so I stayed near to the wedding venue with DH and kids, but only I actually went to the wedding. It was a nice area and we stayed for a few nights so made it into a holiday. Just an idea worth considering.

Regarding us not being close enough for DS to take up a space - I hadn't even considered that he would be old enough to be counted as a guest for numbers or that they would expect for him to require a meal or anything.

Obviously if him being there costs extra then that's completely understandable that he's not invited. I was thinking of such young kids as a sort of free-add on which is why I assumed that unless a wedding was child-free, anyone's babies and toddlers would be welcome.

It was a lack of understanding of how it all works rather than an assumption that they should pay extra for my DS. As it is I know it's very nice that me and DH are even invited since we aren't that close.

I think it's quite unusual to have kids at a wedding in my experience unless they're in immediate family. We had a child-free wedding 10 years ago when some of our friends had babies and toddlers. I didn't want kids at the wedding.

This is quite a nice idea and both DH and DS would probably actually enjoy this a lot more anyway. Thanks!

Id think at nearly 2 he’d need his own kids meal? Wedding food isn’t usually massive.

Just ask. But it’s their wedding, and it’s their choice. Why not just go as a group of friends, leave partners and kids at home, travel together and share a nice house for the weekend?

Does your friend definitely know DS's name? I think "and family" seems a bit of a weird way to refer to a single child and could imagine just leaving the child off if I couldn't remember his name. I'm not sure all weddings have strict rules about children, there might be a bit of flex given he's under 2 (and therefore wouldn't normally be counted as needing a meal or a chair) and you say you might struggle to attend otherwise. I don't think it's rude to ask, as long as you show you accept whatever answer she gives you.

Your DS isn’t invited.

I would accept the invite for you and either go with your DH and DS for a weekend away, with you spending a day at the wedding, or else just stay with some of your other friends.

The likelihood is that the children of immediate family and very close friends might be invited but other children won’t be. Places will charge for them and they will count as a space which the bride and groom would undoubtedly prefer went to a friend of theirs.

As it is I know it's very nice that me and DH are even invited since we aren't that close.

........and there's your answer.
It might be a child free wedding.
It might not be a child free wedding, but either way that doesn't mean you dc is invited.
It is perfectly feasible that a B&G might invite their own nieces and nephews and other dc they are close to and have a relationship with and still not invite children they don't know at all.

Etiquette suggests that the people named on the invitation are the people invited, so I would assume your dc isn't invited.
However dh and I turned up to the wedding of a friend of his 20 odd years ago, having gone to a great deal of effort to get 3 different sets of people to each look after one of our dc, and the first things they said, after 'Hi' was "Where are your kids?"..... "You should have brought them".

The fact you don't drive isn't really the host's issue.
If it is too difficult to go, then it is okay to thank her for the invitation, but decline. That's fine. If it were someone you were super close to, you'd find a way, otherwise, you just accept it as one of those things that gets more complicated when your dc are small. It passes.

I don’t think he’s invited, but it’s perfectly possible to ask politely. Just say you are excited to attend but want to double check before making arrangements.

They don't have to invite ALL the kids. They probably thought you'd leave the kids with someone else.

If your dh is up for staying nearby you could write to your friend saying as it will just be you as your dh will need to look after ds, at this point if she realises she forgot his name she can correct herself, if he's not invited she'll just acknowledge it's just you coming

Some venues are sensible, others [including mine] will charge the price of a full adult meal [£100+] for a toddler and include them fully in the headcount. So even though they could potentially be parked in a pram to one side asleep during the meal, in a small venue they could be taking a precious seat and be a costly addition.

Presume there is no accommodation at the venue or that you intend to travel back that night? If you are staying it's always an option to find a sitter through the hotel to cover you for a few hours dinner and a spot of dancing. One of you can put him to bed. These days, it's all registered nannies with full DBS checks.

I would just pop her a note on WhatsApp.
Received your lovely invite today, so excited for you. Will need to work through some family logistics on childcare as DC is a bit clingy and anxious at the moment and not sure if the parents/pil are up for their first overnighter. Will let you know how we are fixed asap.

This...

You state its a group of friends, 5 turns into 18, that's a big jump for space and budget when it's friends from way back when. Especially if the Groom also has a similar friend group on their side all of a sudden the friends turn into 40 people to seat and feed...

At our wedding reception, children over 12 months were counted as a guest for catering purposes. We also had a maximum number of guests allowed so we had a child-free wedding for that reason.

You don't need to find out. You know. The invite is clear. Not named, not invited.

If I was getting married and people who don't understand how an invite works, were contacting me to ask, I would be sorry I had even invited them in the first place.

Nope he’s not invited. Personally I’d decline. My MIL once horrified me by asking the b&g if our ds was invited to a wedding that he wasn’t on the invite because she was ‘certain’ he was…he wasn’t! It was in another country, I had no one to watch ds and he was tiny anyway, I would not have left him.

I've had this too.

I would say they aren’t invited.
Our wedding wasn’t child free as we had family children that came but our friends children were not invited. None of them were fussed they were quite happy as meant it was a child free evening for them. I’ve also been to many weddings where my children have not been invited and I understand why and was quite happy to hace a child free evening. Only exception I would have made is if any of my friends had a very young newborn or if they were still breastfeeding as I wouldn’t expect then to leave a new baby and if still breastfeeding the baby needs their mum. None of my friends were in that scenario but if they were that would have been fine

If his name isn’t on the invite then take it he isn’t invited. That’s how I approached my child free wedding. You could also ask her to clarify (I had people do this for my wedding and I didn’t mind - would much rather that than them turn up with an unexpected child!).

It could be that she can’t have all the children there - you say there’s lots of children in the family so maybe she has to prioritise, and that could be the lot and she can’t have anymore due to numbers. Children still do count towards numbers unless they’re little babies. We took my DS to a wedding at 17 months old and he had his own kids meal (which he loved), place setting, goody bag and seat at the table (in a high chair).

It could also be, that while she loves kids, she doesn’t want loads at her wedding? When we took DS he had a lovely time, but admittedly got very bored, then hyper, then loud, had a few tantrums and DH and I had to take turns taking him outside the reception when the speeches were going on and in between meal courses as he would have caused no end of disruption. We also missed a couple of group photographs as one of us was doing something with DS. We had my Dad come and pick him up at 7:30 to go home and put him to bed and babysit, so we could stay for the evening do. Otherwise we’d have had to miss that as DS was a ratty, tired mess by that point. Tbh, we went to a child free wedding a month before that and I spent the whole time missing DS and wishing he was there, but after the second wedding I realised I’d far enjoyed the kid free one more. I’d ask your friend for clarification, but don’t be disappointed if it’s a no.

I think it is ok to ask the question, but I would probably also assume not invited (but I would probably check if logistically a pain to not bring kids!).

He’s not invited. Go with DH or get DH and DS to stay in a hotel nearby for the night so you can still be together a lot. Personally I would go. There is usually a way round these things