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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset about partner's kids pregnancy?

100 replies

He2508 · 14/03/2024 18:23

I'm 41 and my fiancé is 46, have been together for 2 years. We both have kids from previous marriages - mine 10 & 15, his 20 & 22. All girls!! We are expecting our own surprise miracle baby (another girl!) in July! The older 2 don't live with us but we all have a good relationship. My fiancé is a widow - the girls lost their mum when they were 10 & 12. I've never tried to take place of their mum but have always supported them and helped them whenever they've come to me for help or advice.
His 20 year old came to me mid-January because she'd just found out she was pregnant. The father was a hookup and she'd just started seeing someone else, who didn't want to help bring up a child that wasn't his. She didn't have a job and was nowhere near settled so decided to have an abortion. I didn't try and sway her decision either way - it's her body, her life, her decision. I made sure she fully understood the decision she was making. I supported her throughout it, including sending her money to help support her with no job, whilst dealing with my pregnancy.
She's just announced to me that she's pregnant again with her now boyfriend's baby, not much longer than a month since her abortion. I didn't react with excitement she was expecting so she sent me a huge message saying I'm jealous and upset that she'll be taking the attention from me and my baby. That's absolutely not the case. I'm more concerned for her and her wellbeing - physically and mentally. She has been messaging an ex boyfriend and telling me she's still in love with him and is quite emotionally immature. She still has no job, not long had an abortion and has kind of put my emotions and stress levels to the test with supporting her through everything over the past couple of months.
AIBU to not be excited about all of this? Should I just put my concerns aside and continue to support her decisions?

OP posts:
rubyslippers · 14/03/2024 18:25

I’d keep well out of it
you’re not her step mum - you sounds well meaning but this is not your job to get involved with
remain neutral and concentrate on your pregnancy
her peevish response to you shows how immature she is - she’s going to have to grow up and fast if she’s having a baby

TheShellBeach · 14/03/2024 18:26

(You haven't enabled voting, OP)

I wonder if she regretted the abortion very much and deliberately got pregnant again immediately?

I wouldn't have been very enthusiastic, either, at hearing this news.

OhmygodDont · 14/03/2024 18:28

Pondering if maybe she’s projecting a little and she’s having a baby to make sure daddies eye stays on her tbh. One month after an abortion with a new bf texting an ex does not sound like even the start of a budding amazing relationship.

Id stay clear but also maybe for future just say congratulations and then if it’s not good she / a daughter can always go actually mum/op not congratulations. Then they can’t ever claim you where disappointed.

Ponderingwindow · 14/03/2024 18:28

You haven’t been in her life long enough to be a parental figure. Pull back and let your fiancé deal with this trainwreck.

Evaka · 14/03/2024 18:29

She sounds v troubled. Keep her at a polite arm's length.

Pepsimaxedout · 14/03/2024 18:33

Did the abortion actually happen?

SarahAndQuack · 14/03/2024 18:33

It'd be wonderful if you could put your emotions to one side and support her. But, I assume her dad is also being supportive? If you're having to step back (which is legitimate, because, as you say, you have your own things going on), then perhaps he can step up that bit more?

I do think it's a tricky one. You did the absolute right thing by not trying to bias her decision about the abortion, of course. But hormones are funny things - it could be that she regrets it, or even feels that she wanted someone to say 'of course you should have the baby!' and that's why she's pregnant again. And, just physically, you do tend to be extra fertile after an abortion.

At 20, of course she is immature. She'll likely have to grow up a lot once the baby comes.

I would just not react too much - both for your sake and hers. A simple text back saying 'I don't feel like that at all - love you very much' or whatever combination of calm, brief rebuttal of her statement you can manage to put together with something that reminds her you do care. If she wants to keep on messaging and feeding the drama, just keep replies very short and calm. Lots of 'not at all: you're very loved'. That may well be all she actually really needs to hear.

Calypso321 · 14/03/2024 18:35

Did she definitely have the abortion? I’d be wondering if she didn’t go through with it, and has then told her new partner that she’s now pregnant with his baby. Since it was only a month after the abortion she could potentially get away with that.

Either way she sounds troubled and could do with her fathers support.

ComtesseDeSpair · 14/03/2024 18:36

I’d encourage her to talk to her dad. If he’s raised her single-handedly for a decade, through her entire teen to adult transition period, I presume they’re close and he’s the one who should be offering her support and helping her to consider what her options are and how she’s going to work it all out. But cut her some slack on the message. She’s a young woman with no mum of her own to help her through this stuff, and she probably is a bit scared at the prospect of her dad having a new baby and replacing her.

Geebray · 14/03/2024 18:38

This is a car crash waiting to happen. No, it is happening.

I think you need to take a step back, OP. She may be young but she's an adult, and she has a father. You have your own health and your baby's health to think about.

pinksunglasses · 14/03/2024 18:39

You sound way too involved in the situation given you’ve only been with her Dad for a couple of years! Given she was already an adult, you have literally no right to voice any concerns - that’s up to her Dad.

You have two choices:

  • Subtly back off a bit (not in a dramatic way) and don’t be drawn into giving money if it’s leading to a dynamic whereby you feel responsible for her or entitled to a voicing an opinion on what she does
  • Keep quiet and be as supportive as you want to be and feel comfortable with - as and when you can, without expecting anything in return

voicing your opinions on her lifestyle should not be an option if you value your relationship with her

mdinbc · 14/03/2024 18:39

For those saying OP is not her step-mum or not been in her life long enough, I disagree. She has been step mum since the girl was 10 and been a part of her life for 10 years. She's had a hand in raising her.

I would just confirm that you're concerned that she is setting herself up to either be a single mum, or that it is a very rocky start to a new relationship. If she wasn't ready for a pregnancy a month ago, then I assume she wouldn't be ready now. But once you say it, then hold your piece, and let her make her own decision. She is an adult and has to manage her own life.

Geebray · 14/03/2024 18:40

mdinbc · 14/03/2024 18:39

For those saying OP is not her step-mum or not been in her life long enough, I disagree. She has been step mum since the girl was 10 and been a part of her life for 10 years. She's had a hand in raising her.

I would just confirm that you're concerned that she is setting herself up to either be a single mum, or that it is a very rocky start to a new relationship. If she wasn't ready for a pregnancy a month ago, then I assume she wouldn't be ready now. But once you say it, then hold your piece, and let her make her own decision. She is an adult and has to manage her own life.

No she hasn't. OP has been with him for two years. So since the DD was 18.

mdinbc · 14/03/2024 18:41

Oh, sorry, I missed that you have just been with their dad for 2 years. Ignore my advice!

BodenCardiganNot · 14/03/2024 18:41

@mdinbc
If you read the op again you will see that the very first thing she says is that she is with her dp for 2 years.

ZsaZsaTheCat · 14/03/2024 18:43

SarahAndQuack · 14/03/2024 18:33

It'd be wonderful if you could put your emotions to one side and support her. But, I assume her dad is also being supportive? If you're having to step back (which is legitimate, because, as you say, you have your own things going on), then perhaps he can step up that bit more?

I do think it's a tricky one. You did the absolute right thing by not trying to bias her decision about the abortion, of course. But hormones are funny things - it could be that she regrets it, or even feels that she wanted someone to say 'of course you should have the baby!' and that's why she's pregnant again. And, just physically, you do tend to be extra fertile after an abortion.

At 20, of course she is immature. She'll likely have to grow up a lot once the baby comes.

I would just not react too much - both for your sake and hers. A simple text back saying 'I don't feel like that at all - love you very much' or whatever combination of calm, brief rebuttal of her statement you can manage to put together with something that reminds her you do care. If she wants to keep on messaging and feeding the drama, just keep replies very short and calm. Lots of 'not at all: you're very loved'. That may well be all she actually really needs to hear.

20 is not ‘immature’.

TheSnowyOwl · 14/03/2024 18:45

You’ve been with her dad for two years! That’s all. Just stay well away as you aren’t her stepmother, and haven’t been in her life long enough to offer advice. She is an adult and has been the entire time you’ve known her.

I’m surprised you decided to have a baby already in the circumstances but be excited that your child will have similar aged relative.

MsMoody · 14/03/2024 18:45

Yikes. I’d politely tell her what you’ve written here- you’re just concerned about her. I wouldn’t take it to heart as she’s clearly all over the place at the moment. Then leave it to her dad.

Estellaa · 14/03/2024 18:48

Stop supporting her, let her get on with it.

Resilience · 14/03/2024 19:05

She's pregnant. You can't change that. Regardless of your thoughts on how poor the timing is etc (and I agree with you), the best way to handle this is with detached support.

It's not your job to mother her or act as counsellor. In fact, I'd recommend you didn't. Anything you suggest that goes against what she wants could be thrown back at you, so don't give her the opportunity.

In your shoes I'd message back to say something like:
"I'm sorry if you feel like that. I was just slow to react because after what happened last time I wasn't entirely sure if you were ok with it all and didn't want you to feel you didn't have a choice because everyone was so excited. If you're happy, I'm genuinely happy for you too and hope we can get excited together next time we see each other."

Then just be happy and supportive but completely non-committal. Don't offer advice or opinions. If asked, turn it back and ask her what she thinks. Don't agree to anything overly involved such as being a birthing partner or anything. Be kind but detached.

You can't change anything, it's not your role to anyway, and the best thing to do is whatever causes least confrontation/potential to backfire. Let your fiancé set the boundaries, not you. She doesn't live with you so you don't have too much to worry about.

AnneLovesGilbert · 14/03/2024 19:32

I’m not sure why people are telling you to stay out of. I’m sure you’d very much rather stay out of it but she’s choosing to confide in you. Where’s her dad in all of this?

Literally no one could be excited about her news or circumstances. It’s a royal mess.

How’s she supporting herself at the moment? Has she ever worked?

Focus on yourself, your pregnancy and health. Don’t take on more than you comfortably can, her dad should be able to support you both.

Josette77 · 14/03/2024 20:26

I don't think anyone seems to be thinking things through.

Her pregnancy has obvious issues.

But also you have a 10 yo and 15 yo and have been with this man for only two years.

I don't think that's a great situation either.

BaaBaaBlackSheepOfTheFam · 14/03/2024 20:27

Is she sure she's even pregnant? A month after an abortion, she's very likely to still have hcg in her system and could very well have a positive test from the last pregnancy.

Rewis · 14/03/2024 20:44

AIBU to not be excited about all of this? Should I just put my concerns aside and continue to support her decisions?

You don't have to be excited. But what other choice do you have other than support her?

Original poster
He2508 · 14/03/2024 20:58

Josette77 · 14/03/2024 20:26

I don't think anyone seems to be thinking things through.

Her pregnancy has obvious issues.

But also you have a 10 yo and 15 yo and have been with this man for only two years.

I don't think that's a great situation either.

My "situation" is great! Not that I asked for any advice on it.
At 41, I'm sure of my feelings and actions,
2 years might not seem like a long time and I certainly haven't thrown my children in to a chaotic situation.

OP posts: